I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up.

Things only a mother could understand.

I know that all moms go through this. You need a computer’s worth of data at your fingertips constantly, just to be able to keep up with and process all that a 5-year-old can throw at you. Here are a few sentences that I’ve heard, and had to understand. Today. I also decided to decipher some of them for you. Why make you work at it just because I worked at it since 7am??

1. “If you’re looking for my tongue depressor, I found it under the seat.”

(Jack has a robust collection of wooden sticks from various doctor’s offices around the area. They turn up in the darndest places.)

2. “Well I told them that I had lost my mom and then they went on the loudspeaker. I couldn’t see you anymore.”

(At Trader Joe’s today. Jack said he was going to watch the coffee grinder in action. I told him I’d be right “here” and then he wandered away and couldn’t find me. There was a fun announcement over the intercom alluding to the fact that I might be the one that was lost.)

3. “Where did I put my lightsaber…I can’t find it!”

(I was asked this about 7 or 8 times today. I gave the same answer. It’s right wherever you left it. I have become my parents.)

4. “Are you playing war or not? Go grab your thing.”

(By “thing” he means “hockey stick” which is what we use as a gun when we play war. I’m not even sure why.)

5. “Mom, remember, we’re in C-O-L-L-E-G-E. Don’t tell Dad.”

(Whenever we eat, Jack likes to play college cafeteria. We ask each other how much our meals cost and sometimes Jack likes to dole out the food like a lunch lady.)

6. “Can you fix my sliding door!!! I can’t get into the back room!”

(We played restaurant yesterday and I rigged two big pieces of cardboard so that we could push through them like swinging doors. Jack would serve food to me and then rush into the back room for the sauce or some other item that I told him he had forgotten.)

7. “I am not wearing that. Get my silky pants!”

(Jack loves track pants that feel silky. Just try and get him out of them. I have to hide them.)

8. “I really think everyone should have a magic 8 ball.”

(We were shopping for his party. Jack wanted everyone to have a magic 8 ball in their goody bag. It would have cost me $30 in magic 8 balls alone. And they were about 1″ in diameter. Couldn’t even read them.)

9. “Can we do the Hot Cross Buns thing?”

(This was a game we played when Jack was really little. I would lay on the floor with my knees bent. Jack would slide down my knees and crush my lungs. It was fun. Then he started singing Hot Cross Buns as he did it. Now the game can be lethal since he passed the 50-lb. mark.)

10.  “I don’t want fish on my bagel, but I’ll have some lox please.”

(He still gets confused. He knows it’s salmon. But if I call it lox, he will eat a ton of it. Call it fish, and he’ll want none of it.)

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