I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up.

Posts tagged “9 year old

#1 most-read post from 2014

And here you have it. Ta-daaaa. The most-read, most-loved, most-viewed post of 2014. You like me, you really like me! Gah… 🙂

Enjoy! Oh, the post is below. It wasn’t the Sally Field thing.

heh heh.

Failure is NOT an option!


All I wanted was a bowl of cereal and a book…

My favorite thing to do in the morning, well it used to be… read a book while eating a bowl of cereal! Now it’s Jack’s favorite thing to do, while I run around getting things ready for the day. School snack, homework, my lunch, feed the cats, empty the litter box, get Jack to brush (GAH!), wash his face, fix his hair and get dressed, “no, we can’t watch just one episode of anything”, get me showered/dressed/etc, pack my gym bag. Should I go on?

(You’ll notice I’m not going to mention anything about Jack’s sleepover birthday party in this post. It will take me a day or two to be able to write about that one hahahahaha…  It’s soon to be time for Sh*t My 10-Year-Old Says…next week!)

So yesterday I found myself with a bit of free time when I woke up. Things were all ready for Jack’s party. All pre-planned, just like a good little Virgo… I decided to eat that bowl of cereal and finish my book. Ahhhhhhh…..

I sat down at the counter with Jack next to me with HIS cereal and HIS book. Ahhhhh…

Jack finished first and ran upstairs to play Legos for a few minutes. I slowly chewed and turned pages. AHHHHHHH!!!!

Jack: Um… MOMMMMMMMM!!!!

me: (snorting my lactose free Almond milk up my nose) GEEZ what??!!

Jack: Come up here NOWWWWW!

I literally carried my bowl of cereal with me, as I was so anxious to finish it before it got soggy… 😦

me: What the heck is going on?

Jack: Look. (he pointed to his bed.) Ed.

me: Ed what? Ohhhhhh….

Jack: He pooped on my bed.

me: Sighhhh. Second time this week. Bleh. (Down goes the bowl with the uneaten cereal developing more sog.)

I cleaned up the poop. Checked for pee. None, thank the holy you know what. But then realized that the poop had polluted through all the layers on the bed. Comforter. Fuzzy blanket. Sheet. Some stuffed animals that were close by. UGH! Everything went down into the laundry room. Of course the laundry room was full of things being washed and dried, so I piled this stuff on the floor. I ran up, grabbed my bowl of cereal with every intention of dumping it and starting again. Ahhhhh. I could salvage this!

I came down to the kitchen and saw the butt end of Bella sticking out of the sink as I walked through the living room.

I put the bowl down and ran.

me: BELLA NO!!!

She was in mid drain cleaning and didn’t hear me coming so she leaped right out of her fur and crashed across the counter to get away from me. Things went flying. Dish towel. Semi-dry bowls and silverware. I think I was swearing like Yosemite Sam “why you no good razza frazza varmit” as I tried to put everything back together. Okay. Can we just all calm down.

My phone beeped. Ohhhhh, okay. Jack’s dad had decided to come up for a visit and he was going to be at the train station at 9:30. Ugh, I had a half hour to get ready!

My phone beeped again. The lady that made Jack’s cake (soccer field with giant soccer ball! I know I said I wouldn’t type about the birthday party, but this part was great!) …said she was going to be here in 15 minutes. Gah!

It was just going to be one of those days. I got the cake, picked up Jack’s dad, returned some things at the store, bought Jack some soccer cleats for (yay!) spring soccer, went shopping for some last minute things, did some party prep to keep myself busy, brought Jack’s dad back to the train station, etc.

Later, after Jack’s dad had left, and before the sleepover gang arrived, Jack wandered by and saw a bowl of “something” on the ottoman in the living room.

Jack: What the heck is this??

me: Ugh. Gimme. (my bowl of soggy cereal had swelled into a lump of puffy brown stuff)

Jack: Too lazy to put the bowl away huh?

me: Grrrrrr….!


When Daleks meet 9-year old boys

Ever see Galaxy Quest? We’ve seen it a dozen times. A movie about a Star Trek-type TV show with Sigourney Weaver telling the computer what to do… Tim Allen is in charge of the crew, and a bunch of aliens think the TV show is real and broadcasting historical documents. So damn funny.

Anyway, Jack is a computer tonight. A very powerful one.

Jack: (robot voice) I am the world’s most powerful computer. Ask me any question.

me: What time is it?

Jack: It is approximately … 10:40.

me: No…

Jack: 9:30?

me: Powerful computer huh?

Jack: I am the world’s most powerful computer. Ask me any question.

me: What is 8 x 14?

Jack: 124.

me: You sure?

Jack 122.

me: 8 x 14? Try 112?

Jack: MALFUNCTION! MALFUNCTION!

(Then he starts using the Dr. Who dalek voice)

Jack: EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

me: Does math always have to end this way??


The Last Subaru Confessions of 2014

Jack: (munching away) Oohh look, I can turn these pretzels into alphabet letters.

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me: Are you tired?

Jack: No.

me: Are you hungry?

Jack: No.

me: Are you scared?

Jack: No.

me: Then what are you?

Jack: Awesome.

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Jack: Remember when we used to hate each other? Like in 3rd grade? Now we’re brothers from another mother…

Friend: We’re gonna live together and probably do something stupid like burn the house down!

Jack: Hashtag evicted!!

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Friend: You are the most awesome mom in the world! You just called me a squirrelly mofo!! Dude, I never heard a mom say that…

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First thing Jack says when he gets an iPod

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Happy Christmas Eve!

How’s everyone doing out there? Sitting in front of Cheers reruns with a belly full of chocolate chip cookies?? Nah, me either…

We had an interesting holiday so far… Jack got an iPod (early!) a Diablo game (almost busted the TV), and a sugar buzz ahem from the chocolate chip cookies (we have been off sugar since September). We let him open a present from me and a present from Grandma… And he still has a few more to open 🙂

I even have a present under the tree! And I bought myself a crock pot. In which I made some short ribs for dinner… Mmm…

I’m getting ready to wrap the presents for Jack’s stocking… Yawn.., want to help?

Here are a few tidbits that I heard today…

Jack seemed a little gassy and I told him to stop being gross about it. Boys love bodily sounds… Ugh …

Jack: Listen to the glorious sound of nature!

We were headed into the store and Jack saw the sign that said No shirt No shoes No service.

Jack: No shoes, no shirt, but they didn’t say anything about pants!!!

We got a few stares after he yelled that…

He is currently upstairs falling asleep and dreaming of a full stocking (or two) when he wakes up.

Omg, now who is going to eat the cookies that we left out for Santa???


Christmas is NOT supposed to be educational

Jack: Woah are those my presents?

me: Yep.

Jack: Can I open one?

me: On Christmas Eve you can pick one.

Jack: (starting to shake each box) What’s this? It feels like a book!

me: Oh that’s just the giant deflatable raft that folds down into the shape of a book for easy storage.

Jack: (pauses for one millisecond…) You know, Christmas isn’t supposed to be educational!!

He’ll find out it is actually a book. But it’s a sketch book that he asked for. I just can’t let him read this now until after Christmas 🙂

One time this past summer I asked him some questions about math or something and he says “I don’t know…its summer so I’m really not supposed to be learning anything new.”

Only few more days left until I get to play Santa for “the boy who no longer believes.” Ho, ho, ho!

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