Last day as a 6-year-old saying sh*t

It’s Jack’s world and I’m just living in it…

Wow that year flew by, eh? Tomorrow I’m supposed to unveil the sh*t my 7-year-old says header, but please don’t hold me to it. I’m working on it I swear, but I’ve been kinda…busy…

Jack’s last meal as a 6-year-old was of course typical Jack style, 2 sushi rolls (eel & yellowtail) followed by vanilla ice cream. With a candle on top. Thanks to my friend Paul at Dao’s restaurant. Yummmmm! The food, not Paul.

Jack: I just want to let you know how rude you’ve been to me the last 6 years of my life. It’s really been stressful.

me: What???

Jack: I’ve been meaning to tell you.

me: I’ve been rude. To you. For 6 years. Really.

Jack: And sarcastic.

me: Okay fine, sarcastic I’ll give you. How am I rude exactly?

Jack: You tell me I can’t play on the computer a lot and then when I ask nicely you’re all NOOOOOOOO… and stuff like that.

me: You haven’t played on the computer for 6 years. What else ya got?

Jack: Sigh…If I’m on “ready to learn” at school and it’s a very good day you yell at me when I get off the bus or something stupid like that.

me: Don’t use that word please.

Jack: See? It’s all stu—…sorry…

me: You still have to follow my rules. No bad language, no rude behavior, no acting up, and all that. Otherwise yes I will take away computer time.

Jack: This is gonna happen for the next 7 years, I just know it.

me: Well, we’re here. If I’m that rude, maybe we should just go have dinner at home.

Jack: No! I’m just kidding! You’re the best mom! Not rude at all!

me: Nice try. I’m gonna remember that little story. Let’s go in.

Jack: Does this mean I can’t use the computer tomorrow?

And, that was my last meaningful conversation with Jack as a 6-year-old. Thinking back though…for the last 6 birthdays Jack has been EXTREMELY moody and irritable. His 1st birthday was a nightmare because he was alternating between cranky, miserable, crying and then stoic…just watching us intently. Maybe he sensed all the pressure of growing up, even at that young age? I don’t know, but for every single birthday since, he’s gone through some sort of mood shift where he is extra sensitive and touchy to just about everything.

I don’t have the heart to tell him we forgot to do his homework and he’ll have to do it in the morning instead of playing on the computer for 10 minutes. I think I’m gonna have to be rude mom again. I may need backup.

Tell me that again…

me: Wow, where did I get such a handsome boy? (I usually ask that when I’m fixing Jack’s hair)

Jack: You said you made me so that’s where.

me: Right… You are looking good! Once I put this stuff in your hair you’ll have all the girls chasing you around.

Jack: Mommmmmm… (he acts disgusted but then straightens out) Wait…why are they gonna chase me around?

me: Because you’ll look so handsome and they’ll want to be around you.

Jack: But what exactly will they want? (he’s all business now)

me: Oh I don’t know, maybe a smooch?

Jack: Ewwwwwww…

me: I know I know…I’m just kidding.

Jack: (cuts me off) Wait, tell me that part again how they will want to kiss me.

(I’ve created a monster…now he fixes his hair just so every morning…)

We have a SIT-CHEW-ATE-SHUN

Jack: Mom, we have a SITCHEWATESHUN!

me: Why are you saying it like that with your eyes all bugged out?

Jack: Because I’m stressing that it’s a big SITCHEWATESHUN!

me: Okayyyyy… What’s going on?

Jack: Can you ever get an EX divorce?

me: (uh oh) Huh???

Jack: Like to cancel the divorce?

me: Is that what you’re thinking about? You want Mommy and Daddy to be together?

Jack: Only because you’re being nicer to each other.

me: (we are??) Ohhh, well it’s still a decision we’re sticking to sweetie, but I’m glad you think we’re being nicer. We want to be nicer for you so you’ll be happy.

Jack: Oh… (nothing more gets said)

(later, after we talked to his Dad on the phone, and my side of the conversation was perhaps NOT so nice)

Jack: You know, nevermind. The situation is over.

me: What now? The ex-divorce thing?

Jack: You and Daddy are still cranky so I think you made the right choice. Now can we stop talking about it?

me: (!)

 

Musings of an almost 7 year old…

Jack: Things were easier when I was little…

me: Yeah? When you were 2?

Jack: I guess. I didn’t get all crazy about school and homework and stuff.

me: That’s because you didn’t have any.

Jack: Oh yeah! But then I got school, and homework, and gym and reading bags and music…sigh…

me: When you get older you have more things to think about and do.

Jack: How come the more things I have, the worse my life gets? I can’t wait to be a grown up and have no stress!

Hot pineapple phone call

 

 

 

 

 

Jack: Hi Dad!

