My “so-called” disturbing phrases

Friend: So, you’re still writing on your blog? Wow.

me: Yeah, not as often, but I still have lots of material. (I glance over at Jack who I’m sure is listening to every word).

Friend: Jack, do you read your mom’s blog?

Jack: You mean so I can read about all of these “so-called” disturbing phrases that I say? I don’t think so.


Tree nut allergies are like Star Wars. Eat your pencil eraser instead.

Jack: Speaking of Jude. He ate an eraser today.

me: Sigh. Why?

Jack: Because it looked like a cupcake.

me: And did it taste like a cupcake?

Jack: Not really. I tried it too. But the green regular kind that goes on the end of your pencil.

me: So yours didn’t even look like a cupcake but it was tempting enough to try??

Jack: I guess so…

me: You know that isn’t food, right? And your body can’t digest it? Did you actually swallow it?

Jack: (silence)

me: Nice. You’re old enough to know better than that right? It’s not like you’re a baby that just puts things in his mouth. (And here is a site that I found interesting…edible pencil toppers!)

Jack: Did I ever eat non-food-things when I was a baby?

me: All the time. Like you once ate a pistachio shell, choked on it, threw it up and crawled away, all before Daddy or I even knew what was happening.

Jack: But that’s a TREE nut! I didn’t die?

me: No, that was probably your first exposure to tree nuts. That’s when your body said “hey, this is a bad guy…let’s remember what he looks like and next time assemble the army to kill him.”

Jack: And next time I ate a tree nut that’s what happened? But I could’ve died!!! Why does my own body want to kill itself??

me: Your body just sees the enemy, which in your case is tree nuts. So sometimes in order to kill the enemy, it has to take out some innocent bystanders in your body, and then you have a really bad reaction. Your body is protecting you a little too well unfortunately. It’s going after it’s own people.

Jack: Oh man, that is just like in a Star Wars book where Yoda picked up a battle droid and it started shooting and then Yoda turned around and had it shoot at it’s own guys!

me: And that’s just like a tree nut allergy?

Jack: Didn’t you just hear what I said?


Wait…what??? Is that still a compliment?

Jack: You make the best Mac and Cheese ever!

me: Thanks…

Jack: No seriously it is sooo good! Can I have more?

me: Of course. That’s nice of you to say that.

Jack: Are you happy when I say that?

me: Totally.

Jack: You should act happier.

me: Like do a happy dance?

Jack: Like not be sarcastic when someone gives you a compliment.

me: Oh.


The lucky urinal

(those are Lucky Charms btw)

When you have a boy, your conversations usually, no… always, have something to do with potty humor. Or bodily functions of some sort. Or both. This one made me laugh out loud today.

I’ll start at the beginning. So, we were at this gun store today trying to pitch some items to the gun store owner. Well, I was doing that while Jack browsed and looked at guns like a pro. The owner of the shop pulled out a pistol and showed it to Jack. “Do you know James Bond?” Of course Jack says no. So I say “007?” as if this will magically make Jack remember a movie he’s never even heard of. “Well” says the owner, “This is the very gun that James Bond uses in his movies. It’s a SPY gun.” Jack’s eyes get wide. “Do you want to hold it?” (Does he ever)

So Jack holds the gun and twists it around in his hands and has a look of awe on his face. The owner takes the gun back and says “You know, you just held that gun in a way that I’ve never seen a kid or an adult hold a gun when it’s first given to them.” (Huh?) “You were smart enough to keep your finger away from the trigger. Most kids especially like to hold the gun, take aim and pull the trigger, but you didn’t even put your finger on the trigger. Smart boy.”

Jack: Thanks. (he has a look of “I’m awesome” on his face now)

me: Okay time to go. (we get into the car) So, did you know what you were doing back there or was that sheer luck I was seeing?

Jack: Total luck. You always get lucky when you use the Wednesday urinal.

me: Sigh. (do I even want to know?) What. Is. A Wednesday urinal…?

Jack: The boy’s bathroom has 5 urinals, so we give one to each day of the week. If you use the right urinal, you’ll have luck all day!

me: Do you really believe that?

Jack: Look what just happened in the store!

me: Okay, okay. What happens if you use the wrong urinal.

Jack: Well! The other day, Joey used the Thursday urinal on a MONDAY! How dumb is that?? And he totally had to go to the principal’s office.

me: For using the wrong urinal? (I’m joking of course)

Jack: Noooo, duhhhh! Because of something else totally. But now I’m not telling you.

me: Fine, sorry. I was just kidding.

