I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up.

Posts tagged “school

Soooo Bored!

me: Let me read your homework before you submit it, okay? (Google docs is the site of choice in 6th grade).

Jack: Yeah, ok here it is.. (he pulls up a question and answer sheet for Science)

me: Good answers Jack. Wait, for this one, instead of saying you found it boring… here when you answered “What did I like least about this assignment”… (he wrote, “It was boring when I had to … ” something or other about the project), I think you might want to say “I found it tedious” or something.

Jack: Okay.

me: Instead of sounding like a dumb 11-year old all “I’m bored”, and “That’s Boring”, you can use a bigger word and sound smarter. Kay?

Jack: Okay. There done. (he submits the paper again online)

me: So, for the record, you know what “tedious” means, right? In case they ask?

Jack: Yeah, it means it was boring.

me: Sigh.


Itchy and Scratchy

Could you even guess that I’m sitting on the couch eating smoked chicken, watching Breaking Bad (the pilot, I’m a little behind on TV), with my hair in a bun looking around at my stripped clean house.

Ever have a head lice infestation? Well let’s hope your little kiddies don’t come home with it.

Lets just say I had a hunch. Jack and I played catch after school. I decided to go through his hair. I don’t know why. I saw a few white dots. Not many. Then one little louse. I pinched it out of his hair. I couldn’t be sure so I looked again and found 2 more. Bleh. You never seen anyone drive so fast to the pharmacy.

Jack: Ohhh is this badddd??!

me: It’s not good but it’s ok. Don’t worry…

Jack: Does it hurt???

me: Lice? No. Do you feel pain?

Jack: Ohhh I feel itchy!! Drive faster!

me: Relax. We will get the lice kit and shampoo you up and be all set.

Jack: Hurry!!

me: Here we are. Lets just look for the lice section.

Jack: You’re stalling!!! Will the lice die??

me: Yes.

Jack: Will they come back???

me: Maybe… (I’m trying to read lice boxes and answer his questions.)

Jack: Whaaaatt??!! Will I need a SHOT!!!???

me: Oh for Pete’s sake calm down. I’m trying to read these. No you won’t need a shot. Sheesh.

(By the way, I think I like this show. Even though it has the perverted dentist from Seinfeld in it ha ha. He’s pretty good!)

Anyway, I did the shampoo on Jack and was then forced to admit to myself that my head had been a little itchy for a bit. Ugh! I then treated myself to a lovely medicinal head wash. Then Jack and I got a great gel rub with a nit combing to follow. And thennnnn… I got to strip every stitch of bedding clothing rugs stuffed animals baseball hats couch cushions cat beds etc etc etc and either wash and dry them in hot, vacuum them, clean them with rubbing alcohol or stuff then into plastic bags only to be opened in 4 weeks time. I could have an open house tomorrow this place is so clean!

Jack: Can I tell people I have head lice?

me: I wouldn’t exactly be bragging about it ok? Just go to school like normal. The nurse says its ok.

Jack: Awww…

So now I’m on to episode 2 as the hot water replenishes for the next load of laundry and I wait for the dryer to end. I hope that this is our first and last lice experience!

Any guess as to why he’s hurt?


Perhaps because he’s a giant 8-year-old trying to fit into a baby shopping cart?


Jack: Guess what? “Friend” totally eats stuff off the cafeteria floor at school.

me: Ew, come on Jack, no way..,

Jack: He totally does! One time he found a cookie under the table and he picked it up and ate it!

me: I hope you don’t do any gross things like that?

Jack: It wasn’t even in a wrapper. And it had a bite taken out of it.

me: Sigh.

Sh*t a 3rd Grader Says

Jack: (showing me a long hair he just pulled from somewhere) Ewwwww, I think this just came from my neck!

me: That’s one of my hairs.

Jack: Oh, I knew I was too young to start shaving.


me: How was the 3rd day of school?

Jack: Oh, I got yelled at by the principal for stealing the ketchup at lunch.

me: Sigh.

Jack: I didn’t really steal it. There’s one bottle for everyone to share and I got tired of getting up and down so I just brought it to my table.

me: Sigh.

Jack: He’s fine with it now. Don’t worry.


Jack: My teacher is SO mean!

me: You said she was nice. What happened?

Jack: I got to know her, that’s what.


