Sh*t My 6-Year-Old Says (but he's 18 now)
I started this blog when Jack was only 5 years old! And, still, I can't make this sh*t up!
me: (talking to Jack on the phone) Whatcha doin?
Jack: Playing.
me: Like a game, or what?
Jack: No. Just playing.
me: With toys or cars?
Jack: No not really.
me: Made up game?
Jack: I’m not really sure, I’m just playing.
me: …are you holding anything?
Jack: No. Can I call you back? I’m about to do something really interesting!
me: Let’s hit the road.
Jack: To where??
me: Anywhere. Park? Playground? Movies? What do you want to do?
Jack: I don’t care as long as I can bring my nerf guns. Can you drive the getaway car?
me: Sure, but just don’t go pointing that at any other cars. We don’t want to get in trouble.
Jack: Anyone can see that this is orange and yellow…NOT real!
me: I know, but let’s not push it okay?
So we head out to the movies, The Lorax (pretty good!), and then the nature center (closed) and then the playground behind the nature center (deserted of all kids on this beautiful day). Jack has his old super-soaker gun in hand, minus the big water tank because “it doesn’t look cool if it’s not full of water mom”.
me: Taking your gun on the slide?
Jack: You never know when the AT-ATs or Count Dooku will show up… (he looks around panicked)
me: Let’s take a walk around this path. Go ahead. Bring the gun. (We walk around the quarter-mile mowed path that meanders around the property of the nature center.)
Jack: Okay let’s go back to the base.
me: Base?
Jack: (harsh whisper) Rock Wall!
me: Oh. Gotcha. Well, what a nice day, eh? Warm sun, no litter, not too windy.
Jack: (looking down at his shadow) And the shadow of my gun looks GREAT…
me: Yes, the gun. Marvelous!
Jack: Okay I’ll toss the gun to you if I see any bad guys! (he plays for awhile and then we take a break on the bench)
me: Ahhh, a warm bench, this tiny pine cone and my little boy. Not a bad day.
Jack: Carrot Mark… your “cute” little boy.
me: Don’t edit my moments please.
Jack: Sometimes I just have to.
These are the things that I had to pick up off the floor this morning:
• TV tray that was disassembled
• Small dental mirror
• Claw grabber hand
• Arm sling
• Tae Kwon Do kicking paddle
• 2 USB cords
• Old phone with push-button dialing
• Light saber
• Piece of cardboard with TV screen cutout
• Nerf gun
• Small robot
me: Jack, what did you do with all of those things on the floor?
Jack: I made a ship. That’s how it WAS!
me: What was?
Jack: That’s how it came. The tray.
me: I mean ALL of the things.
Jack: Like you know, on second thought never mind. It’s too complicated to explain.
Jack: Mom, can we meet each other tonight in our dreams and play all night?
me: Good idea! Let’s try it!
Jack: I don’t know how to actually DO it though…
me: Okay, I’ll come find you and tap you on the arm. If it’s the middle of the night, then you’ll know it’s a dream right?
Jack: Ha ha! Yeah, you get me then we can go and play. I want to go to the bowling alley.
me: I think they’ll be closed.
Jack: Mom…the DREAM bowling alley will be open.
me: Oh yeah! Didn’t really think about that. (I tap him on the arm)
Jack: What?
me: This is a dream and I’m waking you up to come play with me.
Jack: (puzzled look on his face) Huh? No it isn’t a dream yet!
me: How do you know you’re not sleeping right now?
Jack: (punches me in the arm)
me: OW!!! Hey!!
Jack: Ha ha ha! See? In a dream it wouldn’t hurt.
me: We’ll just see about that…
Sh*t My 6-Year-Old Says (but he's 18 now) 