Aw, remember when he was young and cute? And didn’t ask for much. Sigh.
Jack: You owe me $5.00.
me: For what?
Jack: My allowance. You forgot it last week. And this week. So… $10.
me: Wait, didn’t you use your allowance to pay for part of something I bought you last week?
Jack: Oh, and you owe me $20 for helping rake the leaves.
me: But you never finished. AND, I helped you so you didn’t really do all the raking I asked you to do.
Jack: BUT, I was going to do it AND I didn’t ask you to help me, AND you decided on your own to help AND we agreed it was $20. Can I have it now?
me: Go brush your teeth.
Well, “awesome” isn’t exactly the word that a Mom would use to describe her sarcastic and comedic son’s retorts, but hey, they sometimes make me laugh…just before he gets punished.
Here are some of the choice one-liners that I’ve heard fairly recently:
10. me: Ugh! Your shoes are all muddy and gross! Jack: You’re all muddy and gross.
9. Travel back in time to 1953, when you were in 4th grade.
8. Why are you all mushy… I mean soft…wait, no, I mean mushy…
7. Waaaahhh, Waahahhhahahaha, WAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! (stops crying) Heyyyyy are you watching TV without me??!!!
6. In time outs, I don’t think about what I did wrong, I think about everything else in the world but that. Or nothing.
5. I can teach you how to play this game, but wait… hold on, you don’t know what you’re doing so give me that and I’ll just do it for you!
4. This was officially the worst dinner ever. No offense. You’re a really good cook. Usually.
3. So wait, before you say no, just listen, I have a really good thing I’m about to ask you okay?
2. Writing punishments do not make me learn from my mistakes, they just make me want to do it again.
And the number one most-awesome one liner…? Think fuzzy math, or Abbott and Costello.
1. So Mom, I have about $7 in my bank upstairs, plus the $10 that you should have in your wallet from when I had you hold my money…you still have that right…so that’s $17 and if the Lego set is $20 then I only need $3, but since you haven’t paid me my allowance in a couple of weeks, then you owe me $4 from last week, so I’ll be one dollar over and then when you give me the week before’s allowance, that will make me $5 over so technically you owe me the Lego set plus 5 bucks.
Jack: I was really really good today right?
me: You were. I was really proud of you.
Jack: (Bambi eyes)
me: Why don’t we go to the store and I’ll let you pick something out?
Jack: Yayyy! Wait. What’s my spending limit?
me: I don’t know. 5 bucks?
Jack: 5 bucks??!! I can’t even get a little lego guy for that! How about 20?
me: We’ll see. I’m hovering around 10.
Jack: What if I want to spend more than that?
me: You’ll have to use your own money.
Jack: My allowance?
me: Or from your bank.
Jack: Well, since I don’t have anything to do with my bank money these days, I’ll spend whatever I have to for that Lego set.
(…after I stopped laughing…)
me: Um, not really. We’re ok.
Jack: Why can’t we be rich?
me: I’d have to earn a lot more money. Right now I only make so much and we use that to pay bills and buy food and stuff.
Jack: So go and make more. I want a mansion with an indoor pool and bowling alley!!
Jack: (said this as he ran through the kitchen) Mom! How’s your IRA doing??? I hope it’s well funded!!!!