Jack: Uh, can I have a little privacy here?

me: While you put your shorts on?

Jack: Yeah, you don’t have to look at my privates you know.

me: I made those privates.

Jack: That doesn’t mean you own them your whole life!


Jack: Can I please please please get this toy and I promise I will listen and not give you any trouble for the rest of the week.

me: Sorry honey, I don’t have enough money for that toy.

Jack: Go to the bank and get some.

me: The bank only has money for me if I put money into it.

Jack: Huh?? The bank does NOT ever run out of money!!! It’s a BANK!!!

Apology Letter

Really? The 2nd to last day of school? The day before, Jack came home and told me he moved up to “Great Day” on his chart. I couldn’t have been prouder. I was so happy that the year was going to end on a good note. Until I went to pick Jack up at school today. They had a half day. His teacher stopped me in the hallway to give me the lowdown. Jack hung his head. I looked at him like he had 2 heads. He really knew better than to do this. I mean…really? With a BAGEL??


Just another day at the mountain


Not enough arm strength to type. But this means that I’m back to regular posting! Aren’t you happy? Wait…are you asking why? Well let me tell you.

I just finished 2 days of Tough Mudder. Yes 2. Because 1 is for sissies? No. I guess because I’m crazy. I did day one with my personal team. And day two with my work team. There was no getting out of either of those events. So I did what anyone else would do. I trained like a mo-fo and hoped for the best. I’m broken, beaten and scarred, but still standing. And I had so much fun (like last year) that I’m sure I’ll do it again next year. Maybe just one though.

Here’s my official “finisher” badge. I got two. hee hee!

Because I’ve been training, and working, and handling my personal consulting at night, and raising Jack, and working on a divorce, and and and…you know…blogging just had to taper off a bit on the priority list.

Jack spent the 3 days at Grandma’s and had so much fun that he was sad to go. I’m glad he wasn’t missing me. Though he did his usual “punishment” of Mommy, which means have a brutal temper tantrum over nothing and freak out completely. Then eat dinner and all is well. Sigh.

me: Hey, let’s take a look at your homework.

Jack: I don’t have any.

me: No? Okay what’s that paper then?

Jack: That’s a list of things for teacher appreciation week. We have to do something every day this week.

me: We missed the flower today because we were away.

Jack: I was the only one that didn’t bring a flower.

me: We’ll make up for it tomorrow ok?

Jack: Ok. What else do we do this week? (he grabbed the paper and started reading)

me: I don’t know, I think we give money one day for a manicure, then candy another day… Do you think all your friends will follow the sheet and do all the teacher stuff?

Jack: Mom. Kids barely read the stuff that they have to. They’re not gonna read all this grown-up paperwork! (said as he continues to read the grown-up paperwork)

me: Oh, forgive me.

Jack: We have to remember to turn in that teacher questionnaire on Wednesday. Don’t forget.

(says the child to the parent)

Bambi Eyes and Butter Churn


(I know, it’s been awhile, sheesh, I’m trying! And this is an older photo. I never have my camera when Jack does real Bambi Eyes these days!)


So, what have we been up to? A lot. More than you would care to hear about. I could go on for days about what I’ve been doing. But, eh, it’s not a blog about me is it?

Let’s talk about Jack. Jack has had EXCELLENT behavior in school this week. So much so that I was unprepared for just how giddy and excited that would make me. Giddy I tell you! He’s extremely proud of himself too, coming off of a few rough weeks, so he’s really been feeling good. Yay!

Jack: Mom, can I watch a video AND get a book at Linda’s Story Time?

me: When you’re that good you can have anything you want. Definitely. See how this works?

Jack: And I don’t even have to give you Bambi eyes.

me: What?

Jack: (whimpers and fans his eyelashes at me with big eyes) Like this!

me: Wow, that is super cute.

Jack: I know. I only do it when I have to.

me: Yeah you gotta save up with that. You don’t want to use all the Bambi eyes at once. It’s more powerful once in awhile.

Jack: (rubs my leg) Wow you are so smooth just like a butter churn.

me: A churn? Okay thanks. You know churns are usually rough….heyyyy…

Jack: (smiles)

me: Are you complimenting me or what?

Jack: Whatever you want it to be! (he runs to turn on the video.)

Did he just zing me?