I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up.

Crazy morning – and why moms say things 17 times

Here is a typical morning for me and Jack (and the cats):

(5:30am)

Bella: Meow!

Ed: MEOW

me: wtf…

(I get up and feed them and try to get another half hour of sleep before Jack wakes up. I no sooner lay my head down, or so it seems…)

Jack: Hi!

me: GAH!

Jack: I’m up early!

me: (sigh) I know. Is it even 6 yet??

Jack: Can I watch a video?

me: Get dressed first please.

Jack: But my clothes all the way up there! I’m down HERE.

me: Clothes then video. That’s why your shivering, no clothes silly.

Jack: Get me the hot water bottle then!

me: Get dressed.

Jack: SIGH!

me: If you’re dressed you can watch. I’ll go shower, then we’ll eat.

Jack: Take your time!

me: Yeah I know.

(I shower and start packing everything for our day: my gym bag, his lunch bag and backpack plus water bottle and snack and folder containing homework.)

me: Hey, you’re only half dressed. Come on Jack.

Jack: Huh? (he wouldn’t notice if the roof blew off while he’s watching Tuff Puppy)

me: Jack. Clothes please!

Jack: (He dresses with neck craned towards TV) Can I eat in front of the TV?

me: No.

Jack: Don’t yell at me.

me: Sigh. I’m not yelling.Come on let’s go eat.

(we go in the kitchen, have breakfast and I wait for the real fun to begin…ever since Jack was little, the toothbrushing scenario is the one I like the least of all.)

me: Okay let’s go brush our teeth, wash your face and brush that hair.

Jack: That’s too many things! I’m going to play…(he wanders off…)

me: Jack come on! Don’t want to miss the bus!

Jack: Don’t yell at me!

me: Sigh! Let’s go.

(He comes in and shoots nerf darts at me for a few minutes while he loads his toothbrush and the counter up with toothpaste. I hear some brushing. It was over way too quick. I tell him that before kids turn 8 they must pass a tooth brushing test to make sure they can brush their own teeth as adults.)

Jack: (pauses with brush halfway to his mouth) Are you serious?

me: Totally! I’ll test you tonight if you’re ready.

Jack: But, but, I didn’t really do a good job just now. Let me go again.

me: Okay, consider this practice. (I have to remember to test him tonight)

(he brushes furiously)

me: Nice job. Here let me check. (Yes I check twice a day if I can.)

Jack: Hey do you know…

me: Let me do this Jack. No talking.

Jack: (GAHHGGGGG) cough cough you’re choking me!

me: Sigh, come on, only one row left. This should only take a minute or two, not 10.

Jack: Ow, that tooth hurts still!

me: Sorry. It’s coming in nicely though! Okay hold still.

Jack: (steps on my foot)

me: Ugh! Okay we’re done. Now wash up and brush your hair.

(same cycle of stalling repeats)

Jack: Oh no! It’s 7:50 we have to hurry!!!!

(he goes into panic mode even though he knows my clock is set fast for just this very reason)

Jack: Come on with your hair already.

me: I have to dry it! Go get your shoes on, put your water bottle in your backpack and get in the car. (I blow dry furiously)

(when I come out Jack is in the middle of the living room surrounded by army guys and making cheek explosions)

me: Ahhhh! Shoes! Bag! Car! Come on!

Jack: NOW you’re yelling.

me: Sigh

 

I usually drive Jack down to the bus stop and then head to work right after it pulls away.

This was not our morning today. This was a typical day, but a made up day. Today Jack is with his dad in New York because it’s Columbus Day and there is no school. I did get woken up by the cats, but I was able to go back to sleep. I took a long shower and did my morning routine without interruption. I made actual coffee. I ate cereal with actual bananas (who has time to cut them up usually?) and I packed my gym back. I even made MY lunch. I looked at the clock. 7:30am.

Sigh.

I barely know what to do with myself, so I decided to blog. I had time. To blog. IN THE MORNING.

I’m finding that I don’t like the extra time. Seriously. I miss Jack running around causing mayhem at 6:15 a.m. I miss the milk spilled on the counter and the cereal bits under the chairs. I miss the glob of toothpaste on the sink and the guns scattered right in the middle of the hallway. Mostly I miss the noise. It’s way too quiet. I’m not good when it’s quiet.

Hm.

I’m thinking of adopting. You heard it here first.

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2 responses

  1. I know a good psychiatrist if you want your head checked before you do that.

    October 8, 2012 at 8:48 am

    • Hmmm I may get back to you on that one! Right now, mayhem is restored to my household and I haven’t had an extra second to think about anything.

      October 13, 2012 at 1:35 am

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