Conversations

Bathroom timewarp

Remember when morning rituals were THIS easy!

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Boy, we thought it was so hard back then. When they were little. They NEEDED us all the time. When they get older they don’t need us as much. Right????

Ugh…

When Jack and I enter the bathroom to start our morning ritual (or anytime we need to leave the house relatively quickly, and get cleaned up first), we seem to be on Martian time. Everything takes just a bit…longer than it really should. I’m wondering if you can help me figure out where we’re going wrong, and maybe give a little advice as to how we can speed things up.

Up for a challenge? Read on! I can’t quite figure out what’s taking so long.

 

me: Jack! Time to brush! Are you done eating?

Jack: (tears through the house to my bathroom) All done! And I put my bowl in the sink!

me: (foolishly thinking the rest of the morning will be as easy) Awesome! Thanks Jack…

Jack: What did you want me to do?

me: You didn’t hear me?

Jack: I heard you.

me: Well, then what did I just ask you to do?

Jack: I don’t know, what did you just ask me to do.

(Let me just say that at this point, he’s really not purposely joking. He’s just lost somewhere in his head, because while he asks me this, he’s twerking in the mirror and watching himself move.)

me: Stop twerking. Brush.

Jack: Huh? (keeps twerking and now comes over to me to make sure I see he’s twerking). Watch!

me: Jack stop. Brush your teeth.

Jack: Sigh. Okayyyy… (he gets going on his teeth finally, while I start to blow dry my hair)

me: Stay in here! Don’t wander around the house with your toothbrush! (he’s gone). Sigh….  Jack!

Jack: What! I’m brushing!

me: In here please. You’re spraying toothpaste all over.

Jack: No I’m not! (he says this after he removes the electric toothbrush from his mouth and forgets to turn it off, so it sprays everywhere)

me: Jack, come on. First, you’re supposed to brush until it turns off on its own. Second, you have to clean up that mirror now. Look at it.

Jack: (mutters) Such a control freak.

me: Grrrr.

(he cleans the mirror, making it actually look a bit worse, but I’ll accept it. I make him brush again, IN the bathroom and until the beep, which takes 2 minutes).

me: See? If you stay in here you wouldn’t have to brush twice. When you wander around, you let the toothbrush hang out of your mouth and you’re only brushing like 2 teeth.

Jack: How’s this?? (he offers his mouth for inspection)

me: Much better. Okay now wash your face.

Jack: (splashes water on his mouth, then comes over and tells me I’m mushy.) It’s all about that mush Mom!

me: Stoppit.

Jack: But the mush rules!

me: That’s muscle.

Jack: Not right here! (he pinches my side)

me: Arrgghhh! Stop. Take your glasses off and wash. Completely. With soap.

Jack: Sigh…

(I go back to my hair and notice that he found a nerf gun next to the tub. He’s crouched behind the shower wall aiming at my butt).

me: Jack let’s go or you’re gonna miss the bus.

Jack: I already washed!

me: You wet your mouth. And then you shot me with a nerf gun. Let’s go.

Jack: It’s clean! Look! (now he comes over to me and puts his open mouth in my eyes).

me: It looks clean but you ate breakfast and there’s still food on your face that you can’t see. Wash it please!

Jack: Sigh… (he slowly gets the soap and starts washing his mouth only.)

me: Just take the glasses off and wash please. Let’s go.

Jack: Check it out mom! (he’s twerking in the mirror again)

me: Stop humping the sink. In about a minute we’re going to miss the bus completely!

Jack: Nooooo! I want to take the bus!!! It’s always your fault we’re so SLOW!!!

me: Wash!

(I go to get dressed)

Jack: Fine! (he goes at it like a mad man, water everywhere, the mirror is splattered again, his hands are wet and he puts his glasses back on)

me: You’re not even dry. Dry your hands. That’s why they get all cut up when you go out in the cold. They get chapped.

Jack: Okay they’re dry! Can we go!??

me: Let me fix your hair quick and then I think if we hurry up we’ll just make it.

Jack: Oh! Oh! Hurry! (I fix his hair and then notice he messes it up again when I turn my back)

me: Okay, go get in the car while I grab my things.

