I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up.

Mama said there’d be days like this (or nights)

This didn’t happen tonight, though the days have all been blending together it sort of feels like it just happened. It happened the other night, when I also was not sleeping at (let me check the clock) ONE OH EIGHT a.m. Sigh…

(8pm)

Jack: Mom! MOM! My last tooth fell out!

me: Cool! Not too much blood…let’s get the treasure box and put it under your pillow.

Jack: I hope I get 5 bucks like the first time!

me: I think that’s just a first tooth special deal.

Jack: I heard that if you put the exact same money back under your pillow that the tooth fairy gave you, she’ll give you your tooth back if you want it. (pause) But I just want the money.

me: Good choice.

(1:18am)

Jack: MOMMMMM!

me: Groan.

Jack: I’m sweaty and I need to pee and have a drink of water. And my undies are wet. It’s just sweat though.

me: Okay, let’s go…

Jack: (just as I’m leaving his room) Can I have the fan???

me: Sure. (I dig around, get the fan set up and back out of the room)

Jack: MOM!

me: What!

Jack: The tooth fairy didn’t come yet, see? My tooth is still in the box.

me: Shit.

Jack: I heard that.

me: Okay, she’ll be here soon.

(1:45am. I go back to my room in a panic. I don’t have any cash! Stupid tooth. I look around in my piggy bank and find three 50-cent pieces. I put them on my nightstand and then set my alarm for 4am. That will give me enough time to switch out the money for the tooth before Jack wakes up.)

(2:05am. I’m back in bed trying to doze off. A few minutes later my door creaks open and the light goes on.)

me: GAH!!! (I jump up shielding my eyes)

Jack: Mom, I’m really cold now with the fan on me.

me: Why didn’t you just call me and have me come up?

Jack: You NEVER come up when I call you!

me: What just happened a half hour ago. Sheesh.

Jack: (sees the money on my nightstand) Heeeyyyyy are those 50-cent pieces??

me: Shit.

Jack: I heard that. Can I have them?

me: Sigh.

(2:20am. Jack is back in bed, dressed in warm clothes. The fan is now off. He has the 50-cent pieces. I look around and find a golden dollar coin and hide it under my pillow. I check the alarm. Still set for 4am.)

(3:15am. I hear a god awful racket outside my door. It’s Bella trying to get at a huge moth that’s stationed above my door frame. I shoo the moth away, it’s a big sucker, and shoo Bella away. I realize that the cats will be waking me up at 5:15 to eat, so I decide to feed them now. You know. Since I’m up already. WTF. I come back into the bedroom and almost step on this HUGE thing in the middle of my rug. It’s the moth. It likes me. Earlier in the day I moved the grill cover on the deck railing and like 15 HUGE moths crawled out. I spent some time removing them all and letting a few crawl onto my fingers. I felt something bump into my head but didn’t really think anything was there. I went into the house and was brushing my teeth and noticed something moving on the top of my head in the mirror. GAH! The moth had burrowed itself into my hair, so I thwacked it and it flew away. And later stationed itself outside my door to annoy the cats because apparently it missed me. And now it’s sitting on my rug. I went to get a cup to scoop it up and put it outside. It crawled behind the laundry basket. Sigh. I moved the laundry basket and managed to grab it in the little dixie cup with a piece of paper on top. I let it out the back door. Came inside. Put the cup down, locked the door and noticed the moth was still in the cup. Really? I opened the door and threw the cup onto the deck and went back to bed.)

(3:30am I think… why the hell am I going back to bed when I should just go up and do the tooth switch out and then shut my alarm off?? Man I’m tired.)

(3:45am Tooth switch-out successful. I put Jack’s tooth into the little tooth-shaped box I have that contains all of his teeth. I wonder what he’ll think when he finds this box. Or if he finds all of Santa’s letters that I’ve been secretly hiding all these years. I mail photocopies to Santa. Don’t you dare judge me! I get back into bed and realize I have to pee. I get up and whack my shin on the damn laundry basket that I moved earlier when I was catching the moth. I sob a little bit. Is this building character? Making me stronger? I don’t know anymore.)

(6am)

Jack: She came! (He runs into my bedroom yelling. I feel like I had just dozed off. I probably just did.) Look, coins! (He holds up three 50-cent pieces)

me: Oh. Wow. 3 coins? (Wtf did I do with the gold coin. When did I take back the 50-cent pieces?) Hey, I thought you already had those 50-cent pieces from last night, remember? From my nightstand?

Jack: What are you talking about?

me: When you came down to tell me you were cold?

Jack: I never came down.

me: ??? (Sanity check, his fan was turned OFF and he was dressed in pajamas, so I know this was not a dream. But still. WTF?)

Jack: Maybe if I leave only one of the coins back in the treasure box the tooth fairy will bring only part of my tooth back! Cool…

me: (I look at the clock and realize I’ve slept OH maybe 4 and a half hours.) Groan… (I roll over and feel something under my pillow. It’s the gold coin. ????)

 

Any thoughts on that little mystery? Was I dreaming? No, seriously. I need help.

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6 responses

  1. Wow. All the makings of a Hitchcock movie!!

    Like

    September 7, 2012 at 6:22 am

    • Scary but I have to agree with you! Ha ha!

      Like

      September 9, 2012 at 9:14 pm

  2. hhaaaaaaha

    Like

    September 12, 2012 at 9:04 am

    • Can you believe this sh*t?? 🙂

      Like

      September 13, 2012 at 7:30 am

  3. Parallel Universes, Timelines intersected briefly, for sure. I HATE tooth fairy duty. We’d be sunk if he ever wanted the tooth back. We always toss them.

    Like

    September 19, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    • Boy, I keep EVERYthing…sigh…

      Like

      September 19, 2012 at 6:25 pm

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