Sh*t a 3rd Grader Says

Jack: (showing me a long hair he just pulled from somewhere) Ewwwww, I think this just came from my neck!

me: That’s one of my hairs.

Jack: Oh, I knew I was too young to start shaving.


me: How was the 3rd day of school?

Jack: Oh, I got yelled at by the principal for stealing the ketchup at lunch.

me: Sigh.

Jack: I didn’t really steal it. There’s one bottle for everyone to share and I got tired of getting up and down so I just brought it to my table.

me: Sigh.

Jack: He’s fine with it now. Don’t worry.


Jack: My teacher is SO mean!

me: You said she was nice. What happened?

Jack: I got to know her, that’s what.


Jack: Uh, can I have a little privacy here?

me: While you put your shorts on?

Jack: Yeah, you don’t have to look at my privates you know.

me: I made those privates.

Jack: That doesn’t mean you own them your whole life!


Jack: Can I please please please get this toy and I promise I will listen and not give you any trouble for the rest of the week.

me: Sorry honey, I don’t have enough money for that toy.

Jack: Go to the bank and get some.

me: The bank only has money for me if I put money into it.

Jack: Huh?? The bank does NOT ever run out of money!!! It’s a BANK!!!