Sh*t My 6-Year-Old Says (but he's 18 now)
I started this blog when Jack was only 5 years old! And, still, I can't make this sh*t up!
I don’t even think they’re conversations… 😱😱😱
I naturally text with Jack a lot more these days than I used to. 1. Because he will answer texts, usually. And 2. I’m tired of going up and down the stairs to talk to him. 😂
But seriously, do you text with your teen to get them to do things like chores or get ready for bed? Sometimes I have to, and sometimes I wonder who is answering me and what it means!!
What the heck does this even mean?
Jack: (jumps into the car, throws his backpack across the seat) Got a snack? I’m HUNGRY!!
me: How about hello?
Jack: Listen, I’m hungry and I want a snack NOW! Got it?
me: Ha…that’s gonna get you real far. Manners? Saying please? And lose the tone!
Jack: Well what do you expect when you have a 7-YEAR-OLD BOY?? And I am stressing the word “BOY”!
me: I’m stressing that word also.
Jack: (stops his rant) Heyyyyy! I’m detecting SARCASM!
Jack is spending Father’s Day with Dennis…well the whole weekend that is…so I’ve been on my own. I drove to Mass to visit my Dad and family and it seems like all we’ve done is eat. Ugh!!!
It’s been so quiet without Jack and I actually freaked myself out on Saturday morning when I thought he was “missing”. The cats woke me up at 5am for food Grrrrr!! After I fed them I thought I heard jack walking upstairs. I was like Oh no, why is he up so early???
I started up the stairs and noticed that his door was open so I was confused because his light wasn’t on and his noise machine (air purifier) was off. When I got all the way up and saw that his room was empty and he wasn’t in the bathroom…I freaked out for about 5 seconds, as only a mom can do. Holy crap. My mind really played a trick on me, and I’m still slightly jittery when I’m home alone. My divorce was final on Tuesday so it really is a new feeling. Strange eh!
With that said I’ll leave you with a snippet of our phone call this morning. Dennis was taking Jack to a friend’s birthday party. So precious.
Jack: Hi Mom.
me: Hi sweetie! Whatcha doing?
Jack: we went to (mumble mumble)
me: Oh I didn’t quite hear that…
Jack: Mumble Mumble!!
me: uhhh…still no…
Jack: What’s the address to the party?
me: Ohhh! I couldn’t hear you. Well I’m on a hike with your uncles right now so I don’t have the invitation. I emailed it to Daddy…
Jack: We’re driving! Helloooo!
me: Hey watch that tone! Put Daddy on…
Jack: He’s driving I said! That’s illegal!
me: Well you’ll just have to…
(click)
They hung up. Awesome right???
me: Did the bug spray work?
Jack: I don’t know.
me: (Sigh) Are the bugs all in your face?
Jack: No, but you are.
Back to the post about duh. I can’t tell you how many times I hear that phrase now. Duhhhh. DUH! You are so DUHhhhhhh! Stop being duh. It makes me absolutely crazy. It’s now one of the words that gets Jack in trouble. I think I said it for at least 17 years growing up. But now it just aggravates that crap out of me. Doesn’t he get that already?? Duhhhhh…!!!
Jack: Can I watch a video?
me: It’s time for dinner in a few minutes…
Jack: But it’s not dinner right now so I can watch right? Duhhhh!
me: Stop saying DUH.
Jack: You just said it so why don’t you stop saying it to me?
me: (warning look and tone) Jack, I don’t like it. It’s rude. So stop saying it.
Jack: YOU DON’T HAVE TO YELL!
me: I didn’t even raise my voice. You’re actually yelling. So stop that also.
Jack: Duhhh, you made me yell.
me: That’s two warnings for Duh. One more and no video at all.
Jack: But you just said it to ME!!!!
me: Can you please stop talking back. Just listen the first time.
Jack: Yeah if you stop yelling at me. Du…(he catches himself)
me: What’s that? Got something to add?
Jack: If you trick me into saying DUH to you then it’s not really my fault if I say DUH, because I didn’t mean it and I’m not saying DUH anymore so can I still watch a video?
me: Nice way to say it 3 times. It’s time for dinner.
Jack: Why didn’t you tell me that?? DUHHHH!!!
me: Sigh…
It’s Jack’s world and I’m just living in it…
Wow that year flew by, eh? Tomorrow I’m supposed to unveil the sh*t my 7-year-old says header, but please don’t hold me to it. I’m working on it I swear, but I’ve been kinda…busy…
Jack’s last meal as a 6-year-old was of course typical Jack style, 2 sushi rolls (eel & yellowtail) followed by vanilla ice cream. With a candle on top. Thanks to my friend Paul at Dao’s restaurant. Yummmmm! The food, not Paul.
Jack: I just want to let you know how rude you’ve been to me the last 6 years of my life. It’s really been stressful.
me: What???
Jack: I’ve been meaning to tell you.
me: I’ve been rude. To you. For 6 years. Really.
Jack: And sarcastic.
me: Okay fine, sarcastic I’ll give you. How am I rude exactly?
Jack: You tell me I can’t play on the computer a lot and then when I ask nicely you’re all NOOOOOOOO… and stuff like that.
me: You haven’t played on the computer for 6 years. What else ya got?
Jack: Sigh…If I’m on “ready to learn” at school and it’s a very good day you yell at me when I get off the bus or something stupid like that.
me: Don’t use that word please.
