I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up.

Bathroom timewarp

Remember when morning rituals were THIS easy!

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Boy, we thought it was so hard back then. When they were little. They NEEDED us all the time. When they get older they don’t need us as much. Right????

Ugh…

When Jack and I enter the bathroom to start our morning ritual (or anytime we need to leave the house relatively quickly, and get cleaned up first), we seem to be on Martian time. Everything takes just a bit…longer than it really should. I’m wondering if you can help me figure out where we’re going wrong, and maybe give a little advice as to how we can speed things up.

Up for a challenge? Read on! I can’t quite figure out what’s taking so long.

 

me: Jack! Time to brush! Are you done eating?

Jack: (tears through the house to my bathroom) All done! And I put my bowl in the sink!

me: (foolishly thinking the rest of the morning will be as easy) Awesome! Thanks Jack…

Jack: What did you want me to do?

me: You didn’t hear me?

Jack: I heard you.

me: Well, then what did I just ask you to do?

Jack: I don’t know, what did you just ask me to do.

(Let me just say that at this point, he’s really not purposely joking. He’s just lost somewhere in his head, because while he asks me this, he’s twerking in the mirror and watching himself move.)

me: Stop twerking. Brush.

Jack: Huh? (keeps twerking and now comes over to me to make sure I see he’s twerking). Watch!

me: Jack stop. Brush your teeth.

Jack: Sigh. Okayyyy… (he gets going on his teeth finally, while I start to blow dry my hair)

me: Stay in here! Don’t wander around the house with your toothbrush! (he’s gone). Sigh….  Jack!

Jack: What! I’m brushing!

me: In here please. You’re spraying toothpaste all over.

Jack: No I’m not! (he says this after he removes the electric toothbrush from his mouth and forgets to turn it off, so it sprays everywhere)

me: Jack, come on. First, you’re supposed to brush until it turns off on its own. Second, you have to clean up that mirror now. Look at it.

Jack: (mutters) Such a control freak.

me: Grrrr.

(he cleans the mirror, making it actually look a bit worse, but I’ll accept it. I make him brush again, IN the bathroom and until the beep, which takes 2 minutes).

me: See? If you stay in here you wouldn’t have to brush twice. When you wander around, you let the toothbrush hang out of your mouth and you’re only brushing like 2 teeth.

Jack: How’s this?? (he offers his mouth for inspection)

me: Much better. Okay now wash your face.

Jack: (splashes water on his mouth, then comes over and tells me I’m mushy.) It’s all about that mush Mom!

me: Stoppit.

Jack: But the mush rules!

me: That’s muscle.

Jack: Not right here! (he pinches my side)

me: Arrgghhh! Stop. Take your glasses off and wash. Completely. With soap.

Jack: Sigh…

(I go back to my hair and notice that he found a nerf gun next to the tub. He’s crouched behind the shower wall aiming at my butt).

me: Jack let’s go or you’re gonna miss the bus.

Jack: I already washed!

me: You wet your mouth. And then you shot me with a nerf gun. Let’s go.

Jack: It’s clean! Look! (now he comes over to me and puts his open mouth in my eyes).

me: It looks clean but you ate breakfast and there’s still food on your face that you can’t see. Wash it please!

Jack: Sigh… (he slowly gets the soap and starts washing his mouth only.)

me: Just take the glasses off and wash please. Let’s go.

Jack: Check it out mom! (he’s twerking in the mirror again)

me: Stop humping the sink. In about a minute we’re going to miss the bus completely!

Jack: Nooooo! I want to take the bus!!! It’s always your fault we’re so SLOW!!!

me: Wash!

(I go to get dressed)

Jack: Fine! (he goes at it like a mad man, water everywhere, the mirror is splattered again, his hands are wet and he puts his glasses back on)

me: You’re not even dry. Dry your hands. That’s why they get all cut up when you go out in the cold. They get chapped.

Jack: Okay they’re dry! Can we go!??

me: Let me fix your hair quick and then I think if we hurry up we’ll just make it.

Jack: Oh! Oh! Hurry! (I fix his hair and then notice he messes it up again when I turn my back)

me: Okay, go get in the car while I grab my things.

(He runs down the hall… I hear doors opening and closing and mad scrambling as he gets things together. Then silence.)

me: Jack!? (Our door beeps when you open it. I didn’t hear a beep.)

me: Jack, are you here!? (I go out into the kitchen, his stuff is all still on the floor: backpack, scarf, gloves, waterbottle, snack bag. I mutter to myself because I have to pick all this up and get my stuff and then get into the car.)

Jack: (from far away) I can hear that you know!

me: Wha—? Where are you? I move towards the sound.

Jack: (calling from the hall bathroom) Pooping!

 

 

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4 responses

  1. Oh yes. Very familiar. What we do? 1) When ‘Cherub’ gets up, he cleans his teeth then. Before getting dressed, before going downstairs, before play, before breakfast. He can eat breakfast in the car. He can’t clean his teeth in the car. 2) Washing happens at night. Bath if it’s bath night, else a good scrub all round with soap and flannel. I’m not in a hurry then and can supervise. Breakfast smears can be swiped off if necessary. Or eat non messy breakfast. In the car…

    Can’t help with the last minute poop, though. If only. ..

    March 2, 2015 at 11:07 am

    • DN

      Hahaha! Sorry dor the late reply! And thanks for reading 🙂

      March 13, 2015 at 4:27 pm

  2. Yeah it’s real tuff when they think you’re their friend. And not mom… Ask me I teach five 8 year olds violin along with three 9 year olds. (they are girls though but still) They give you a lot of attitude and I know there are times when you want to please them and not be too hard, but then you got to remember who is the adult, who has the authority. And show them not to mess around with you, but to respect! Sometimes you just don’t have the time to please them; to teach them values in life and to respect you is just more important. Yeah you won’t be fun then and they will probably “hate” you, but at least you’re preparing them for life. And to always show love, that’s the secret. They will be fine. We’ll talk again when I have my own kids! Full-time!

    March 16, 2015 at 4:11 pm

    • DN

      You will love it when you do have kids of your own! Thanks for sharing 🙂 It does take a lot of patience!

      March 19, 2015 at 3:44 pm

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