(He runs down the hall… I hear doors opening and closing and mad scrambling as he gets things together. Then silence.)

me: Jack!? (Our door beeps when you open it. I didn’t hear a beep.)

me: Jack, are you here!? (I go out into the kitchen, his stuff is all still on the floor: backpack, scarf, gloves, waterbottle, snack bag. I mutter to myself because I have to pick all this up and get my stuff and then get into the car.)

Jack: (from far away) I can hear that you know!

me: Wha—? Where are you? I move towards the sound.

Jack: (calling from the hall bathroom) Pooping!

 

 

Conversations

I might be young but I ain’t stupid

We were listening to the radio on the way home from the Sponge Bob movie last night (not very good btw), and had this little exchange.

me: She says “I might be young but I ain’t stupid” but that sounds pretty stupid when you say it that way right?

Jack: Yeah.

me: (jokingly) She should say “I might be young but I am most certainly not unintelligent”

Jack: She’s young but she’s not Shakespeare mom!!!

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Conversations

Proper grammar – you’re never too old to learn…

Jack: Me and Alex are gonna get an apartment when we’re older!

me: Alex and I…

Jack: Sigh… Anyway we’re gonna decorate it the way we want and have all Bromon stuff in it.

me: You have lots to learn before you get your own place Huh? (I’m thinking laundry, cooking, etc)

Jack: Oh yeah, like how to say Alex and I, and stuff like that…

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Conversations, Holidays

Super Bowl musings

The commercial for Big Y supermarket was just on featuring the Patriots’ Vince Wilfork…

me: Oooh rough times working for Big Y now…

Jack: He doesn’t work for Big Y, he’s just there eating their pizza…

(I still think Jack doesn’t get commercials yet)

me: He’s in a Big Y commercial eating their pizza which means Big Y hired him to be in the commercial which means he’s working for Big Y now.

Jack: Ooooh tough times. (He shakes his head)

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Holidays

The best way to save your energy

Jack: I was thinking about wearing the same clothes every day. I should do that.

me: You mean like a uniform?

Jack: No, I men exactly the same clothes. Sighhh, I just don’t want to waste all that brain power picking out what I’m gonna wear.

Yes… This was said with a straight face and a serious tone. It was a real consideration!

Yikes.

And in other news, I’ll show you some photos from Jack’s birthday sleepover. He turns 10 this Sunday omg. 10!

Jack: Mom, can you believe in 5 months I’ll be in middle school?

me: That’s June. You start middle school in September.

Jack: Well I’ll be OUT of 5th grade and technically in middle school then. Can i take my iPod to school then?

me: No.

Jack: When can I have a phone??

me: When you’re old enough to drive yourself to the store.

Jack: NOT FUNNY and REALLY annoying!

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Conversations

All I wanted was a bowl of cereal and a book…

My favorite thing to do in the morning, well it used to be… read a book while eating a bowl of cereal! Now it’s Jack’s favorite thing to do, while I run around getting things ready for the day. School snack, homework, my lunch, feed the cats, empty the litter box, get Jack to brush (GAH!), wash his face, fix his hair and get dressed, “no, we can’t watch just one episode of anything”, get me showered/dressed/etc, pack my gym bag. Should I go on?

(You’ll notice I’m not going to mention anything about Jack’s sleepover birthday party in this post. It will take me a day or two to be able to write about that one hahahahaha…  It’s soon to be time for Sh*t My 10-Year-Old Says…next week!)

So yesterday I found myself with a bit of free time when I woke up. Things were all ready for Jack’s party. All pre-planned, just like a good little Virgo… I decided to eat that bowl of cereal and finish my book. Ahhhhhhh…..

I sat down at the counter with Jack next to me with HIS cereal and HIS book. Ahhhhh…

Jack finished first and ran upstairs to play Legos for a few minutes. I slowly chewed and turned pages. AHHHHHHH!!!!

Jack: Um… MOMMMMMMMM!!!!

me: (snorting my lactose free Almond milk up my nose) GEEZ what??!!

Jack: Come up here NOWWWWW!

I literally carried my bowl of cereal with me, as I was so anxious to finish it before it got soggy… 😦

me: What the heck is going on?

Jack: Look. (he pointed to his bed.) Ed.

me: Ed what? Ohhhhhh….

Jack: He pooped on my bed.

me: Sighhhh. Second time this week. Bleh. (Down goes the bowl with the uneaten cereal developing more sog.)

