I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up.

How a day gets away from you.

I had it all planned. No big deal. I would get out of work, pick Jack up at school, run to Target for a few things, be in there 5 minutes TOPS, then get home so we could go outside and (sweat) enjoy the sunshine for bit before I started making dinner. Well, let me just tell you, it never goes according to my plan. Why? WHY!!?? Why can’t it just be easy? The good news is, there is a happy ending. We did get to Target, we did get home and had some time outside to play. We DID end up eating dinner and it was pretty good. But, I guess it was just the winding bumpy road I had to take to get to all of those places. As soon as I finish this post, I’m going to bed. I’m done.

(At Jack’s school)
me: Hi Jack! Ready to go?
Jack: Mommmeeeee! (crashes into me) OOhhh OOHhhhhhh!!! I had a good day! But I got kicked in the neck and then they called me a baby!
me: Huh?? What happened? What did you do?
Jack: I didnt do anything. I ignored them like you said.
me: (bursting with pride) See? I knew you could do it. I’m really proud of you Jack? (Though, I was wondering why none of the teachers were making eye contact.)
Jack: Let’s go!!
me: Wow, you’re quick today! Usually I have to drag you out of here. 🙂
Jack: (in the hallway on the way out) Yeah, well, then I told him HE was a baby and then…
me: Wait, I thought you didn’t do anything?
Jack: Yeah, well I lied.
me: Sigh. (lecture ensued)

(At Target)
Jack: Mom, can I spend my allowance and buy a toy?
me: Sure, if you can find something for $1.00.
Jack: Yayyyy!
me: I wouldn’t get too excited…
Jack: Oh, I’m excited alright! Can I have a snack first? (starts rifling through the Goldfish assortment)

(After finishing my shopping)
me: Okay…I’m just about ready to go. Have you decided on something?
Jack: (mild panic) But, but, I can’t find anything that I want to get? What about this? (holds up a Buzz Lightyear for $129) This starts with a “1”…
me: Nope, too much. It has to be a “1” with a period right after it.
Jack: Ohhhhh, there’s nothing here!
me: I told you that you can save up your allowances and then get something that costs a little bit more?
Jack: Noooo, I want to get something.
me: You have one minute to look.
Jack: (full panic mode) Ahhhh! Noooooo!
me: If you start whining or getting loud, we’ll leave right now.
Jack: (muffled) MMMMMmmmmmmm, noooooooooo. oh. oh. I’ll find something. Here, I would really like these helicopter launch things.
me: Really?
Jack: Yes. Can I get them?
me: Sure…let’s go. (whew, finally)

(At the register)
Jack: Can you open this now???
me: We have to pay for it first
Jack: Have her ring this up first. Here, can you do this one first? (grabs it as it comes down the conveyor belt) Mom, here open this!
me: Jack I’m bagging this stuff first. You’ll have to wait a sec.
Jack: (doing an impatient jig at the end of the register aisle) Oh, Oh! Are you done. Can you open this NOW???? How about NOW????
me: One more question and it goes in the bag for later.
Jack: ———– (hopping)
me: Okay, here, it’s open.
Jack: I want to try it out once in the store! (Winds it up and pulls the trigger. The little launching disk flies about 2 feet and drops) Awwwww it doesn’t work! I don’t want this anymore.
me: ——- (see? I got nothing.)

(At home)
me: Jack, 5 more minutes on the swing and I have to go start dinner.
Jack: Okay, can you put me on the trapeze? (this involves me hoisting 50 pounds of bulk over my head and then holding him up there for approx. 1 minute until he gets bored) I’m done, take me down now.
me: I’m going to swing for a minute.
Jack: Noooo, can you pull me up really high and then keep pushing me?
me: You mean so that I can’t ever sit down and relax even for a second?
Jack: I guess… anyway can you push me?

(In the kitchen. I have pasta boiling, shrimp and greens sizzling, the last steak kabobs grilling, and I’m doing a well-timed dance between all 3. Jack is mercifully playing by himself)
Ed the Cat: Meroooooowwwwww!
me: No. NO! Do not, NO!! (I grab a paper towel and race to get it under Ed’s face. We’re used to Ed’s random pukes. But this time he yaks up his dinner with such force that it flies past the paper towel and onto my wrist. Hot soggy kibble. Yum.)
Kitchen timer: DING!
Microwave: Beep Beep Beep!
Jack: Mommmm, the stufffffssss donnnneeeee!!!
me: Sob!

Dennis walked in the door about 30 seconds after that. I’m not even sure if I had washed the kitty puke off my wrist yet. But I was flipping steak on the grill, adding pasta water to my saute pan, grating cheese, getting out bowls and silverware, and telling Jack to go wash up.

Jack: Nah, I’m good.
me: I’m not asking you, I’m telling you. Please go wash.
Jack: Ohhhhkkkaaaayyyy!
Dennis: Jack! Listen to Mom please and just wash up. Sheesh.

(At the table)
Jack: Mmmmmm, this is gooooodd! (He proceeded to eat a good portion of wheat penne, with shrimp and what turned out to be salad turnips, with a little parmesan on top.)
me: Jack, you’re such a good boy. (Anyone that likes my cooking can be forgiven for just about anything!)


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