Sh*t My 6-Year-Old Says (but he's 18 now)
I started this blog when Jack was only 5 years old! And, still, I can't make this sh*t up!
Jack has been rowing now for a few months and has been doing workouts regularly for the first time ever. His 14-year-old body is starting to feel it.
We were in the car driving home from rowing when Jack turned in his seat and I heard his back crack sounding like snapping a celery stick. Gross!
Then he turned and did the other side.
Jack: Ahhhhh, I’ve mastered the art of cracking my spine like a glow stick.
😱😱😱
I always get excited for Christmas. The presents and wrapping and lights and music and tree decorations and needles everywhere and returns and fattening food everywhere. Right? Aaahhhhhh.
Do you have a favorite Christmas tradition? I let Jack open one present on Christmas Eve. I think my parents let me open one on Christmas Eve so maybe that’s where I got that tradition.
Every year Jack and I cut down our tree and buy him a special ornament at the gift shop and get hot cocoa, etc. So that’s our thing.I’m all done shopping and wrapping and all the presents from “Santa” are ready to go. I mean, I’m sure Santa has his presents all ready to go 😉
me: So Jack, do you still believe in Santa?
Jack: Really? No.
me: Well then I guess he won’t deliver any presents then.
Jack: Ha. Ha. Not funny.
me: I’m serious, he won’t deliver presents unless you really believe. So do you?
I look back at him from the front seat of the car to see his look of disdain, one eyebrow raised. And to think, Jack first learned about parents delivering presents as Santa by reading my blog.
Isn’t it ironic? Don’tcha think? 😫
Jack : That’s like the stupid Think Pads we use. They’re so old!!!! Like, cave men used them.
…………….
Friend: I had to take this test and it was like Why are the polar ice caps melting? … A. Global Warming, B. Earth Worms, C. Climate Change or D. We are getting closer to the sun. And it’s like A and C are totally the same!!!
Jack: Actually, global warming is a result of climate change.
me: Nice.
Wow, so this is what it’s like to sit at a computer and type a blog post. I type 99% of my posts on my phone. Stupid gaming thumb pain… Stupid auto correct… Stupid not enough bells and whistles on the WordPress app… Stupid small screen that I have to turn sideways to see (sometimes…when it’s dark out.. ahem). Now I’m sitting luxuriously (see I wouldn’t use a big word like that on the phone. Too many thumb taps…) LUXURIOUSLY at my desk and typing pretty darn fast. Ha, no mistakes either. Or so I think…
My boy is home from NYC. Took the 1:04 train, or whatever, and got there around 2:30. I had a cheeseburger (hot off the grill)Â Â Â with ketchup, and a hard boiled egg waiting for him. Yep, he inhaled both. I don’t think he gets protein in NYC. Well maybe sometimes, but I knew he’d be starving.
As we drove, I told him about my morning laps around the school track. He grunted as he ate the burger in 3 bites and the egg in 2.
Jack: What?
me: I just finished the story. Really?
Jack: Sorry. I wasn’t listening.
me: I SAID I did laps this morning around the track. It’s 1/4 mile and I did 16…so how many miles is that?
Jack: (blank stare)
me: Huh? (he’s super good at math, so this was like duh, easy)
Jack: 3?
me: Are you even listening to the equation? Each lap, quarter mile. Did 16. A quarter of 16?
Jack: Oh yeah, 4. Anyway I’m just too fast for math. I was already onto something else.
me: If you were too fast, wouldn’t you have at least gotten the right answer?
Jack: I would have to care…
me: Nice.
Jack: By the way, you’re looking extra … MUSHY!
He reaches forward to try and grab under my arm, which I now know simply means he loves me.
I’ll take what I can get.
me: Jack, don’t forget your socks.. They’re in the door handle where you left them.
Jack: Oh look, I can use my socks to wipe up the lemonade I just spilled!
me: Sigh, come on…gross!
Jack: Don’t call me gross. Call me resourceful.
me: My butts asleep! We’ve been driving too long.
Jack: Not mine. Mine is active and happy!
me: You know, sometimes it’s nice to put the iPad away and look out the window. See what’s happening in the real world.
Jack: This is the real world. The minecraft world.
I bought Jack a Star Wars character flip book while he was away this weekend. I wanted to get him a little surprise since I was also away on business and I missed him a lot. He loved it and immediately flipped through it as we drove home.
Jack: This guy’s good. (Then he flipped and kept a running monologue on each character.)
Bad (flip)
Awkward (flip)
Horrible (flip)
Awesome (flip)
Awesome (flip)
Weird (flip)
A really good swimmer.
me: Who?
Jack: His name is Kitfitsto. It doesn’t show their species though. Let me flip through again. (The monologue and flipping continues.)
I definitely hate that freak.
Big head dude
Weird
Awkward
Does she look human?
me: (I glance over my shoulder) Yeah.
Jack: Nope. Alien. Oh here he is! He’s from um a planet called gleeanselm…
me: Oh.
Jack: (Monologue)
This guys a destroyer
Awkward fat dude
Funny guy
Bad
Bad
Good
That’s it…
Oh, here’s the other dude that’s strange!
me: Who?
Jack: Eh, enough interruptions. You don’t want to know…
Sh*t My 6-Year-Old Says (but he's 18 now) 