I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up.


The Signs Are Real

This is what I found as I walked through Jack’s room. 

Jack: You have been warned. 


Subaru Antics

I’m just not sure what goes on anymore in that back seat while I’m driving. 

I turn the radio on, and some sort of beat starts playing and I glance back to see Jack intently working on a new hip thrust movement in time to the music. He’s really proud of this also. Generally, if we’re in public and he starts doing this, I ask him to stop because it’s vulgar for a 10-year-old to walk around with thrusty hip motions going on. Sheesh. But in the car, he lets loose.

me: Settle down Jack…

Jack: (adding sound effects to his motion) Uh! Uh!

me: Just sing… Or look out the window…

Jack: Oh look, a toenail! Let me lick it…

me: Jack!! Geez!

Jack: Hahahahahaha!

me: Gross.


Opposite of “Goodhavior” of course.

Jack has been creating his own dictionary of combined terms. And I think they’re a bit more descriptive than the originals!


me: How was acting class? (Jack started a once-a-week class after school)

Jack: (gives me the guilty look) It was okayyy, why?

me: I’m just asking. Why, what happened? You and Ben weren’t acting up again were you?

Jack: Well, he had a little badhavior, but then he stopped. I was pretty much okay.

me: Badhavior, huh? Interesting word. So if I come to the next class and grab Ben and his Mom, and we all have a talk, what do you think will come out of it?

Jack: OKAY it was all my fault!

(like I don’t know this boy)

me: What was your fault?

Jack: Sigh. We were just trying to come up with our idea for the thing, ya know, and then I grabbed him and his knee went into my face and the lady told me to stop and that was it!

me: What lady?

Jack: The mom that pretends she runs the whole school!

me: Was she a Mom or a PTA lady?

Jack: What’s a Peetay lady?

me: No, PTA for Parent Teacher Association. She works for the school and for the parents, and she’s in charge of the after school programs.

Jack: Anytime there’s a Parentssociation, that can’t be a good thing.

me: That’s not a word you know.

Jack: But it should be.


Last year Jack was worried about these words. Funny to go back and read the old sh*t.


How the semicolon pisses off a 7-year old

This is an older post that I kept forgetting to use! Jack sometimes sneaks onto my blog his blog and then chastises me on how my details are wrong or how that absolutely did NOT happen last night, or whatever. So I guess now I’m protecting myself in case he does read this. Yikes how far we’ve come on this little blog. What started as shitmy5yearoldsays has turned into shitmy7yearoldsaysandthenreadsonlineandthenpointsoutallwritingerrorstohismom. Dot wordpress dot com.

This is funny because I just finished reading King Rat. But anyway. Apparently the semicolon is the most feared punctuation mark out there. So I’m told. I’m sure we could all use a refresher on how best to use this little guy.

Jack: I have to write BOTH sides of my weekend news. I didn’t finish it so I have to make it up at home. How the heck am I gonna DO this??? (he grabs his hair with both hands in anguish)

me: You only have like 3 more sentences to write, Jack, so calm down. Just fill in some other things you did. You waste more time freaking out about it.

Jack: (starts writing a thought down) I can just make this a really really long sentence with commas, okay?

me: (peeking over his shoulder) You might need some other punctuation in there buddy. That’s pretty long.

Jack: Okay okay! What’s the thing with a comma and a dot? Is that a weird quotes mark or something? Can I put that in here?

me: You have to put it where it goes…like in between two thoughts that are sort of connected, so they’re in the same sentence, but are actually independent of each other. It helps avoid confusion.

Jack: I meant WHAT’s IT CALLED!

me: Sheesh, calm down, you didn’t say that. I’m just trying to help. It’s called a semicolon.

Jack: (stops in mid rant and looks at me calmly) What’s that…Chinese for something?

me: Sigh…

And this is funny because we went to a Godzilla birthday party yesterday. For realz. Jack will concur.