Wow, so this is what it’s like to sit at a computer and type a blog post. I type 99% of my posts on my phone. Stupid gaming thumb pain… Stupid auto correct… Stupid not enough bells and whistles on the WordPress app… Stupid small screen that I have to turn sideways to see (sometimes…when it’s dark out.. ahem). Now I’m sitting luxuriously (see I wouldn’t use a big word like that on the phone. Too many thumb taps…) LUXURIOUSLY at my desk and typing pretty darn fast. Ha, no mistakes either. Or so I think…
My boy is home from NYC. Took the 1:04 train, or whatever, and got there around 2:30. I had a cheeseburger (hot off the grill) with ketchup, and a hard boiled egg waiting for him. Yep, he inhaled both. I don’t think he gets protein in NYC. Well maybe sometimes, but I knew he’d be starving.
As we drove, I told him about my morning laps around the school track. He grunted as he ate the burger in 3 bites and the egg in 2.
me: I just finished the story. Really?
Jack: Sorry. I wasn’t listening.
me: I SAID I did laps this morning around the track. It’s 1/4 mile and I did 16…so how many miles is that?
Jack: (blank stare)
me: Huh? (he’s super good at math, so this was like duh, easy)
me: Are you even listening to the equation? Each lap, quarter mile. Did 16. A quarter of 16?
Jack: Oh yeah, 4. Anyway I’m just too fast for math. I was already onto something else.
me: If you were too fast, wouldn’t you have at least gotten the right answer?
Jack: I would have to care…
Jack: By the way, you’re looking extra … MUSHY!
He reaches forward to try and grab under my arm, which I now know simply means he loves me.
I’ll take what I can get.
Jack and his friend were in the back seat of my car having a debate on the current methods of math they teach now.
me: Did you do your Xtramath?
Jack: I did two at “friend”‘s house.
me: His computer?
Jack: Yeah. But there’s no point to math so who cares!?
me: When you grow up you use math every day.
Jack: No, I use the toilet every day!
Jack: Here’s a math multiple choice for you…
What is math???
A. Totally boring
B. Completely useless
C. A great place to take a nap
D. All of the above?
Jack’s Friend: Oh oh it’s D. All of the above!
me: You need to learn it for when you guys grow up.
Jack’s Friend: No it’s useless! They teach you the useless kindergarten box counting method. What if there’s a fire and you have to count the number of hoses you need? People will burn if you take out your pencil and start drawing boxes to count!!
me: Well you have a point there…
me: Nice. 5×8?
me: That was fast. 6×8?
me: Do you know them by heart or are you just adding 8 to each answer?
Jack: Sooo…If 7×8 = 56, and then If 8×8 = 64, for the next problem, instead of doing 9×8 = 72 I would take the answer from the last problem 64, but instead of adding 8 I just switch it around to be 68+4. Add em together and get the next answer. Then it’s easier.
me: Wha…?? Easier than what, just adding it?
Jack: if 9×8 is 72 then 10×8 is 72+8 OR 78+2, which is easier for me to do in my head.
me: How about you just memorize them like we all did. So you do the elaborate switching in your head?
Jack: Yeah, I just add the number to the last answer. But I switch it so I’m just adding the low number. Get it?
me: No. Lemme think. I’ve never even thought to do that.
Jack: I didn’t know you were such a dumb butt.
me: Thanks. And you just turned 8 on Friday. (I shake my head.)
And guess what, he’s right. About the math, not about the dumb butt part.
And here are some photos from Jack’s lazer tag birthday party. Can’t believe it’s Sh*t My 8-year-old Says.
Jack: Here, I have a quiz for you.
me: What is it?
Jack: If Matt needs 500 signatures for his petition but only has 318, then how many does he need?
me: Let’s see…318 + 2 is 320 + 80 is…
Jack: I don’t need to hear your work!!
me: Sheesh Jack… So it’s 182? Am I right?
Jack: (scribbling something) I don’t know… I mean, yeah correct!!
me: Heeyyy let me see that. Is that your homework?? Jack…sigh…
Jack: What’s the square root of infinity?
friend: I don’t know.
Jack: Here’s a hint. Does a calculator go up to infinity?
friend: I don’t know.
Jack: Well it doesn’t. So how would you calculate the square root of a number that doesn’t end?
friend: I. Don’t. Know!
Jack: You don’t. So the answer is zero. Ha ha!
friend: Why is it called infinity?
Jack: I don’t know.
friend: Why is a cow called a cow?
Jack: Sigh… Look. I don’t know everything okay! So stop asking questions like that.
Jack: Oh that’s totally one thousand two hundred million.
Friend: That’s not a real number.
Jack: Of course it is. Don’t you know math?
Friend: I know math. I learn it in school. I don’t know if that’s real.
Jack: Oh it’s real alright. You’re just younger than me cuz I’m 7.
Friend: I’m gonna be 7 in 2 months!
Jack: See? You’re waaaayyyy younger than me. It’s okay, you’ll learn math soon. (mildly condescending eh?)
Friend: I learn math now! It’s just a big number that I don’t know.
Jack: Yeah, it’s close to a billion. Like right near that number. Sooo….
Friend: I don’t know. Maybe we should just call it a million.
Jack: (shaking his head with a smirk) Nah…You’ll see when you grow up in 2 months. It’ll all make sense.
Jack: (talking to me from his bubble bath) Mom, what’s 60 divided by an hour?
me: Ummm, I don’t understand the question.
Jack: Take 60…and then DIVIDE…by an…hour…
me: (laughing) Just because you say the same thing slower, it doesn’t mean I’ll understand.
Jack: Eh, it was worth a shot. So what’s the answer? Wait…you don’t have to answer me now. Just think about it and answer me in 14 years.
me: In 14 years. You want an answer. To the question I don’t understand.
Jack: Oh you’ll understand it by then I think.
me: When you’re 20?
Jack: (doing the math in his head) Yeah! I’ll be 20! And there will be some new math out then that will help you.
me: New math?
Jack: And there will be new protein matter then too.
Jack: Yeah. There will be a whole lotta new stuff, so you can use that to figure out the answer. Don’t forget the question, okay?
me: What’s 60 divided by an hour…
Jack; Yeah. I have other questions for you, but that should be enough for now.
me: That one will keep me busy for 14 years, eh?
Jack: Welllll, by then you can probably go back in time and tell yourself the answer right now.
me: I’m getting a headache.
Jack: That’s exactly what you said in the future! (he shakes his head and continues to hold a toy under the water, let it go, and watch it sploosh through the air.)
me: You’re starting to freak me out.
Jack: It’s okay Bubby.