We are watching the worst movie ever made. Furry Vengeance. With Brandon Fraser. And a bunch of wild animals. Jack absolutely loves this movie.
Jack: I just love this movie so much mom! Hahahahaha!
Jack: But look at all the skunks. It’s a line of fire!
me: Skunks are stinky but they really are so cute…
Jack: You know, they can be de-stinked and kept as pets.
me: Yeah they can be pretty good pets without the stink. I once…
Jack: (interrupts me by farting loudly)
me: Sigh. What about de-stinking boys?
Jack: I just LOVE this movie!!! Hahahaha!
me: Go wash up and brush your teeth please.
Jack: (looks up from his drawing) No.
me: Uh, yeah, let’s go.
Jack: It’s a free country, Mom.
me: Not for kids, now get in there.
Jack: It’s a free country for everyone! Right?
me: Yes. However…Kids have to listen to their parents. It’s a free country for you when you’re an adult.
Jack: If it’s a free country then it’s free for everyone all the time!
me: Then how would kids know how to do anything? Their parents have to teach them and keep them safe and clean and fed … So it’s free but you do have to listen to your mom.
Jack: That means it’s like prison.
Jack and I are at the train station waiting to head to NYC to see his dad. Missed the 3:21 and actually caught the 4!
me: Look, free books! (I poke through the rack in the station)
Jack: I’m gonna use my sonic screwdriver on this soda machine…
me: Hey here’s an R.L. Stine book. Fear Street. Looks good. Want it? (I read the back flap out loud.)
Jack: (in his most extreme sarcastic voice) Mom, FEAR street? Come on!!
Jack: Those books are so completely predictable!!
Remember when morning rituals were THIS easy!
Boy, we thought it was so hard back then. When they were little. They NEEDED us all the time. When they get older they don’t need us as much. Right????
When Jack and I enter the bathroom to start our morning ritual (or anytime we need to leave the house relatively quickly, and get cleaned up first), we seem to be on Martian time. Everything takes just a bit…longer than it really should. I’m wondering if you can help me figure out where we’re going wrong, and maybe give a little advice as to how we can speed things up.
Up for a challenge? Read on! I can’t quite figure out what’s taking so long.
me: Jack! Time to brush! Are you done eating?
Jack: (tears through the house to my bathroom) All done! And I put my bowl in the sink!
me: (foolishly thinking the rest of the morning will be as easy) Awesome! Thanks Jack…
Jack: What did you want me to do?
me: You didn’t hear me?
Jack: I heard you.
me: Well, then what did I just ask you to do?
Jack: I don’t know, what did you just ask me to do.
(Let me just say that at this point, he’s really not purposely joking. He’s just lost somewhere in his head, because while he asks me this, he’s twerking in the mirror and watching himself move.)
me: Stop twerking. Brush.
Jack: Huh? (keeps twerking and now comes over to me to make sure I see he’s twerking). Watch!
me: Jack stop. Brush your teeth.
Jack: Sigh. Okayyyy… (he gets going on his teeth finally, while I start to blow dry my hair)
me: Stay in here! Don’t wander around the house with your toothbrush! (he’s gone). Sigh…. Jack!
Jack: What! I’m brushing!
me: In here please. You’re spraying toothpaste all over.
Jack: No I’m not! (he says this after he removes the electric toothbrush from his mouth and forgets to turn it off, so it sprays everywhere)
me: Jack, come on. First, you’re supposed to brush until it turns off on its own. Second, you have to clean up that mirror now. Look at it.
Jack: (mutters) Such a control freak.
(he cleans the mirror, making it actually look a bit worse, but I’ll accept it. I make him brush again, IN the bathroom and until the beep, which takes 2 minutes).
me: See? If you stay in here you wouldn’t have to brush twice. When you wander around, you let the toothbrush hang out of your mouth and you’re only brushing like 2 teeth.
Jack: How’s this?? (he offers his mouth for inspection)
me: Much better. Okay now wash your face.
Jack: (splashes water on his mouth, then comes over and tells me I’m mushy.) It’s all about that mush Mom!
Jack: But the mush rules!
me: That’s muscle.
Jack: Not right here! (he pinches my side)
me: Arrgghhh! Stop. Take your glasses off and wash. Completely. With soap.
(I go back to my hair and notice that he found a nerf gun next to the tub. He’s crouched behind the shower wall aiming at my butt).
me: Jack let’s go or you’re gonna miss the bus.
Jack: I already washed!
me: You wet your mouth. And then you shot me with a nerf gun. Let’s go.
Jack: It’s clean! Look! (now he comes over to me and puts his open mouth in my eyes).
me: It looks clean but you ate breakfast and there’s still food on your face that you can’t see. Wash it please!
Jack: Sigh… (he slowly gets the soap and starts washing his mouth only.)
me: Just take the glasses off and wash please. Let’s go.
Jack: Check it out mom! (he’s twerking in the mirror again)
me: Stop humping the sink. In about a minute we’re going to miss the bus completely!
Jack: Nooooo! I want to take the bus!!! It’s always your fault we’re so SLOW!!!
(I go to get dressed)
Jack: Fine! (he goes at it like a mad man, water everywhere, the mirror is splattered again, his hands are wet and he puts his glasses back on)
me: You’re not even dry. Dry your hands. That’s why they get all cut up when you go out in the cold. They get chapped.
Jack: Okay they’re dry! Can we go!??
me: Let me fix your hair quick and then I think if we hurry up we’ll just make it.
Jack: Oh! Oh! Hurry! (I fix his hair and then notice he messes it up again when I turn my back)
me: Okay, go get in the car while I grab my things.
(He runs down the hall… I hear doors opening and closing and mad scrambling as he gets things together. Then silence.)
me: Jack!? (Our door beeps when you open it. I didn’t hear a beep.)
me: Jack, are you here!? (I go out into the kitchen, his stuff is all still on the floor: backpack, scarf, gloves, waterbottle, snack bag. I mutter to myself because I have to pick all this up and get my stuff and then get into the car.)
Jack: (from far away) I can hear that you know!
me: Wha—? Where are you? I move towards the sound.
Jack: (calling from the hall bathroom) Pooping!
Jack: Don’t point that thing at me.
Jack:: Just don’t.
me: You don’t like when I take your picture?
Jack: Just don’t.
We were listening to the radio on the way home from the Sponge Bob movie last night (not very good btw), and had this little exchange.
me: She says “I might be young but I ain’t stupid” but that sounds pretty stupid when you say it that way right?
me: (jokingly) She should say “I might be young but I am most certainly not unintelligent”
Jack: She’s young but she’s not Shakespeare mom!!!
Jack: Me and Alex are gonna get an apartment when we’re older!
me: Alex and I…
Jack: Sigh… Anyway we’re gonna decorate it the way we want and have all Bromon stuff in it.
me: You have lots to learn before you get your own place Huh? (I’m thinking laundry, cooking, etc)
Jack: Oh yeah, like how to say Alex and I, and stuff like that…