Jack was getting into the car and smashed his leg.
Jack: OW!! Frick me in the bunghole!
me: Jack! What the heck! Why are you even saying that!?
Jack: You told me not to say ass.
Sh*t My 6-Year-Old Says (but he's 18 now)
I started this blog when Jack was only 5 years old! And, still, I can't make this sh*t up!
me: Hey Jack, I saw your notebook in the kitchen and it was open to a page with some lyrics on it. What does this mean? (I show him the page)
Jack grabs the notebook in horror.
Jack: Mom you’re not supposed to read my private things!!! How can I trust you now??!!
me: It was open and I saw it. I didn’t go snooping. Explain.
Jack: That was (friend) who wrote that! I don’t even know what it is! But I can’t trust you now!!! (He starts to cry)
me: Where did your friend hear these things? They don’t sound very nice.
Jack: I don’t know!! (Sniffles)
me: Well I’d like you to tell him to please not write these things in your notebook. Especially if you don’t know where it’s from ok?
Jack: (more sniffling) Okay.
me: I’m not mad at you but moms have to keep their little boys safe, which is why I have to ask you about things like this ok?
Jack: But that’s my privacy!
me:: You can have privacy but you have to use good judgement. I’m sure you know that little boys shouldn’t be talking about beer, right?
Jack: Yeah. But now your mad and it’s all (friend’s) fault!
me: I’m not mad at all. I will be mad if I find out you’re not telling me the truth about something. Always be honest, even if you think it’s bad. That always works out better for you. Trust me.
Jack: Oh sure! That’s just what parents say when they want to make you feel good about something!
…Just let him sit on the bus next to Steven. Wait until I get my hands on this kid.
Jack: Mom, Steven taught me ALL different kinds of bad words today. The REAL ones that only grown ups say.
me: Wow, how fun that must have been! What did you learn?
Jack: (warily eyeing me from the back seat) You know, I promised SWEAR TO GOD that I wouldn’t tell anyone, so…
me: Those promises don’t carry over to Moms you know.
Jack: They don’t?
me: Of course not. Moms have to know everything. That’s how we keep our little boys and girls safe. You can always tell me even the Cross Your Heart secrets. They’re safe with me.
Jack: Okay. But, can I tell you the words?
me: I’d love to hear what Steven has to say…
(I’ll bleep them out but from this point on we have a PG-13 rating…)
Jack: Well the first one is A**Hole. Is that like your butt?
me: Kind of. But it’s pretty naughty no matter how you use it.
Jack: What’s a bastard?
me: Another naughty word.
Jack: Oh and this one’s GREAT! It sounds so funny. D**che Bag.
me: (Sigh) Okay, here’s the rule about these words. Sometimes grownups get angry and use bad words. Little kids sometimes hear these words and then tell them to their friends. It’s okay that you know about these words, but don’t ever say them out loud because you’ll get in trouble.
Jack: But we all said them to each other on the bus. No one got mad.
me: If the driver hears you, or a teacher, or even if one friend gets upset and reports you to the principal…whew…BIG trouble.
Jack: Just for words??? Why can’t they just say sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me. Huh? You ever think of that?
me: Trust me, it just has to do with good manners and what’s appropriate for a little boy to say.
Jack: Well then, you can’t say Sh*t again when you forget your keys and we’re late for the bus!
(Sh*t, he heard that??)
Jack: What’s the “C” word? Oh yeah, I know that…(I gasp) It’s “crap”. heh heh.
me: Watch it mister.
Jack: I know the “A” word. Right? It’s the donkey name. Ass.
Jack: Is there a “B” word?
me: There’s pretty much a word for every letter in the alphabet.
Jack: Why do we call it the letter?
me: Because it’s not polite to go around using bad words.
Jack: Then why were they invented?
me: Uh… I’ll have to get back to you on that one.
Jack: What’s the “Z” word.
Jack: (thinks) Heeyyyy, that’s not real! And by the way, I’m not eating any of that Zipping pasta you just made.
me: We’ll see about that!
So here’s the pasta I made tonight. Winter vegetable pasta with kale and parmesan. And a little white wine. I got the recipe from that lovely little Freshly Pressed blog The Scrumptious Pumpkin. Yummy! And, Jack ate most of it…so THERE!
Jack has my old iPod Shuffle. He loves it. I’ve given him the tamer range of my music, and then policed those songs for bad words. But sometimes things slip through the cracks.
Jack: (in the backseat, headphones on) …gettin so damn creepy just nursin this ghost of a chance… mumble mumble … technicolor jeans… black and white people…
me: Matchbox 20?
me: Turn it down. I said…Matchbox 20 song?
Jack: Black and white people.
me: It’s “technicolor dreams” not jeans.
Jack: (seems to only sing this part out loud over and over) …gettin so damn creepy just nursin this ghost of a chance… mumble mumble … technicolor jeans… black and white people…
Jack: (ignores me) Mom, this other Green Day song just starts with “FUH!” What’s that mean?
I’ll have to look into that one and see what I missed. I already know Boulevard of Broken Dreams has the F-word in it, and Jack’s favorite Billy Joel song, the Entertainer, says “laid all kinds of girls”. Sooooo. Yeah. Luckily he thinks it says “played all kinds of girls”. For now.
Jack: You’re so “L”, S-word Bubby… (translation: You’re so lame, stupid, and I’m calling you Bubby because I learned this in a book and I know it makes you mad)
me: I don’t think any of that is good, so please don’t say it, okay?
Jack: Okay Bubby. (translation: I’m still trying to make you mad)
Jack: Okay Lady, S-word. (translation: I was warned not to say “L” but I KNOW you hate to be called Lady, so I’ll try that to see where it gets me)
Jack: Mommm, S-word means SUPER cool! (translation: I’m almost in really big trouble, so I will scramble to make this sound super nice!)
me: Yeah, in what universe. Jack, please use nice words and a nice tone when you speak to me. Or anyone for that matter.
Jack; Can I say “fool” if I say it nicely? (translation: Is there a way I can say bad words and not get in trouble?)
me: Sigh…not really.
Jack: How about “Awww you’re such a fool!” (said with a big smile and sweet voice)
me: Not really cutting it. How about you just use nice words that everyone knows, so we don’t need a code to figure everything out?
Jack; That’s sooo S-word. Sorry!! (translation: Look at me pushing your buttons!)
me: One more time, no video…get it?
Jack: W-H-A-T – – –
me: (interrupting) I know what you’re spelling and I don’t like it.
Jack: No, no, no…I’m not spelling “WhatEVER” or “Lame” or “S-Word” or…(sees my look)…I was actually going to spell “Whatever you say”.
me: Yeah right! Good one.
Jack: That’s so F-word! Ha ha ha! (translation: “Funny”…in Jack speak)