10 random things heard today

1. Raspberry Preemies? “I thought a preemie was like a German cookie or something.?”

2. Cafetorium. “We have the weirdest name for a room in our school. It sounds like where things go to die.”

3. Flubby. “Mom, you’re looking less flubby these days.”

4. Old age club. “You’re already there mom.”

5. Separated hamstring. “In gym they make you sit down and put your foot on a box then bend the other leg and then stretch down and try to touch your toe and push this little thing as far as you can then hold it for like 30 seconds or a minute until your hamstring separates and it’s like their shoving a knife in there and twisting!”

6. Too early. “Call the Board of Ed and tell them it’s not normal for us to be at the bus stop at 7am. Tell them to start school later! I should still be in bed at 7am!!!!”

7. Pine fresh. “I think Ed peed here on your Ernie doll. He smells all pine fresh.”

8. The plumber is crying. “Of course I just bit my lip, whaddya think, the plumber just bit his lip? Or did I bite the plumbers lip? Geez!!”

9. Raking my head. “Here gimme the brush and let me show you how you’re brushing my hair like a rake and removing my scalp!!!”

10. Exalted leader. “I was just nominated leader of the kids club so I don’t want to go to taekwondo on Thursday because that’s when I’m being sworn in.” (Members = 3. Location = tree.)


Soccer Saturday

I finally became a soccer mom this year! I always wanted to be a soccer mom. Ever since the Halloween that I dressed in a soccer uniform (my actual college uniform) and strapped on a fake pregnancy belly, and thought I was so clever as everyone asked what I was dressed as. Oh I’m clever alright. Ha.

Considering I’ve been playing soccer since I was probably 10… Or younger… I could not wait to have a son or daughter that wanted to play MY sport. Oh I could teach them everything I learned over the years!!! I could practice with them! Sigh…

Two years ago I saw a summer soccer clinic hosted at my actual college which was probably managed by actual people that actually were there when I played at that school… And I signed Jack up without hesitation.

When I told Jack how very lucky he was, he flung himself on the ground in a tantrum the likes of which I had never seen. And, as you know, I’ve seen some doozies at my house. 

So, I let him calm down and waited a few weeks hoping he might come around. I emailed the camp to make sure he was registered and confirmed the start time. 

On the day of the camp I asked Jack if he wanted to play soccer, and he said yes! Until… He found out it wasn’t in the driveway with a nerf ball. He again flung himself on the floor and screamed that I was ruining his life! He was 7. Or 8. Did he even have a life to ruin yet? Geez.

I called the camp, defeated, and asked for a refund. 😦

So this year when all of Jack’s friends fell in love with soccer, so did he. And I became cautiously hopeful. Again. I wish I was still playing soccer. Really. And I guess I could, but the injuries and the lack of time, what with my martial arts classes like 4 times a week, make it kind of hard. Ugh. And it’s not easy to bounce back (when you’re above the age of 20) from a dislocated jaw (I was behind a guy as he flung his arms out to kick the ball in front of us), or a sprained ankle, (they put me against a guy with no arms, true story, and I was afraid to knock him down, so he knocked me down, having not been very afraid at all of my two working arms — and ovaries… Helloooo!), or the bloody swollen tops of my feet (from trying to get the ball away from 20-year-old Brazilian boys who clearly in their minds were in the World Cup at this very moment)… I could go on. But luckily for you I won’t.

I found myself at 7:30 am out on a chilly and wet, but beautiful, soccer field watching the boys on Jack’s team arrive, waiting for their 20-something coaches to show up. I organized the boys into a line and I jumped into the goal to let them take shots on me, and warm up. My sneakers got wet and dirty, and my hair frizzed out but I loved it!

We lost the game 8-5 or something very close to a football score. I yelled encouragement and pointers from the sidelines and I paced back and forth while the other parents huddled in their camp chairs. It was great!

me: Jack! You can move up a little but stay on that guy! That was a nice kick! 

Jack: Quiet wannabee coach!!!!! 

me: Sigh…



Detours are the best

Jack and I are heading home from Cape Cod. To break up the 3.5-hour ride we like to take different detours or side routes and stop and visit things we’ve never seen. 

Today’s detour took us through Groton, CT and we visited the USS Nautilus Submarine Museum. Closed Tuesdays, FREE every other day! Yay!

We toured the submarine and then the museum. Both were very cool and informative, and I mentioned Free, right?

By the way, my 3pm sugar craving is kicking in again, thanks Scottcakes!! So NOW I’ll start my sugar-free year, heh heh. UGH.

me: Oohh we can stop at that seafood place we ate at last time when we went to the beach.

