When a massage feels like a trip to Disney

Jack: Massage time!

me: Awesome!

Jack: (voraciously clawing at my scalp) How’s this??

me: Oh it’s really good! But could you be a little gentler? I’m missing some clumps of hair…

Jack: (using a fake tour guide voice) Once the massage has started you need to be quiet.

me: Ok ok (I start laughing)

Jack: Now for the bonus massage!

me: (he hooks a corner of my eye with one little finger) Owww! You got my —

Jack: (interrupting in the tour guide voice) Please hold all comments until you have exited the massage. Or else will ignore them. Thank you.

Sigh, maybe I can get a fast pass?


MacSeuss Time!


Jack: Can we do the MacSeuss?

me: Uh, what?

Jack: The MacSeuss, like we did yesterday?

me: I really have no idea what you’re saying.

Jack: (big huff) When I did the massage to you??? MAC-SEUSS!

me: Oh you mean when you were a maseusse!

Jack: What have I been telling you?

me: I thought it was a Dr. Seuss book or something. I don’t know. Sure, let’s play maseusse.

Jack: Okay, you first.

me: Me first as in I get a massage or I massage you?

Jack: Me first of course!

me: Uhhh, you first as in you get a massage first? Help me out here. Use a noun for Pete’s sake.

Jack: I. Get. A. Massage.

me: Ohhh, okay, here you go. (I feel his bony little body under my hands. He giggles a lot and squirms). You have to relax.

Jack: It tickles! Here, let me do you.

me: Be careful. No hurting. (he starts). No bum! Leave that alone.

Jack: How about legs.

me: Sure.

Jack: You know this is 2 dollars right?

me: For you to massage me?

Jack: Yeah. If you massage me again and do a good job, I’ll knock it down to a dollar fifty.

me: Wow what a deal.

Jack: That’s sarcasm.

me: You’re smart.

Jack: That’s sarcasm again. (now we’re cracking up)

me: Okay, so make it a good one if I’m paying you for this. Stop slacking off. I want at least 30 minutes like the professionals give.

Jack: Okay! How long have I been going?

me: 30 seconds.

Jack: Ohhhhh!!! (he flops over in exhaustion) 29 and a half minutes left??? That’s too hard. I’m tired!

me: How about 2 minutes?

Jack: Ok. (renewed vigor, he starts wailing on my back)

me: Ow! Hey!

Jack: That’s how the yoga teacher taught us to do it.

me: How do you remember that? You were in 1st grade!

Jack: You never forget something that feels that good.

me: Touché.

Jack: Huh? Nevermind. Hey, you know what? Isn’t it weird to think of aliens coming down and eating little kittens?

me: ???


Would you call this spoiled?

Jack: Will you rub my back before bed?

me: Of course!

Jack: And my hair?

me: Totally. We can read a story and I’ll give you a little massage.

Jack: Awesome! Can I have a snack in bed??

me: No, this isn’t a day spa…

Jack: You can give me sips of water while you read and massage me. hahahaha!

me: Very funny. Even though you think I’m your slave, I’m not…

Jack: Remember, all moms are slaves.

me: Yeah…pffft…

Jack: Okay so start massaging! How about my feet?

me: Sure. Give me the little hooves…

Jack: Ahhh this is the life. Where’s the story?

me: I can’t massage your feet and hold a book, now can I? I was being a little ambitious. (I massage him for a bit)

Jack: (yawning) Jack getting sleepy.

me: Good. Have a good night sweetie…(I make motions to start leaving)