One call a week (from the school)

I joke about getting one call a week from Jack’s school. Either he said something or did something or DIDN’T do something, or got hurt or upset or forgot his clothes for basketball. Sighhh!

But seriously I was at the gym at lunch yesterday and had 2 messages from the school “its NOT an emergency, but please call back”. Ugh! What now? 

Apparently Jack’s bus driver made Jack move seats because he was being too rowdy on Monday. He didn’t appreciate it and told his friend that she’s an idiot. The bus patrol kid overheard and told the bus driver who told the school, and now I’m driving him to school for the rest of the week. Grrrr.

I was at the busstop waiting for Mr. Mouthy yesterday afternoon.

me: Hi! What’s new?? How was school?

Jack: (mildly on alert) It was good. 

me: Anything going on I need to know about?

Jack: Ummm the bus driver still thinks I have to sit in the front so maybe you should write an email because that’s not fair.

me: (mock horror voice) Sit up front?? How is that possible if you’re not riding the bus?

Jack: (looks at me, sighs) Mom! It wasn’t even fair! I just said idiot to my friend NOT to the driver!! 

me: But you got caught. You can think anything you like but as soon as you say it out loud you risk getting in trouble if it’s something mean or rude. You know that.

Jack: That’s not even why I can’t ride the bus.

me: What are you talking about?

Jack: I got in trouble because we had a substitute that didn’t know the route so I “jokingly” suggested that we show her the way to Dairy Queen and get ice cream, and then we could leave “bus patrol girl” there. 

me: Sigh. (Then I sort of joke) How about this? No more talking on the bus. Only breathing and sitting is allowed. You have one week left for Pete’s sake.

Jack: (takes me seriously) But talking is my life!!!!!

(Don’t I know it)


Subaru Confessions

Subaru Confessions – Squirrels of the World

me: Ohh look at the little squirrel that just ran across the street!

Jack: Awwww! He just made it… Mom, guess what, in Central Park there was this squirrel and he was going for an apple and then well first he was sitting on a fence and then this guy came so he jumped down and then he went back up… But after that he went for this huge Apple and he was trying to carry it away but it was just a core but still… It was bigger than him! 

me: Yeah squirrels don’t know about garbage and germs…. Or anything like that. 

Jack: They’re smart, mom.

me: But not about cities and buildings and all the stuff we know.

Jack: They know about buildings because they climb on them.

me: But they don’t know about building them and taxes and that there’s a whole world and not just their neighborhood. They know food, shelter, making babies and avoiding danger. That’s it. Oh and how to do elaborate puzzles.

Jack: What are you talking about?

me: On TV they show scientists making these crazy mazes and the squirrels have to figure them out to get food. Like go through this tunnel and open this slider and crawl on this rope and pull this lever and a pellet comes down.

Jack: Cool.

me: So actually they’re smart about that. You should have a squirrel club and learn about them haha. Squirrels of the world. 

Jack: Nah, Gavin would take that over. (A friend of his that REALLY likes squirrels). 

me: Tha’s his favorite animal still?

Jack: Yeah. But this other kid’s favorite animal is a pigeon. Sooooo…

me: Okaayyy…Squirrel is not that bad I guess. 🙂 



The last days of 5th grade

Have you been missing us? Well those of you that see me regularly are certainly not missing us… But those of you in blog land? And there are quite a few of you! I’m doing my best. Really. Lots and lots going on.


5th grade is surely coming to an end. 2 more months. Less actually. Then it’s off to (gasp) middle school! Jack talks about it as if he’s simultaneously going to the best vacation ever… Or to a military reform school. All breathy in-awe whispers. Oohhh middle schoooool. So yes he’s excited. But hey, we have to get him out of 5th grade first, people! 

I’m sitting on the deck in the sun, and I should be reading Nick Hornby, but I decided to blog first, finally, and I just realized I have NO idea where Jack even ran off to. Hmmm.

So back to getting Jack out of 5th grade. I’m sure he’ll be fine, but he sure is cutting it close. With the doodling, and the talking, and the crazy bus behavior… However he luckily counterbalances that with 100s on his spelling tests, all homework completed on time, the highest test score in his grade for those standard tests they take. He could have gotten a perfect score, but he was doodling and probably talking… The word “apply” gets used a lot. As in, if only he would.

But he’s happy for the most part, unless we bring up shots, and he’s healthy and he likes to have fun and make people laugh, aka class clown… Sooo…

Here are a few conversations we’ve had recently. They seriously never stop. There’s always more sh*t!! Does this sound like he’s ready for middle school…?

me: You have to wear sports goggles if you want to play soccer. Not debatable.

Jack: But they’re gonna suck and I’ll get laughed at and I won’t be able to see!

me: If you start thinking more positively you’ll see that your whole mood will change. I already said you have to wear them. So what positive thing could you say instead?

Jack: I am positive I’m going to hate wearing these goggles!

me: Sighhh.
So there was thaaaat and that was fun. But how about this?
me: Are you excited about going back to camp?

Jack: Oh yeah! Remember last year… There was that Porta potty and I looked in it and saw half of a chicken nugget? And a bag of Doritos! The blue kind…

me: That’s what you remember?

Jack: Of course! Only the awesome stuff.
Bleh. Now where is that boy? Just called a few neighbors. Hmm.
Jack: (stepping off the bus) Rahma kchx kchx!!!

me: What?

