Sh*t My 6-Year-Old Says (but he's 18 now)
I started this blog when Jack was only 5 years old! And, still, I can't make this sh*t up!
Jack: Do you know that Nick at school smells exactly like Charlie?
me: What does Charlie smell like?
Jack: He smells like Nick!!! (Jack scoffs.)
me: Sigh.
(Side note: we picked a winner in my last post/contest! You lucky dog! I’ll reply in that post to the winner and if I don’t hear back I guess I’ll have to …sigh…contact you directly.).
🙂
I don’t know what to call this blog post. Therefore I decided to have a contest! If you leave your title suggestion in the comments section, I will pick the best comment out of the bunch! If there is only one comment (mom) or (gasp) none, then the contest is null and void. No prize will be awarded.
Wait… Prize? Why not! I’ll give the winner an autographed drawing by Jack. That will be worth something when he’s rich and famous!
Okay it’s settled. Let’s begin.
How many of you still have your Christmas tree up? (Me raising my hand).
How many of you cut gum out of your hair today? (Me again).
How many if you hate how the iPhone corrects “of” to “if” all the time?
Sigh.
Last one… HOW many if …OF you were sitting on the couch eating oatmeal and dribbled some on your shirt and then moved your hair out of the way and noticed the oatmeal moved with it and THEN realized it wasn’t oatmeal at all but the gum that had mysteriously gone missing in the car when your son leaned forward to kiss you and then had a weird look on his face like he lost something and then when you asked him what was wrong he guiltily said “Ohhhh nothing”. Show of hands? Come ON! Don’t let me win them all!
Okay, let me confess. I’m hyper caffeinated right now. I had green tea twice today. And that’s because I had sushi twice today. Lunch and dinner. That’s a first. But oh so good.
And this is the 2nd time I’m typing this post because I lost the first one when I tried to put a photo in! Gah! Luckily I’m like super speedy!!!
Now, because this isn’t “Sh*t My Mom Says”, I will let you know what Jack said on the way home from our sushi lunch / hockey game play date.
Jack: Never take me to the Guggenheim museum. 2 reasons. It’s boring AND I’ve already been there. I can sit in an airport for two hours with no cartoons but that museum was ridiculous!
And there you have it. Totally random.
I call this post “Untitled” circa 2013. Let’s see what you come up with.
Oh and before I forget, this blog title will change on the 25th to “Sh*t My 8-Year-Old Says. I can’t believe I started this blog when Jack was 5! Three years of typing…
Holy sh*t.
Yep. Jack’s home sick with croup and a wicked fever. He wasn’t very hungry until after the Motrin kicked in. I decided to make the most wicked pancakes ever. Want the recipe?
Jack: Mom, these are the best pancakes ever! Well, I haven’t tried them yet but when I do I know they’ll be the best.
me: Nice.
Here’s the Pancake recipe (I’ve posted it before… But what the heck.)
Mix dry ingredients…
– 1 cup flour
– 1 teaspoon baking powder
– 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
– 1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
Then add wet:
– 1 + 1/3 cup milk (any kind…)
– 1 beaten egg
– 2 tablespoons melted butter
– 1/2 teaspoon real vanilla
Mix only until blended and largest lumps are gone. Use a pretty hot griddle. I set mine for 350 and flip them when the bubbles rise to the top. Yum!
So…we finished eating pancakes and sat on the couch to watch Star Wars. Episode 4. Again.
I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. It was black and moving quickly. I jumped back and realized it was one of the wolf spiders that lived in our Christmas tree. I had forgotten about them. I had found a few dead ones after I stopped watering the tree and thought they were all gone. This one landed on the table and literally turned to look at me and then backed slowly away. Yeesh.
Okay I’m gonna get back to the boy with the fever and the 59th episode of Good Luck Charlie.
Why do I always cook and bake when I’m sick? Do NOT eat anything I bring in to work tomorrow…I can guarantee I sneezed in it just a little bit.
I made stovetop Mac and cheese from scratch, broccoli, chicken, Rice Krispie treats and egg salad for lunch tomorrow. Can’t taste any of it. Bleh. Why bother eating, I say?
The Mac and cheese is super easy in case you were wondering. Cook some elbow pasta, like a 1/2 poundish…when its draining add a knob of butter and maybe a tablespoon of flour to the pan and whisk until its smooth. Then add almost a cup of milk. Let it bubble while whisking constantly for like 2 to 3 minutes til thick. Turn off heat. Then add about (gasp) 6-8 slices of American cheese. Melt and stir. You can use other cheeses as well. Then I add about a teaspoon of Worcestershire, salt, pepper and sometimes garlic powder. A tiny dab of good mustard will also boost the cheesiness. Jack ate 2 huge helpings.
He lost interest in helping with the dessert.
me: I’m ready to make the Rice Krispie treats. Wanna help?
