I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up.

How Santa almost ruined Christmas…and other fun.

But first, do you like how I changed my profile pic? Well I didn’t mean to. I was really setting up for the big launch of Sh*t My 6-Year-Old Says and inadvertently changed the picture without realizing it’s my actual profile for ALL blogs, and not just for the 6-year blog. Sigh. Well, whatever. I’ll be changing the photo again when Jack turns 6 to give us a shiny new look for next year.

So, tonight Jack and I decided to (finally) go mail his letter to Santa. We’ve been procrastinating. It’s cold out. We’re busy. Yadda Yadda. Jack came home from school, had a snack of oatmeal, his favorite, and off we went.

Sidebar: Remember that I’ve saved all of Jack’s letters to Santa since he was 2. I simply photocopy the real letter, put the copy in an envelope for Jack to decorate, and then keep the original. I’m weird. He may be very pissed some day when they all come spilling out of his baby book. Okay, remember this fact later on…

me: (as we passed by the mailbox near the town green) Jack, do you want to just mail it here? I can take your picture…

Jack: No, there’s an OFFICIAL mailbox at the mall that goes directly to Santa at the North Pole. This one gets all sorted with regular mail and we’ll probably be late!

me: I think it’s fine. But we can go look at the mall. I think it’s outside Macy’s.

We walk all around Macy’s outside the mall, freezing our tooties off. Freaken wind, eh? No box.

me: Jack, let’s just go inside and look at the other door to the store. Maybe it’s inside…

We wander around for a bit. Jack takes off hat, gloves and mittens. I’m holding that, plus my purse and his letter.

Jack: Just ASK someone, okay?? (getting a bit frantic)

me: (sweating like a mother in my 20-below winter jacket that I’m still wearing, plus a scarf…) Okayyyy. Excuse me, do you know if there’s a Santa mail box in the mall?

girl at tea store: Uh… (blank stare) try over where Santa is sitting?

me: Not at Macy’s? I heard it was at Macy’s.

girl: (shrugs)

me: Let’s go Jack. If the mail box isn’t near Santa, you know what we could do? We can get in line to take a picture with Santa and you can give it directly to him!

Jack: Ohhhh, that will save a LOT of time! Good idea Mom! (there’s a new spring in his step)

We get over to where Santa is stationed. No line! I go over to the little desk and the girl says “Oh I’m sorry, but Santa is just going off on a break. For an hour.” Are you kidding me? SIGH!

Jack: Well, we can go in the play area for awhile to kill time. Or I’m hungry and want Panera Bread! Wait, look Mom, there goes Santa!

And lo and behold, Santa is heading for the men’s room.

Jack: I have to go pee real REAL bad Mom. (dances around)

me: We are NOT going to pee where Santa pees. That will just mess you up. Oh, but we can go in the ladies room. Duh. Let’s go.

We stroll by the men’s room door to get to the ladies room. (Why do they always put the men’s room closer to the main restroom entrance. WHY?) Someone goes into the men’s room as we pass. Who do we see standing at the urinal? Santa. Taking a wee wee. Jack glances over but I twirl him around and try to distract him. I do NOT think Jack saw. OMG. I almost couldn’t take any more. We go kill time at Panera Bread. By now it’s dinner time.

Jack: Can I get the grilled cheese? Please!???

me: Yeah, sure. I’ll get the grilled chicken caesar salad.

Jack: (takes a few bites) I’m actually full.

me: (take a few bites) This is gross and I’m not hungry either.

We wrap up all of our food to take home. What a waste of time and money. We go to the play area for a bit, and then decide to try Santa again. Of course we get there and the line is just spectacular at this point. For some reason, everyone in line is trying to pay for photo packages first. We just step up to the side of that line and get next in line to see Santa. Screw it, I’ll pay later if I want to.

Santa: Come on over little boy, what do you have here?

Jack: (harsh whisper) Mommm, tell him!

me: Well Santa, we were a little late mailing our letter to you, so we decided to deliver it in person. I hope that’s okay.

Santa: That’s fine! Let’s open this up and see what you’re asking for. It feels pretty thick (yeah 4 pages) so I hope you’ve been a good boy!

me: (freaking out now because Jack will see that I’ve copied his original letter with multiple cutouts and glued on pictures) Oh crap… Uh, do you have to look now? heh heh.

Jack: Well what I really want is a bow and arrow. (he doesn’t even notice the letter, because he’s so star struck. Yay!)

Santa: Well sometimes we just put the letter on the floor and use our magic pointer to pick the presents that we’ll send you. I hope you’ll be happy with whatever you receive!

Jack: Oh I will I will! Thank you! (gets a candy cane, freaks out that it’s broken, and has Santa give him another UNbroken candy cane). Mom, look, a candy cane!

me: Great. (I’m sweating to death and am getting sensory overload from the loud music)

Jack: I can’t believe we delivered my actual letter to Santa. That’s just great. (he is beaming)

As we leave the mall, we pass another Santa-like creature with the Salvation Army bucket.

Jack: Mom Mom, we have to donate!

me: Okay, here’s some money. Can you put it in the bucket for me?

Jack: It’s supposed to be coins so you can hear it clink!

me: This is more money than coins, it’s fine.

Jack: How much was that?

me: Just one dollar.

Jack: (panics) I hope that wasn’t my allowance!!! Was that my allowance!!

me: You’re fine Jack. I have more dollars for your allowance. Don’t worry.

Sheesh, so much for selfless. Jack is very generous normally…just as long as it doesn’t mess with HIS world. Anyway, we’re done with the Santa thing. I ended up buying the cheapest photo package for $20, and we got the last gift on my list. We did make a great memory and a pretty fun story. Who knew that Santa actually has to go pee? I’ve never even thought of that. 🙂

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