Jack: (munching away) Oohh look, I can turn these pretzels into alphabet letters.
me: Are you tired?
me: Are you hungry?
me: Are you scared?
me: Then what are you?
Jack: Remember when we used to hate each other? Like in 3rd grade? Now we’re brothers from another mother…
Friend: We’re gonna live together and probably do something stupid like burn the house down!
Jack: Hashtag evicted!!
Friend: You are the most awesome mom in the world! You just called me a squirrelly mofo!! Dude, I never heard a mom say that…