Dennis: Hey how was your day?

Jack: Pretty good. We’re going to Mommy’s class now.

Dennis: Oh…what did you eat for dinner?

Jack: (harsh whisper to me) What was that stuff called?

me: Pineapple fried rice.

Jack: It was pineapple fried rice.

Dennis: Sounds good.

Jack: It’s really not as good as it sounds because it had HOT pineapple in it. I mean really, who puts hot pineapple in FRIED RICE!? Sheesh…

Dennis: So you like your pineapple cold?

Jack: Yeah, the way it’s SUPPOSED to be.

(they finish up the call)

me: So you didn’t like my rice, eh?

Jack: Ummm…I did, just not the HOT pineapple.

me: Okay, no hot pineapple next time.

Jack: You know I really think we said HOT pineapple enough tonight. Why do you go ahead and make dinners that start to take over my life?

Would you call this spoiled?

Jack: Will you rub my back before bed?

me: Of course!

Jack: And my hair?

me: Totally. We can read a story and I’ll give you a little massage.

Jack: Awesome! Can I have a snack in bed??

me: No, this isn’t a day spa…

Jack: You can give me sips of water while you read and massage me. hahahaha!

me: Very funny. Even though you think I’m your slave, I’m not…

Jack: Remember, all moms are slaves.

me: Yeah…pffft…

Jack: Okay so start massaging! How about my feet?

me: Sure. Give me the little hooves…

Jack: Ahhh this is the life. Where’s the story?

me: I can’t massage your feet and hold a book, now can I? I was being a little ambitious. (I massage him for a bit)

Jack: (yawning) Jack getting sleepy.

me: Good. Have a good night sweetie…(I make motions to start leaving)

Jack: HEY LADY! I PAID FOR 2O MINUTES AND THIS WAS ONLY 10. WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL???

2 songs about toilets?

Jack: (singing) Girl look at that potty. Girl look at that potty… I work out!

me: (lmfao) Jack! It’s “body” not “potty”! Hahahahaha!!!!!

Jack: Well they have the other song that’s Potty rock is in the house tonight! So what about that??

me: It’s “party”. Sigh. Do you have to pee or something?

Jack: No! Why are you correcting me??

me: Don’t whine about it, I’m just telling you the real words.

Jack: I’m not whining I’m griping!!

Purple, Purple, Purple

I’m not a purple person, or even a pink person. We love camo, gray, black, brown, tan, beige, but no girly colors have infiltrated my house! Jack has been messing with me lately (wait, lately??) and just saying random girly colors when I try to have a normal conversation with him. Grrrr!

me: Hey come here and let me fix your belt. I want to see power today in class, okay?

Jack: Purple.

me: I’m serious, just focus and have a great class.

Jack: Purple.

me: Fine, go! (he runs off)

Jack: (mouthing from across the room) Purple!

me: (shaking my head) I have no idea what he’s doing.

Jack: (using the sign language alphabet) P-I-N-K (he spells it out and then runs over to me for “double” kisses)

me: Ha ha. Very funny. What are you talking about Jack? Was “purple” too hard to sign?

Jack: Hey, you’re making fun of me! But don’t worry, you’re the best Mom in the world so I don’t take you too seriously.

I still have no idea what he’s thinking in that head of his. Any ideas??

Not really loving gym class

Jack: I tasted blood today in gym. Or P.E. as I like to call it.

me: You’re a funny kid you know that? Blood again huh?

Jack: After running 50 laps around the gym you’d taste blood too.

me: Yeah, 50 is a lot. You sure it was 50?

Jack: Of course I’m sure…I’m great at math!!

me: Oh, well, maybe you could ask your gym teacher to cut it back to 40 laps or something?

Jack: He doesn’t even listen to us! Even if I called him on the phone he wouldn’t listen! What am I supposed to do, dial his number and say “congratulations you’re an idiot”?

me: Heyyyyy! Don’t get crazy here…

Jack: See what I mean? It’s just craaaazy in gym. Now you understand me.

I’m feeling a little sick…

Jack has been feeling funny all weekend. A minor stomach bug perhaps? He was tired, took a nap in the car which is unheard of, ate very little…yeah based on that last one I would say he’s got something. Now I’m starting to feel funny. Uh oh.

Jack: I was nauseous all day Mommy.

me: Aww, that stinks…

Jack: I had to keep the trash can next to me just in case.

me: Did you throw up?

Jack: No, but I really wanted to. I even went to the nurse but she said I was fine. Why does she always say that?

me: Well one thought is that you had to use the word “always”…

Jack: I don’t even know what that means! And she used a thermometer right under my ACTUAL tongue! Everyone knows it’s supposed to beep across your forehead! Sheesh, it’s like you’re both from the olden days or something!!