Jack: See? It’s all stu—…sorry…
me: You still have to follow my rules. No bad language, no rude behavior, no acting up, and all that. Otherwise yes I will take away computer time.
Jack: This is gonna happen for the next 7 years, I just know it.
me: Well, we’re here. If I’m that rude, maybe we should just go have dinner at home.
Jack: No! I’m just kidding! You’re the best mom! Not rude at all!
me: Nice try. I’m gonna remember that little story. Let’s go in.
Jack: Does this mean I can’t use the computer tomorrow?
And, that was my last meaningful conversation with Jack as a 6-year-old. Thinking back though…for the last 6 birthdays Jack has been EXTREMELY moody and irritable. His 1st birthday was a nightmare because he was alternating between cranky, miserable, crying and then stoic…just watching us intently. Maybe he sensed all the pressure of growing up, even at that young age? I don’t know, but for every single birthday since, he’s gone through some sort of mood shift where he is extra sensitive and touchy to just about everything.
I don’t have the heart to tell him we forgot to do his homework and he’ll have to do it in the morning instead of playing on the computer for 10 minutes. I think I’m gonna have to be rude mom again. I may need backup.
Jack: Can I use your iPad? I want to play Angry Birds.
me: I left it at work.
Jack: What about your computer?
me: No, you played shooting games after I said you couldn’t. You’re banned.
Jack: Sighh…Can I bring my DS on the bus today then?
me: No, that’s not for school, that’s for home.
Jack: Sheesh, can I at least watch Sponge Bob on Netflix while you dry your hair?
me: (pausing…) Sure.
Jack: A “show” or an “episode”?
me: One show. 8 minutes. Then off.
Jack: (8 minutes later) It’s off! Can I see your phone now??
me: GEEZ Jack, can you please play with a toy or something. I don’t want you playing games on my phone!
Jack: Hello Mrs. Rude. I was gonna call DAD???
me: Oh.
Jack: Mom, can they remove my brain and put it in a jar of water and show it to me every morning?
me: (choking on my dinner) WHAA—TTTT?
Jack: Or just remove the rude particle so I don’t act rude anymore?
me: Do you think you were rude earlier?
Jack: (hanging his head) Yeah…
me: And how did dinner turn out after all that freaking out?
Jack: It’s really good! Can I have some more?
me: Sure. But I don’t think you need a rude particle removed…just chill out and things usually work out fine, ok? We always end up right here with you being happy after you eat. No need to be on the floor crying over dinner.
Jack: I thought I wouldn’t like it…(he starts shoveling in pasta with broccoli and chicken). This macaroni is so good it feels like I’m digging into a Big Mac!!
me: You’ve never eaten a Big Mac.
Jack: Well I heard that they are GREEEAAAATTT!
(And just because…interesting article! http://www.therudeguy.com/?p=632)
Jack: Do you know that girl we saw at the library?
me: Yeahhh…?
Jack: Well… you know…
me: List?
Jack: Nooooo! Well yeah.
me: She’s like 20.
Jack: What’s that got to do with anything?
——————–
Jack: Can we listen to Na na na na?
me: I kind of have a headache, plus it’s foggy out.
Jack: What’s that have to do with anything?
me: It means I can’t concentrate.
Jack: Can I listen to Another One Bites the Dust?
me: Ugh, shush. Just let me drive for a minute. I can’t see anything.
Jack: It’s spooky out!
me: Yeah…
Jack: (now off on a mission in his head, he starts shouting) Roger that! 10-9-8-7…!
me: Heyyy, keep it down a bit okay?
Jack: But if I keep it down then the mission will fail!!!
me: Just…sigh…quieter. You’re yelling.
Jack: WhatEVER!
me: Hey, stop with the loudness!
Jack: I’m not being loud. Now I’m being rude!
——————–
Jack: Hey why did you turn that corner so fast??
me: It wasn’t that fast. Stuff normally falls off the seat …
Jack: I’m gonna tell Dad that you drive like a lunatic.
me: Yeah, try it.
Jack: Geez. Way to threaten your own kid without threatening him.
Most were reprimanded, some were not because I was laughing too hard.
8. Move it you glandular freak. (I will blame Calvin and Hobbes for all smart sounding rudeness)
7. Oh no, I’m not falling for your explanation for anything today, so don’t even try it!
6. I know you said if I asked if I could watch Sponge Bob one more time I would lose a sticker on my chart, but this isn’t technically asking because I’m TELLING YOU THAT I’M GOING TO WATCH IT…OKAY?
5. I just realized that I wore my pajamas to school. But it’s okay, no one noticed.
4. It’s clearly quite rude of you to force your own son to eat salmon when you know he hates it and only eats it raw. (said while glowering at me at the dinner table)
3. Mom! Joe dragged me across the room by my feet and no one cared and you didn’t even try to help me. (pause) And NO I didn’t ask for it, he just DID it because he’s bigger than me!!
2. A tiny tear trickled out of his eye when his mother would not let him watch any more Netflix. (Jack sort of said this with a British accent and then traced one finger down from his eye like a tear, which made me almost pee in my pants laughing.
1. Are your maladjusted tendencies a product of your berserk pituitary gland? (again, Calvin I thank you..)
Sh*t My 6-Year-Old Says (but he's 18 now) 