Jack: I’m in!

me: Way better than Subway again. Bleh. And, they have that awesome ice cream, remember?

Jack: Yesss!

me: Wait, I think the ice cream is cash only.

Jack: (mild panic) Do you have cash? 

me: Ah, no…

Jack: Awww I hate that place!!!

me: Though I think they have an ATM. How bad do we want ice cream?

Jack: Usually pretty bad, Mom. 

Ok, no sugar starts tomorrow! 

Seriously. I mean it. 










A day in Provincetown 

Oh how we’ve missed you Provincetown since last year. Scott Cakes, the anchor, beach glass, seafood, and the colorful people. 

We spent the day eating, beach combing, and wandering the streets ducking into whatever shop caught our eye.

Jack got a piano lesson from a stranger, I bought and then returned a box of melted saltwater taffy, we ate roasted Brussels sprouts of all things, I drove down commercial street, we watched a movie being filmed, and I helped a British guy discover that he could untangle the two horseshoes and a ring puzzle in the puzzle store. 


Jack: There was a British guy?

me: Gah, you scared me. Stop reading as I type. Yes there was a British guy. (I didn’t realize that Jack was watching over my shoulder as I posted this!)

He is now hysterical because he is grabbing me leg and making mushy sounds. Sigh. Time for the beatings to begin. 



Why pie? Why NOT pie.

I made an amazing sugar fee pumpkin pie to go with my sugar free new me! I tried this last September, remember? 

We had wanted apple pie but stupid Paula Red apples that turn mealy in one day we’re the only apples on hand, so I had to shift gears.

My pumpkin pie used 3 Tablespoons of Splenda. The way nature intended. Ha. 

Anyway, with a skim milk base and lots of pumpkin, it’s a pretty healthy snack. For pie, that is. Only 208 calories per slice… Yay! 9g sugar from the pumpkin. 

Anyway, Jack and I have been eating a slice a day. Yum! 

me: This is a new recipe but it’s pretty good, right?

Jack: (between mouthfuls) So good….

me: (savoring another bite) Hmmm what would you change, if anything? More cinnamon?

Jack: I would change it to apple.

Conversations, Food, Holidays

Shelf life of Mom

Jack and I took a walk after dinner tonight. Yesterday. I think it’s already tomorrow… Yikes… What!? I woke up because I forgot to floss! And then remembered I forgot to post this. Yawn…

We had a great time on our walk. Jack didn’t remember to grab his scooter, he didn’t ask if he could ride his bike, and no friends tagged along. He walked at my speed actually with me and we talked. He even wanted to hold my hand for a bit! 

Jack: You’re 50. 

me: Huh…Wha???!!!

Jack: I mean you’re almost 50 so that’s about the same thing.

me: Gee thanks. (but I smile at him)

Jack: You almost reached your expiration date!

me: Oh no, I have a long way to go. Besides, if I expire, just think where that’ll leave you!

Jack: (suddenly realizing) No I don’t want you to expire ever! But if you do, I’m totally moving in with Alex.

me: Nice.

Happy birthday month to me! One step closer to being half a century. Don’t I get a plaque or antique plates or something?

Tomorrow I step up my workout routine and I’m back to avoiding all added sugar. You heard it here first!

Books, Conversations

Bat Boy

We’re at the doctor’s office picking up forms, having a checkup, trying to avoid Jack getting a shot, the usual Mom fun.. School starts tomorrow! Omg…

Jack picks up the baby book – Are You My Mother?

Jack: (In his best deep Batman voice) Are you my Mother? Out of the nest he went but he could not fly…

I almost fell on the floor laughing. The doctor came in and was wondering why we both looked like we had been crying.

(Thanks BatDad)


Conversations, Digital Technology

I think only in book titles (while I work on Vlogs)

And only ones that I want to write, not ones that actually exist. Which makes me think, yeah, there’s a book in here somewhere. Not… here… as in this blog, but my head, (point-point). It’s been getting steadily worse, which makes me think this is not just a passing phase! Oh-nos! When would I have time to write? You mean, like right now while I’m writing this?

Well, technically I’m uploading videos for Jack’s YouTube channel, so he’s sort of my client. He laughed when I explained that to him, and then he said, “well, get going!” Sheesh.

So hear I sit, editing and uploading videos, inbetween watching a movie (pretty good I thought) Ask Me Anything. Britt Robertson is my new fave actress. I just saw her recently in The Longest Ride, which was ho-hum, but she was entertaining.

