I had to write this down before I forget. I do have a cheat sheet this morning. Jack and I sat at the counter eating bagels. He was finishing up “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” and eating, and talking all at the same time.
Jack: (clutching his throat) More milk! Thirsty! Ahhhhggghhh!
me: Maybe please?
Jack: Please! Chokinggggggg…
me: (just starting to pour the milk)
Jack: Can I have some orange juice too?
me: Sure…
Jack: Well, where is it??
me: Hello, I’m still getting the milk from the first request. How many hands do I have?
Jack: Two
me: What are those two hands doing? (I started to put the milk cap back on)
Jack: Screwing.
me: Sigh. Here is your milk and here is your juice.
Jack: Thanks. Look I don’t even bother to lick my fingers. They just get cream cheesy again anyway.
me: Yummy.
Jack: Hey don’t sit on my friends!!
me: Can you move them off my chair? I’d like to sit and actually take a bite of this bagel before it gets cold. Here, I’ll grab Stripey, you get the rest.
Jack: You didn’t even look! How did you use the force to know where Stripey was?
me: The chair isn’t that big…
Jack: Oh! I really like these juice glasses because you can do cheers! Come on cheers me!
me: Let me get situated here. Okay (clink) cheers!
Jack: What’s fast food? Do you eat it fast? In my book he had fast food, because he bought 20 chicken nuggets and when he got back to his seat, someone had eaten them. I guess they ate it fast. Is that fast food?
me: Fast food is from a place with a drive through, so you get your food fast. Usually it’s junk.
Jack: Yeah, but it’s a good treat. Do you know the new doctor rule? If I get a shot I get to buy anything I want from the store. You owe me a toy.
me: You picked McDonald’s for your doctor treat for being brave.
Jack: I changed my mind then.
me: Too late, it already happened. Maybe next year.
Jack: Sighhh… Oh! Wooohooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! My front tooth is loose, LOOK! (wiggles his front teeth violently)
me: Here let me check…wow it is loose! And the other one is a tiny bit loose now too. Pretty soon you’ll be whistling through a big space in your teeth.
Jack: Yay! My grown up teeth are coming! The little teeth are taking a run for it! Hahahahaha! Give me a few apples a day, okay? That way it will make my teeth fall out quicker.
me: Sounds like a plan. (I packed him a banana for snack..)
Jack: Let’s do 4 more cheers with our glasses. Like this: cheer sip cheer sip cheer sip cheer sip. Okay?
me: Okay let’s… UH OH, watch it Jack!
Jack: Awwwww I spilled all my juice!!! Now I have no more cheer.
me: (as always) Sighhhh…
Sh*t My 18-Year-Old Says 