Jack: Rangellos! kk kk!!

me: English please. 

Jack: That is English. IG Bromin style.

me: Oh thanks for the clarification.

Jack: Saggels.

me: Ummm. Ok?
Just heard Jack whiz by on his bike. Ok he’s been warned for not staying where he said he’d be. Remember the days when they couldn’t go anywhere because they couldn’t walk??! Sheesh.


How to conduct a spelling test with a 5th grader

Jack: I’m going next doooooorrrr! (He runs for the door)

me: Wait, wait, homework!

Jack: I don’t have any. I forgot it. 

me: Those are completely opposite statements. How did you forget your homework?

Jack: I forgot to check my mailbox. We’re soooo busy! We had testing too!

me: Jack… Come on..,What was your homework supposed to be?

Jack: Spelling.

me: Ok. I’ll read your spelling words to you and if you spell them all correctly you can go outside and play next door.

Jack: Yay!

me: Trifold

Jack: T R I F O L D

me: Good. Semicircle.

Jack: I can’t wait to go outside. These are easy!

me: Ahem.

Jack: S E M I  DASH C I R C L E

me: Dash? Try again.

Jack: S E M I C I R C L E

me: Yep. How about Biweekly?

Jack: So can we go to Walgreens tomorrow and get that nerf gun?

me: (stare)

Jack: Sigh. B I W E E K L Y!!! Sheesh.

me: Good. Now try—-

Jack: (interrupting) Can we?

me: Jack let’s finish up. Midafternoon. Why aren’t there hyphens in these? Is that right?

Jack. Finish up Midafternoon? I won’t have time to play!!!!

me: That’s the word you have to spell. 

Jack: Oh. M I D A F T E R N O O N.

me: Yes. Ok…Triangle.

Jack: Seriously? TRIANGLE!!!  So easy.

me: Yep. 

Jack: Walgreens? Can we?

me: Maybe. 

Jack: But—-

me: There are like 10 more stinking words here. You know them, we’re just going through the motions, I know, but you are finishing. Bisect.

Jack: Sheesh. B I S E C T. (Muttering) … Well I’m getting that gun tomorrow and you can’t stop me.

me: Sigh. And when do you expect to do your homework that you forgot? 

 Jack: In the morning like I always do. I mean… Um…


Jack in Hawaii

Jack and his dad just got back from a week’s vacation in Hawaii. How cool! With a 6-hour time difference in sure to have fun getting Jack ready for school tomorrow. 🙂

me: (grabbing the phone at noon) Hey!!!

Jack: I slept in.

me: Oh really?

Jack: I just woke up!

me: Uh oh.

Jack: It’s fine. I just slept for half a day!

me: Well I can’t wait to see you later. And the cats miss you!

Jack: Can I get wireless Beats headphones? Everyone has them!

me: Sigh.





What’s the opposite of integration?

Jack: And you know what Mrs. C calls Youseff? YOseff. Hahahaha.

me: That’s not that far off…

Jack: And she calls Megan Morgan. Ha! And she calls Lewis Anthony.

me: Is she doing it to be funny?

Jack: No! She like seriously doesn’t know anyone’s name.

me: What does she call you?

Jack: Jack.

me: Well with the number of times you’ve gotten in trouble in that class, I guess she knows you pretty well Eh?

Jack: My name’s easy.

me: That must be it. How can she call Megan Morgan? That’s so weird. Is this Megan from last year?

Jack: Yeah.

me: Do you still talk to her?

Jack: We don’t talk to anyone.

me: Ohhh wait, is it boys huddled over here and girls over there?

Jack: Yeah it’s like segregation, except we’re nice to each other.




Who’s the stinkiest one of all?

We are watching the worst movie ever made. Furry Vengeance. With Brandon Fraser. And a bunch of wild animals. Jack absolutely loves this movie.

Jack: I just love this movie so much mom! Hahahahaha!

me: Ugh.

Jack: But look at all the skunks. It’s a line of fire!

me: Skunks are stinky but they really are so cute…

Jack: You know, they can be de-stinked and kept as pets.

me: Yeah they can be pretty good pets without the stink. I once…

Jack: (interrupts me by farting loudly)

me: Sigh. What about de-stinking boys?

Jack: I just LOVE this movie!!! Hahahaha!




Free country

me: Go wash up and brush your teeth please.

Jack: (looks up from his drawing) No.

me: Uh, yeah, let’s go.

Jack: It’s a free country, Mom.

me: Not for kids, now get in there.

Jack: It’s a free country for everyone! Right?

me: Yes. However…Kids have to listen to their parents. It’s a free country for you when you’re an adult.

Jack: If it’s a free country then it’s free for everyone all the time!

me: Then how would kids know how to do anything? Their parents have to teach them and keep them safe and clean and fed … So it’s free but you do have to listen to your mom.

Jack: That means it’s like prison.





The only thing we have to fear… Is Fear Street

Jack and I are at the train station waiting to head to NYC to see his dad. Missed the 3:21 and actually caught the 4!

me: Look, free books! (I poke through the rack in the station)

Jack: I’m gonna use my sonic screwdriver on this soda machine…

me: Hey here’s an R.L. Stine book. Fear Street. Looks good. Want it? (I read the back flap out loud.)

Jack: (in his most extreme sarcastic voice) Mom, FEAR street? Come on!!

me: So

Jack: Those books are so completely predictable!!