I cleaned up the poop. Checked for pee. None, thank the holy you know what. But then realized that the poop had polluted through all the layers on the bed. Comforter. Fuzzy blanket. Sheet. Some stuffed animals that were close by. UGH! Everything went down into the laundry room. Of course the laundry room was full of things being washed and dried, so I piled this stuff on the floor. I ran up, grabbed my bowl of cereal with every intention of dumping it and starting again. Ahhhhh. I could salvage this!

I came down to the kitchen and saw the butt end of Bella sticking out of the sink as I walked through the living room.

I put the bowl down and ran.

me: BELLA NO!!!

She was in mid drain cleaning and didn’t hear me coming so she leaped right out of her fur and crashed across the counter to get away from me. Things went flying. Dish towel. Semi-dry bowls and silverware. I think I was swearing like Yosemite Sam “why you no good razza frazza varmit” as I tried to put everything back together. Okay. Can we just all calm down.

My phone beeped. Ohhhhh, okay. Jack’s dad had decided to come up for a visit and he was going to be at the train station at 9:30. Ugh, I had a half hour to get ready!

My phone beeped again. The lady that made Jack’s cake (soccer field with giant soccer ball! I know I said I wouldn’t type about the birthday party, but this part was great!) …said she was going to be here in 15 minutes. Gah!

It was just going to be one of those days. I got the cake, picked up Jack’s dad, returned some things at the store, bought Jack some soccer cleats for (yay!) spring soccer, went shopping for some last minute things, did some party prep to keep myself busy, brought Jack’s dad back to the train station, etc.

Later, after Jack’s dad had left, and before the sleepover gang arrived, Jack wandered by and saw a bowl of “something” on the ottoman in the living room.

Jack: What the heck is this??

me: Ugh. Gimme. (my bowl of soggy cereal had swelled into a lump of puffy brown stuff)

Jack: Too lazy to put the bowl away huh?

me: Grrrrrr….!

Conversations

When Daleks meet 9-year old boys

Ever see Galaxy Quest? We’ve seen it a dozen times. A movie about a Star Trek-type TV show with Sigourney Weaver telling the computer what to do… Tim Allen is in charge of the crew, and a bunch of aliens think the TV show is real and broadcasting historical documents. So damn funny.

Anyway, Jack is a computer tonight. A very powerful one.

Jack: (robot voice) I am the world’s most powerful computer. Ask me any question.

me: What time is it?

Jack: It is approximately … 10:40.

me: No…

Jack: 9:30?

me: Powerful computer huh?

Jack: I am the world’s most powerful computer. Ask me any question.

me: What is 8 x 14?

Jack: 124.

me: You sure?

Jack 122.

me: 8 x 14? Try 112?

Jack: MALFUNCTION! MALFUNCTION!

(Then he starts using the Dr. Who dalek voice)

Jack: EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

me: Does math always have to end this way??

Conversations

Happy belated new year etc…

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I’m way behind on posting! It’s already a week into the new year and I haven’t said anything about the sh*t Jack has been saying!

He’s currently running around the house with his iPod belted to his chest making first person black Ops videos. A little silly since it’s my black woven leather belt…but still…

We are only just clearing out the Christmas decorations. The tree is still up though I did take the decorations down. It’s such a big beast that I’m a little scared to take it down and try to get it outside… Ugh…

However the FRIGID temps have been keeping us inside also, no trips to the dump, no yard work. No doing anything. I had to shovel the driveway yesterday when I got home from work and I literally did the entire thing in about a half hour because I raced around to keep warm. Already looking for summer to get here…

Here’s what’s being said right now as he facetimes his friend.

Jack: Are you playing FNAF? I can’t get past level 5 it’s so hard. … Yeah there is! … Duuuude … No I’m not hanging up…. Grangelos… Ow … Ow… Can you see me or no? … Cool… Yeah same here … Alright I gotta go … Cuz… Chill …

Such boys. 🙂

me: Enough iPod, time to put it away.

Jack: Hold on…

me: Now.

Jack: One sec…

me: Uh uh, hand it over. When you don’t listen, you lose the privilege.

Jack: Ugh! The only reason I get cool things for Christmas is so you have more things to use against me.