Jack: Now that it’s the long weekend we have to go right back to the Monday urinal. I don’t know how bad it’s gonna be that we had to skip the Thursday and Friday ones.

(he shakes his head and gets a worried look on his face)

Jack: How old do I have to be before I can get a pellet gun?

me: 35.

Jack: Heeeyyyyyyy!

(And as I was looking for an image of a “lucky urinal” I came across this! Fun scribbler by Ze Frank. Enjoy:


How old are you in kid years?

Jack: Kid years are like dog years only shorter.

me: What are you talking about?

Jack: Things that are fun get over soooo fast!

me: Oh I see where you’re going with this…

Jack: When it’s fun it’s over quickly and when it’s boring it goes on forever.

me: I think it works that way for grown ups too.

Jack: Can we go back to Disney soon?

me: We just went!

Jack: We went to Disney 3 months ago. You know how long that is in kid years? Like 3 years. Each kid day is like 5 days. And that’s why I hate school.

me: Okaayyy? Then what about weekends? How long are they?

Jack: Weekends are shorter in kid days. Like half a day long and that’s it. We need 3 day weekends and 4 day weeks. Ever think of that??!

me: I hear ya sister…

Conversations, Uncategorized

We all start out as girls


Jack: Waaaait, is that true?!
me: Sort of. All babies start with 2 X chromosomes for girls. The boy Y chromosome kicks in later.

Jack: What are you talking about?

me: Babies start as girls and then switch to boys if they’re supposed to.

Jack: There is gonna be a riot in my school when I tell my friends!!

me: Don’t go crazy, okay?

Jack: Hey! Is that why boys have nipples???

Bedtime, Conversations

Oh he’s gonna kill me for this one someday…



Jack: Mom, please please stop telling everyone what you call me at home.

me: What do you mean? I don’t tell anyone that…

Jack: You told Grandpa on Sunday!

me: No, actually he guessed.

Jack: But you told him it’s the opposite of this and it sounds like that, so basically you just told him!!

me: But it’s cute!

Jack: It’s emBARRASing!

me: Everyone has nicknames you know.

Jack: Not like that! Can you just use it at home, and maybe just in the morning or something when I’m not really awake??

me: Okay I’ll try.

Jack: Do you promise??

me: Of course I do. I don’t want to embarrass you, but I love you and I just sometimes call you nicknames. It’s a hard habit to break. Plus you’re so cute.

Jack: Oh brother…

me: Okay time for bed. Get in there…

Jack: Do we have school tomorrow?

me: Who the heck knows. Can you hear that wind?

Jack: I measured the snow with my toothbrush and it almost went ALL the way up the handle!

me: Clever… Did you bring it back in?

Jack: Yeah, but it’s down in the basement because I was watching the movie while I brushed.

me: Sigh. Okay, all tucked in and toasty?

Jack: Yeah (big yawn) I’m tired.

me: Get some rest. Goodnight sweet cheeks. I love you.

Jack: Goodnight. I love you too.

me: (whew)

(hee hee…)


Election 2012 in the words of a 7-year old

Jack and I were on the way to my office this morning. His school was closed. Again. For voting. I think he may never have a full week of school again! Today they have a half day to make up the parent conferences that should have happened last week when the power was out.

I told Jack that first we had to stop at the middle school so that I could vote.

Jack: Awww we don’t need to vote! We already know who’s gonna win!

me: We do?

Jack: Of course we do! its Obama!

me: How do you know? What about Romney?

Jack: Only people in New Jersey like Romney. Even my teachers hate him. I think he’s trying to buy votes.

me: Gasp… Nooooo…!

Jack: Sarcasm!

me: Do you guys talk about this in your classroom?

Jack: No. I just listen to the teachers in the hall. If you pay attention you can hear all their conversations.

Conversations, Holidays

O.P.M. Is that sort of like O.P.P?

Jack: Are we trick or treating tonight??

(Our power came back yesterday after 6 days and our town had postponed Halloween until tonight)

me: Yeah, let’s give it a try! I hope the neighbors remember…

Jack: Of course they will! What else is there to do around here?

me: Good point… It’s freezing out so you’ll have to wear your winter coat under your costume.

Jack: Awww! You’re totally O.P.M!!!

me: Uh… What???

Jack: Over protective Mom!

me: Did you just make that up? Actually, nevermind…