Jack: (already engrossed in an episode of Good Luck Charlie) Nahhh..,
me: Aww…
Jack: It’s ok. If you make them really good I’ll say thank you!
me: Sigh…
me: You get to open one present on Christmas Eve.
Jack: Can I shake them?
me: Gently okay?
Jack: I can’t figure out what this one is.
me: It’s something you need.
Jack: Do YOU think it’s something i need or do I think it’s something I need? If its you then I definitely am not opening that gift.
me: Sigh. We both think you need it. No more hints. Let’s go get cleaned up. Bath or shower? If you pick bath I have a treat for you.
Jack: Bath!
me: Check it out. (I fill the tub and turn on the jacuzzi jets. I haven’t done that for Jack yet.)
Jack: Is this a jacuzzi? Woaahh. My life is gooood! Hear this…showers are now extinct!!!!
I think this is my longest ever blog-free stretch… Sorry! Oh, Jack has been saying sh*t but I’ve just neglected to tell you. I know. I said I’m sorry.
It’s been a rough week in my part of CT as you all definitely have heard. Our holiday spirit was shockingly put on hold. We’ve done everything in our power to support and help our friends in Newtown and little time has been left to think of much else. We haven’t been able to celebrate Christmas in our usual manner knowing that so many friends lost so much. I hope you will all help me to remember the shooting victims by lighting a candle in their memory tomorrow afternoon.
Jack and I are currently at the mall trying to find any last minute things we need. He desperately needed clothes after the 3-inch growth spurt he subjected me to at the end of summer. Jack’s feet literally grew 2.5 sizes. He started school with size 2 and now he will find a very nice 4.5 under the tree. Crap, I have a lot to wrap…
We picked out some things for Jack’s friends and a lot of things for Jack to wear. Finally.
Here are some things you would have heard if you had come to the mall with us. No really. You should have. It’s awesome the day before Christmas Eve.
me: Jack, don’t you think Gavin will love his gift?
Jack: You picked it out. I was just walking along being miserable.
………………….
Jack: (flying a toy space shuttle along every surface and knocking things off shelves) Sigh. The “turbo” is pooped. My attempt to go forward fails miserably. (He drops the shuttle on the floor.)
me: What does that say on the side of your shuttle.
Jack: It’s a plane.
me: Whatever.
Jack: It says USAF? What?? Oohhh US Air Force duhhhh… My friend got a plane like this at the “HB” ya know… The “holiday boutique”, get it?
…………………..
me: Can I have a kiss?
Jack: Maybe you need to do a better job brushing.
me: Sigh.
Jack: Kids are gross.
me: You’re a kid.
Jack: I mean other smaller kids. They’re nuts.
me: Yeah I agree.
Jack: I’m never having kids when I grow up.
me: You might change you mind, no?
Jack: I decided this two whole years ago! I’m pretty sure.
me: You were 5 when you thought about this?
Jack: Yeah and then I decided again yesterday.
me: Taekwondo? When the baby kept yelling at you?
Jack: I don’t want any kid that’s gonna just yell all the time and be annoying!!!
me: God FORbid!!!
I had to take Jack to see his pulmonary doctor today. After 4 days of calls from the school nurse I had to admit that Jack’s “cold” wasn’t getting any better. It was pretty asthmatic sounding with lots of wheezing.
The doctor said I had done the right combination of inhalers so at least we weren’t dealing with a critical situation like last time. Whew!
Jack: Do I have to go to sparring??
me: Yep.
Jack: But I couldn’t breathe!
me: You’re fine now. We will keep an eye on it ok?
Jack: What was he saying about the flu?
me: That you could get a flu shot to help avoid any more lung problems.
Jack: When, like when I’m 8?
me: No, like in the next week or so…
Jack: Whaaaaatt???!!! Nooooo!!!!
me: Calm down… It…
Jack: (cutting me off) And THAT is why I hate the holiday season!! It’s the season of shots!!!!
me: Oh! Listen to this song. I used to love it when I was like 13…
Jack: It’s ok. Who is it?
me: Def Leppard.
Jack: That’s weird.
me: Yeah… I used to freak out if Grandpa didn’t let me watch the video on MTV.
Jack: We don’t even have MTV.
me: Yeah I know…
Jack: Is this Oldies?
me: Sort of ha ha. What do you think?
Jack: I only heard half the song and I already know it. They don’t say much.
me: Well we all liked it back then. It was pretty popular.
Jack: It’s so easy that I can already guess the lyrics before they sing them.
me: Nice.
Jack: Here, I have a quiz for you.
me: What is it?
Jack: If Matt needs 500 signatures for his petition but only has 318, then how many does he need?
me: Let’s see…318 + 2 is 320 + 80 is…
Jack: I don’t need to hear your work!!
me: Sheesh Jack… So it’s 182? Am I right?
Jack: (scribbling something) I don’t know… I mean, yeah correct!!
me: Heeyyy let me see that. Is that your homework?? Jack…sigh…
Sh*t My 6-Year-Old Says (but he's 18 now) 