I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up.

Posts tagged “Birthday

All I wanted was a bowl of cereal and a book…

My favorite thing to do in the morning, well it used to be… read a book while eating a bowl of cereal! Now it’s Jack’s favorite thing to do, while I run around getting things ready for the day. School snack, homework, my lunch, feed the cats, empty the litter box, get Jack to brush (GAH!), wash his face, fix his hair and get dressed, “no, we can’t watch just one episode of anything”, get me showered/dressed/etc, pack my gym bag. Should I go on?

(You’ll notice I’m not going to mention anything about Jack’s sleepover birthday party in this post. It will take me a day or two to be able to write about that one hahahahaha…  It’s soon to be time for Sh*t My 10-Year-Old Says…next week!)

So yesterday I found myself with a bit of free time when I woke up. Things were all ready for Jack’s party. All pre-planned, just like a good little Virgo… I decided to eat that bowl of cereal and finish my book. Ahhhhhhh…..

I sat down at the counter with Jack next to me with HIS cereal and HIS book. Ahhhhh…

Jack finished first and ran upstairs to play Legos for a few minutes. I slowly chewed and turned pages. AHHHHHHH!!!!

Jack: Um… MOMMMMMMMM!!!!

me: (snorting my lactose free Almond milk up my nose) GEEZ what??!!

Jack: Come up here NOWWWWW!

I literally carried my bowl of cereal with me, as I was so anxious to finish it before it got soggy… 😦

me: What the heck is going on?

Jack: Look. (he pointed to his bed.) Ed.

me: Ed what? Ohhhhhh….

Jack: He pooped on my bed.

me: Sighhhh. Second time this week. Bleh. (Down goes the bowl with the uneaten cereal developing more sog.)

I cleaned up the poop. Checked for pee. None, thank the holy you know what. But then realized that the poop had polluted through all the layers on the bed. Comforter. Fuzzy blanket. Sheet. Some stuffed animals that were close by. UGH! Everything went down into the laundry room. Of course the laundry room was full of things being washed and dried, so I piled this stuff on the floor. I ran up, grabbed my bowl of cereal with every intention of dumping it and starting again. Ahhhhh. I could salvage this!

I came down to the kitchen and saw the butt end of Bella sticking out of the sink as I walked through the living room.

I put the bowl down and ran.

me: BELLA NO!!!

She was in mid drain cleaning and didn’t hear me coming so she leaped right out of her fur and crashed across the counter to get away from me. Things went flying. Dish towel. Semi-dry bowls and silverware. I think I was swearing like Yosemite Sam “why you no good razza frazza varmit” as I tried to put everything back together. Okay. Can we just all calm down.

My phone beeped. Ohhhhh, okay. Jack’s dad had decided to come up for a visit and he was going to be at the train station at 9:30. Ugh, I had a half hour to get ready!

My phone beeped again. The lady that made Jack’s cake (soccer field with giant soccer ball! I know I said I wouldn’t type about the birthday party, but this part was great!) …said she was going to be here in 15 minutes. Gah!

It was just going to be one of those days. I got the cake, picked up Jack’s dad, returned some things at the store, bought Jack some soccer cleats for (yay!) spring soccer, went shopping for some last minute things, did some party prep to keep myself busy, brought Jack’s dad back to the train station, etc.

Later, after Jack’s dad had left, and before the sleepover gang arrived, Jack wandered by and saw a bowl of “something” on the ottoman in the living room.

Jack: What the heck is this??

me: Ugh. Gimme. (my bowl of soggy cereal had swelled into a lump of puffy brown stuff)

Jack: Too lazy to put the bowl away huh?

me: Grrrrrr….!

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Quote of the day…last as an 8-year old

Jack: (eating kielbasa and enjoying it immensely) Ahhh I wish I lived in a world where everything was made of pork.

me: That’s turkey kielbasa.

Jack: Whatever.

…………………………………..
A Birthday Note to Jack:
Okay my special boy, today you turn 9 years old! You are with your dad this morning but I’ll see you this afternoon to celebrate the beginning of the last year as a single digit. Sniff. You have great things in store for you this year and we are going to have so much fun!

Some day you will read this and either think it was a great idea that your mom chose to write about you or you’ll be horrified. I’m hoping you love it. There’s nothing I would rather write about than my one true love. You!

Now for an apology… I’m sorry that I allowed you to read the Sh*t My 5-year-Old Says printed book that you found on my bookshelf. I wasn’t thinking that it would forever unlock the mysteries of the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Santa. I had hoped to hold onto those special rituals at least one more year. Except for the teeth. You might be done with losing them. I should read up on that actually.

Welcome to the real world. I hope you know that every single thing a parent does, no matter how awful it seems, is for your own good and it’s because we love you and need to teach you how to be kind and smart and giving people when we eventually send you out into the world.

Except for the time I squirted you in the face with the hose. Seriously you were being so obnoxious that you needed a wakeup call. Plus it was funny. I get at least one of those moments per decade. It’s on my parental contract. Next time I promise it will be a food fight.

So, for this year, expect an amazing Valentines day because you are the only one that will forever have my heart. I’ll make it special. And there is nothing about this holiday that I ever had to pretend was real. I love you!

Happy 9th birthday!

