Jack: Can we do the MacSeuss?
me: Uh, what?
Jack: The MacSeuss, like we did yesterday?
me: I really have no idea what you’re saying.
Jack: (big huff) When I did the massage to you??? MAC-SEUSS!
me: Oh you mean when you were a maseusse!
Jack: What have I been telling you?
me: I thought it was a Dr. Seuss book or something. I don’t know. Sure, let’s play maseusse.
Jack: Okay, you first.
me: Me first as in I get a massage or I massage you?
Jack: Me first of course!
me: Uhhh, you first as in you get a massage first? Help me out here. Use a noun for Pete’s sake.
Jack: I. Get. A. Massage.
me: Ohhh, okay, here you go. (I feel his bony little body under my hands. He giggles a lot and squirms). You have to relax.
Jack: It tickles! Here, let me do you.
me: Be careful. No hurting. (he starts). No bum! Leave that alone.
Jack: How about legs.
me: Sure.
Jack: You know this is 2 dollars right?
me: For you to massage me?
Jack: Yeah. If you massage me again and do a good job, I’ll knock it down to a dollar fifty.
me: Wow what a deal.
Jack: That’s sarcasm.
me: You’re smart.
Jack: That’s sarcasm again. (now we’re cracking up)
me: Okay, so make it a good one if I’m paying you for this. Stop slacking off. I want at least 30 minutes like the professionals give.
Jack: Okay! How long have I been going?
me: 30 seconds.
Jack: Ohhhhh!!! (he flops over in exhaustion) 29 and a half minutes left??? That’s too hard. I’m tired!
me: How about 2 minutes?
Jack: Ok. (renewed vigor, he starts wailing on my back)
me: Ow! Hey!
Jack: That’s how the yoga teacher taught us to do it.
me: How do you remember that? You were in 1st grade!
Jack: You never forget something that feels that good.
me: Touché.
Jack: Huh? Nevermind. Hey, you know what? Isn’t it weird to think of aliens coming down and eating little kittens?
me: ???
Sh*t My 6-Year-Old Says (but he's 18 now) 