I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up.

And the circus music plays

Did you ever have one of those mornings where when you finally get in the car, you wonder what the hell just happened? I’m sure you have. It’s like it all happened so fast and so many things all in the span of about 45 minutes? Is that it? I mean it felt like I don’t know, 3 hours or something, but when I look back it was really just 45 minutes.

So, if there was ever a question of whether or not women should be allowed to fight in real wars, I think we’ve proven that we do that every damn day! Not that I condone wars of course.
The list of what really happened:

1. We overslept. I know my alarm was set, and I know this is a school vacation week, but we did have to get to camp by a certain time and we were just running a bit late today.

Jack: Aaaarrrgghhh! You never set the alarm and now we’re going to be late oh my God it’s the worst day ever I have no time for anything!

2. I had a very intense personal call that I HAD to take. 

Jack: Oh and by the way, I know who you were talking to, and I heard the entire thing, so if you’re trying for privacy you might want to go somewhere else!

3. I was trying to get ready as fast as I could, and asked Jack to make himself some cereal to make the morning go a bit faster, but he insisted that we had to only communicate via walkie-talkie.

Jack: Mom, push the button! I can’t hear you!

me: Gah! I said (remembering to push the little button!) that you have to get a water bottle and your soccer ball as soon as you’re done eating!

Jack: Oh my volume was turned down so I didn’t hear any of that. What?????

me: Sigh.

4. I went in the kitchen and made Jack some egg whites to go with his cereal and then we heard the yowling coming from the living room.

Jack: Mom! Bella is going to barf! All over the rug!

I grabbed some paper towels and ran to chase her around the house until she finally yakked her guts up … Thankfully quite nicely into the paper towel! Yay! As I turned away I could hear her start again but yes I caught that one too. A nice warm blob of barf in paper towel all for me. How appetizing.

(Mind you my hair is still in a towel, I have no makeup on, and I’m still wearing my pajamas, at this point)

5. Next I got ready as fast as I could remembering to give Jack his allergy spray, two inhalers and to have him brush and fix his hair. So many details!

Jack: I’m not doing this inhaler because I feel better.

me: You feel better because you’re using that inhaler. Do it please.

Jack: if I needed it I would do it.

me: This is why we’re late… All the arguing. 

Jack: Mom you forgot to push the button! (Yes we’re still only talking via walkie talkie) 

6. I asked Jack to try on my old indoor soccer shoes since this was a turf field we were going to.

Jack: They fit perfectly!

me: Ah sweet bliss something is going right. (I mistakenly walk out of the room to brush my teeth)

Jack: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHGGGG! THERE’S A STUPID THING IN THIS SHOE THAT FEELS WEIRD! 

me: Oh geez Jack just push it down it’s fine.

Jack: NOOOOO IT WONT GO DOWN I’M NOT WEARING THESE AND I CANT GET THEM OFF!!!

me:They’re all knotted now sheesh!

7. Jack puts on his old rotten sneakers. I race around trying to get two items boxed up that I sold on poshmark. Gotta keep that 1 day shipping average going! I grab a protein drink from the fridge as Jack gets in the car. I hear the other worldly shriek of someone who just got stabbed.

Jack: AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH I THINK I CUT MY FINGER OFF!!!!!! Wwwwaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

(He comes running into the house from the garage with part of his thumb hanging off.) I’ll spare you the details of me trying to wash and put band aids on a cut of that magnitude. Everything I did was wrong or too slow or hurt or etc etc etc. “sob”. I glanced at the clock. We were late for camp and I was late for work).

8. Yes it goes on! We get to the field with Jack trying to control the pain and his tears. 

Jack: I can’t go out there looking like this! 

me: Wipe your face. Get your coat and your goggles.

Jack: I’M NOT WEARING A COAT OR GOGGLES ITS JUST CAMP!

me: Not debatable.

(Jack hops out of the car with no coat. After I sign him in and the wind rips through his body he runs back to the car for his coat.)

Now I get to drive away and go to work for a break. Wait, I have to leave work in 2.5 hours to pick him up! I start to cry….Wahhhhhh!

I picked Jack up at noon. His team was wining the scrimmage, he had made new friends and it had warmed up outside. He was happy and talkative and tired. Whew. It all worked out.

Jack: You forgot to pack a snack. Everyone had one except for me.

me: Sigh.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s