I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up.

Posts tagged “singing

Non-sequitur Mother’s Day

Jack: (singing in the car)
Do you like my sword sword
Sword my diamond sword sword
You cannot afford ford
Ford my diamond sword sword
Even if you could I have a patent
You cannot make a sword exactly like mine!!

me: Where did —

Jack: (interrupts me) Oh MAN look at all those satellite dishes!!!!!!!!!’

me: Sigh…

I hope your Mother’s Day makes a bit more sense!

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99 bottles of rudeness…

Even if you take one down and pass it around, you’ll have 98 more bottles of rudeness to swallow. According to Jack.

Jack: What’s that song that everyone sings and you count down stuff?

me: 99 bottles of beer?

Jack: I guess. Why is it beer?

me: I don’t know. That’s how I learned it.

Jack: Then you take one down and pass it around. Why? You all share it?

me: I don’t know. I never really thought about it. It’s just a fun song. You sing it. That’s all.

Jack: They all fit on the wall?

me: Let it go.

Jack: (singing) 99 bottles of mom’s rudeness in the kitchen…

me: Sigh. Come here, you’re gonna get a spanking. (I’m joking of course, but Jack loves to get “spanked”)

Jack: (running back in) Okay!

me: Lay on my lap. You’re gonna get it! 30 whacks! One for each day of the month!

Jack: Oh yeah, this is gonna be good. (I start spanking and he’s cracking up) Spank me more! No not that cheek. The other one has more resistance!

me: You’re weird. Just like your Uncle John. He liked to be tied up when he was 7. Ha ha!

Jack: Well I have some rope in the basement. Tie me to the closet door and force me to answer questions!

me: Nah…I’m thinking no…

Jack: Then can I do a Jedi mind trick on you? You will let me have another piece of chocolate.

me: No.

Jack: No? Rats. Gotta change my strategy. Boy, those pants give you a giant wedgie…

me: Oh really? Where’s that rope again?


So now when it rains I have to sleep with one eye open?

Jack: Rain, Rain, Go Away, Come again some other day!

me: Wow it’s pouring out!

Jack: Hurry up and open the car door I’m getting soaked!

me: Stop pulling the handle while I click it Jack!

Jack: Hurry!

me: Stop!

Jack: Sheesh, can’t you ever get that right?

me: Me?? Have some patience, okay? I can’t believe it’s this cold AND raining. Ugh…

Jack: (singing) It’s raining it’s pouring, the old man is snoring, he went to bed and he killed his mom and she didn’t get up in the morning.

me: Huh?

Jack: Nothing.

me: Did you say something naughty?

Jack: Nope.

me: Because I definitely heard something.

Jack: Sorry.


Why so patriotic all of a sudden??

Jack: I almost have it!

me: What’s that?

Jack: The Star Spangled Banner words!

me: Wow, you’ve been practicing all this time??

Jack: Yeah I think it’s something we have to know in 2nd grade.

me: I’m not so sure about that. It’s a hard song.

Jack: Oh we definitely have to learn it. Can you sing it with me?

(we belt out our best version, slipping into operatic falsetto for the high parts…we’re funny like that)

me: The middle part is hard.

Jack: No it isn’t.

me: But you don’t know it yet, that’s all I mean.

Jack: I do know it! It says “Through the pear all us fright. Or the ramps that we walked…”

me: (stifling a laugh) Pretty good, but we still need a little practice I think.

Jack: Why don’t you practice and then write down all the words for me okay?

 


The good, the bad, and the Rapper’s Delight

(My post from last night, which was rotting here in my WordPress drafts…sigh…)

Yesterday was an excellent day. The weather was great, Jack had a most amazing day at school (his 5th in a row for those of us that are counting, yay!), and I had a very relaxing time NOT going to work. Can’t beat it with a stick.

We had a great afternoon as well. Jack was able to watch some of the tamer Looney Tunes that I have on DVD. (some are just evil, you know which ones I mean). He was in Heaven. We even compromised: Watch a few videos, then homework, then another video, then read while I make dinner, then eat, bath, then my TKD class (which Jack now has to attend with me). Then bed. Jack was an amazing helper with the dishes, cleaning up his toys, getting dressed, etc. I was just floating around on a cloud of bliss. Until I started to sing. (you would think I’d have learned by now)

me: Said a hip hop a hibby to the hibby… (see 4:21)

Jack: (in the bath) What did you say?

me: Oh that’s just an old song from like the 80’s (1979 gasp!).

Jack: Sing it louder!

me: (all the encouragement I need of course) Okay, here goes… (and I busted out my best Rapper’s Delight verse super fast to impress my young and impressionable audience)

Jack: I want to learn it!

me: (warning bells) Ummm, it takes a LONG time to learn something like that.

Jack: I WANT TO LEARN IT NOW!!!!!!!

me: Stop screaming! Okay, we’ll break it into two parts. Here’s the first part… (I sing it slowly)

Jack: Said a hop hop…WAIT YOU’RE GOING TOO FAST!!!

me: Slow down. Think like a bunny. Hip Hop.

Jack: (climbing out of the tub) Said a hip hop hoppy. WHAT IS THE REST OF ITTTTTT!!!

me: This isn’t working Jack.

Jack: Record it on my recording pen!!! Get me a TOWEL!!

me: I said stop yelling. Ask nicely please! (I proceed to use his voice changing pen to sing the entire verse and now Jack can spin the dial and make me sing like a chipmunk or like the devil. His choice.)  Here you go, practice on your own.

Jack: Fine! I will!

Jack proceeded to try and teach himself this song in 10 minutes. It took me two years to get the lyrics down. I heard him screaming and crying and pushing the damn button on the pen over and over, my poor little white boy. He was rapping. I left the bathroom because I couldn’t stand it anymore. No one should force themselves to learn something in 5 goddamned minutes. But that’s my boy. Remember this?

(A few minutes later…)

Jack: I got it! I got it! (he runs out in his underwear) Listen!! Said a hip hop a hibby to the hibby the hip hip a hop you don’t stop a rockin to the bang bang boogie said up jump the boogie to the rhythm of the boogedy beat!

me: (stunned) Wow.

Jack: I did it! Ha ha!!!

me: I’m amazed Jack. Was it worth all the fuss though? You were freaking out in there, and it was a little bit upsetting to see you like that. It took me months and months to learn that.

Jack: Yeah, but it only took me a few minutes. Now I feel better. (he tosses the pen at me and walks away all smug)

I can only imagine what type of adult Jack will grow up to be. He’ll probably rule the world.


Sing it for the world

Jack has my old iPod Shuffle. He loves it. I’ve given him the tamer range of my music, and then policed those songs for bad words. But sometimes things slip through the cracks.

Jack: (in the backseat, headphones on) …gettin so damn creepy just nursin this ghost of a chance… mumble mumble … technicolor jeans… black and white people…

me: Matchbox 20?

Jack: What?

me: Turn it down. I said…Matchbox 20 song?

Jack: Black and white people.

me: It’s “technicolor dreams” not jeans.

Jack: Whatever.

Jack: (seems to only sing this part out loud over and over) …gettin so damn creepy just nursin this ghost of a chance… mumble mumble … technicolor jeans… black and white people…

me: Dreams!

Jack: (ignores me) Mom, this other Green Day song just starts with “FUH!” What’s that mean?

me: (????!!!!)

I’ll have to look into that one and see what I missed. I already know Boulevard of Broken Dreams has the F-word in it, and Jack’s favorite Billy Joel song, the Entertainer, says “laid all kinds of girls”. Sooooo. Yeah. Luckily he thinks it says “played all kinds of girls”. For now.