(Tonight I’ll change the blog header…promise!! Such a demanding audience, sheesh!)


Clocking our time

20130921-191002.jpg

It’s my birthday today. 45. Whew. That’s quite a number eh?

Today is also the day that Jack and I earned our black belts in Taekwondo! I won’t soon forget this birthday. 🙂

Jack bounced into my room at exactly 6:25 am.

Jack: Happy birthday!!!

me: Grunt… oh yeah. Turning 45 at 10:14!

Jack: Whoa…You’re almost at 12 o’clock.

me: Huh? What happens at 12?

Jack: You turn 60 at 12 o’clock. I’m not even at 10 minutes. Heh heh!

I didn’t ask what happens after 12…don’t really want to know actually.

We’re currently watching Harry Potter 6, Half-blood Prince. Jack finished the book this week. Fun day!


The last day of summer…

…is also the best day of the year! When you can claim it as your birthday like I can. Who wants cake?

Yummm! I had a few pieces of this between last night and today. Jack insisted that we have a birthday “party” for me, even though it was just me and him at home. So I had to get my own cake. Stop and Shop started selling Cake Boss cakes, and I got the first one! It was pretty good. Now I have had better cakes, but this one was pretty to look at as well. Can’t complain. It’s CAKE people!

Jack’s in NYC this weekend, hence the early b-day party last night. Start my sugar buzz off on the right note I say! And let it continue! I’m heading up to the Big E tomorrow and they fry anything that’s first covered in sugar or chocolate…so I’m sure I’ll have fried oreos and twinkies. GAH! How about 1 oreo and 1 twinkie. Sheesh.

Jack: (after singing the off-key rendition of Happy Birthday) Man, it’s gonna take me forever to spank you 44 times!

me: No spanks!

Jack: We should have lit 44 candles instead of one Mom…

me: That’s against the town fire code.

Jack: (gasp) Really?

me: Kidding.

Jack: Well, how’s it feel to be heading towards those awkward middle age years?

me: (wtf??)


7-year-olds say some sh*t too!

Yeah they do.

Jack turned 7 at 4:36 p.m. And, because he’s such a stickler for rules he could not enjoy being 7 until that very time. He did wake up and say “I can’t believe I’m actually 7!” But then he said “Ohhh, not really until after school…sighhh…” I tried to cheer him up with birthday waffles and a candle…and cupcakes for school, but he was a little ho-hum about it. Still moody and a bit irritable in general. I think he’ll snap out of it soon.

Jack: Since I’m 7 can I watch some things with more violence in them?

me: Huh? Uh, no…

Jack: How about Episode 3 (Star Wars)…

me: Just a little.

Jack: I’ll fast forward through the violent stuff like the shooting and dying.

me: Jack, just last year I wouldn’t let you watch commercials for pete’s sake. Sighh…

Jack: Well you were weird last year, remember??

me: Touché…

Happy Birthday Jack! I love you!


Last day as a 6-year-old saying sh*t

It’s Jack’s world and I’m just living in it…

Wow that year flew by, eh? Tomorrow I’m supposed to unveil the sh*t my 7-year-old says header, but please don’t hold me to it. I’m working on it I swear, but I’ve been kinda…busy…

Jack’s last meal as a 6-year-old was of course typical Jack style, 2 sushi rolls (eel & yellowtail) followed by vanilla ice cream. With a candle on top. Thanks to my friend Paul at Dao’s restaurant. Yummmmm! The food, not Paul.

Jack: I just want to let you know how rude you’ve been to me the last 6 years of my life. It’s really been stressful.

me: What???

Jack: I’ve been meaning to tell you.

me: I’ve been rude. To you. For 6 years. Really.

Jack: And sarcastic.

me: Okay fine, sarcastic I’ll give you. How am I rude exactly?

Jack: You tell me I can’t play on the computer a lot and then when I ask nicely you’re all NOOOOOOOO… and stuff like that.

me: You haven’t played on the computer for 6 years. What else ya got?

Jack: Sigh…If I’m on “ready to learn” at school and it’s a very good day you yell at me when I get off the bus or something stupid like that.

me: Don’t use that word please.

Jack: See? It’s all stu—…sorry…

me: You still have to follow my rules. No bad language, no rude behavior, no acting up, and all that. Otherwise yes I will take away computer time.

Jack: This is gonna happen for the next 7 years, I just know it.

me: Well, we’re here. If I’m that rude, maybe we should just go have dinner at home.

Jack: No! I’m just kidding! You’re the best mom! Not rude at all!

me: Nice try. I’m gonna remember that little story. Let’s go in.

Jack: Does this mean I can’t use the computer tomorrow?

And, that was my last meaningful conversation with Jack as a 6-year-old. Thinking back though…for the last 6 birthdays Jack has been EXTREMELY moody and irritable. His 1st birthday was a nightmare because he was alternating between cranky, miserable, crying and then stoic…just watching us intently. Maybe he sensed all the pressure of growing up, even at that young age? I don’t know, but for every single birthday since, he’s gone through some sort of mood shift where he is extra sensitive and touchy to just about everything.

I don’t have the heart to tell him we forgot to do his homework and he’ll have to do it in the morning instead of playing on the computer for 10 minutes. I think I’m gonna have to be rude mom again. I may need backup.