Any–way… Jack is still in San Francisco with his dad. Visiting all the hot spots, except Alcatraz, which needs to be booked like a year in advance. Jack was so excited to possibly go there and step into the most haunted cell (14) of all times. He said he would be brave and take a selfie, even though he cowered in my bed for a few nights after watching the Ghost Adventures crew hang out all night in the prison and capture some creepy footage and sounds in cell 14 and 13, and various other spots inside. (chatter chatter).

Okay, so most of Jack’s videos and Vlogs are uploaded so I gotta go do THAT thing now, since it’s 1am and I’m TIRED.

me: Hey, send me your videos as you do them and I’ll upload them and then you can delete them.

Jack: Okay, but make sure you have ALL of them. Make sure. Are you gonna be SURE!

me: Sigh…

(Day 1 he sends me 18. I’ve created a monster… And, I do not have the GB necessary to store all of this! Gah!)

So I screened them all first. No one needs to see our neighbor’s yard and Jack wandering around aimlessly under a tree and half-saying our neighbor’s name before catching himself, because he knows we don’t want everyone announced on the internet for privacy reasons! (unless you have given me verbal permission and therefore know you might be featured on one or more videos that appear on You Tube!)


After watching them all, and selecting the few to make the cut, I rewatched the entire neighbor version of the video.

Jack: So, this is the kids club. The one that I made, I mean me and my friend D—, I mean my friend made. It’s a work in progress because we’re upgrading it. Really cool trees to climb. As you can see there’s a lot of holes and stuff because we’re sweeping the pine needles away. Eh, you may not care. But, you know, sometimes it’s good to enjoy the little things in life. But um, yeah… back to pool trick shots!

(Which I will upload AFTER the NYC Edition, and BEFORE the San Francisco edition, and I am getting TO the Hawaii edition…man, he gets around…)

Digital Technology


Everything is yelled now. There’s no talking. We yell upstairs and downstairs, we yell into the other room, out the back door, across the neighbor’s yard, down into the street. Both of us actually. Even the cats yell. Meeeoooowwwwwuuuurrrrrrrrr! Says Ed when he has to #2. Sheesh. Even the cats.. SQUEEEEEEEAAALLLLLLMMEOOOOWWW. Says Bella when she wants to eat. Which is always.

I was leisurely taking a shower tonight while Jack and his friend played XBox. Leisurely… Which lasted about as long as it takes to say that word.




me: Jack I can’t hear you I’m in the shower!

Jack: (opening the bathroom door) CANFINE APP MOE!!!!!!

me: What?!


me: The shower door is open, I can’t open it anymore, what the heck are you saying!

Jack: (almost hysterical) I. CAN’T. FIND. THE. APPLE. REMOTE!!!

me: Are you kidding? YOU had it to turn on the TV. Look under the cushions.

Jack: NO WAY IS IT THERE!!! (Slams the door)

me: GRRRRR!!!

A minute later he comes in the bathroom. I crack the shower door again…

me: Are you brushing your teeth?? (Huh?)

Jack: Yes.

me: What are you holding.

Jack: The apple remote.

me: Where did you find it.

Jack: (pause) Under the cushion.

me: HA!!!!


In a New York … Coupla Hours

Just some funny sh*t I heard from Jack and his friend during the day today as we wandered around NYC…

“Mom, can we visit LMFAO Shwartz?” (He really didn’t realize his slip up until after haha)

“Look, a park bench. I thought it was just a legend.” (After not sitting for quite awhile and then a long walk in the hot sun.)

“And that’s why my friends never want to do anything because all you do is walk around not going anywhere, like duhhhh!!!” (Said after we tried to get a cab but couldn’t because of the massive holland tunnel traffic jam which of course was MY fault…)


Jack: Can I get this nerf modulus?!

me: No

Jack: But it’s not even online and it’s only at this store!

me: We just got here, I’m not carrying a giant nerf gun through the city all day.

Jack: I’ll carry it!!!

me: No. Save it for Christmas. 

Jack: You WILL buy me this for Christmas. 

me: Add it to your list. 

Jack:  A list is for things you hope to get not THINGS YOU’RE DEFINITELY GETTING!!!

me: And you think this is definite, huh? 


“I’m thirsty, hot, starving, tired, and want to go home!”

“Wait, we’re going home??!! I want to STAY!! WE NEVER DO ANYTHING!!”

“Can I sleep over my friend’s house tonight??” (Do you think I even hesitated before answering?!!