I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up.

Things heard in my house

Anyone that has a 6-year-old boy will understand these outbursts. Or, maybe not. Sometimes you have to be a mind reader, sometimes you have to be one step ahead of your child and anticipate what they’re about to say, or even think. Sometimes you can’t get it right no matter how you try. I once read that by the time your child hits age 4, you as a parent have received the equivalent of a Masters Degree in education. Of course all that knowledge has a slant towards your own child and his/her unique idiosyncrasies. Is that redundant…?

“Maple brown sugar PLUS plain, with raisins PLUS extra cinnamon.” (I better know this means breakfast and an oatmeal order!)

“More than cheese!” (How much we love each other.)

“I have to get clean before I can get dirty!” (When Jack plays “dirty bison” he likes to wrap himself up in his Toy Story blanket. BUT he can’t do that until he has clean clothes on. He’s very particular.)

“I don’t like it but I’ll accept it…” (Said whenever Jack knows that my mind is made up. As if I need his permission!)

“Straw bowl or the milk gets wasted!!!!” (Said whenever I have the nerve to serve cereal in a bowl that doesn’t have a straw built-in to the side)

“My name’s not ZURG!” (If I call him “sir” he quotes one of his friends who said “My names not SIR”, but this kid had a lisp and it sounded like Zurg”)

“Pee pee, diaper, bed!” (We sometimes say this at bedtime because it was what we said when Jack was little. After we read stories, he would have to use the bathroom, get a clean diaper on and then go to sleep.)

“I have to go talk to myself for awhile now” (Jack says this when he’s upset or if he’s just gotten in trouble. I can hear him up in his room muttering to himself about how unfair I am and how I don’t listen, etc etc. He has to work it out. Then he usually comes down in a better mood.)

“This chicken stuff is good!” (Jack calls any meat he can’t identify “chicken”. I guess that’s smart.)

“I can’t sit on your lap because it hurts!” (Most days Jack will not sit on my lap with bare legs if I have bare legs. Or he now tells me to go shave.)

“I have to go water the bush…be right back…” (Still peeing in the front yard…)

“When I listen to you, you’re a very nice Mommy.” (yep)


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