Did you ever have one of those mornings where when you finally get in the car, you wonder what the hell just happened? I’m sure you have. It’s like it all happened so fast and so many things all in the span of about 45 minutes? Is that it? I mean it felt like I don’t know, 3 hours or something, but when I look back it was really just 45 minutes.
So, if there was ever a question of whether or not women should be allowed to fight in real wars, I think we’ve proven that we do that every damn day! Not that I condone wars of course.
The list of what really happened:
1. We overslept. I know my alarm was set, and I know this is a school vacation week, but we did have to get to camp by a certain time and we were just running a bit late today.
Jack: Aaaarrrgghhh! You never set the alarm and now we’re going to be late oh my God it’s the worst day ever I have no time for anything!
2. I had a very intense personal call that I HAD to take.
Jack: Oh and by the way, I know who you were talking to, and I heard the entire thing, so if you’re trying for privacy you might want to go somewhere else!
3. I was trying to get ready as fast as I could, and asked Jack to make himself some cereal to make the morning go a bit faster, but he insisted that we had to only communicate via walkie-talkie.
Jack: Mom, push the button! I can’t hear you!
me: Gah! I said (remembering to push the little button!) that you have to get a water bottle and your soccer ball as soon as you’re done eating!
Jack: Oh my volume was turned down so I didn’t hear any of that. What?????
4. I went in the kitchen and made Jack some egg whites to go with his cereal and then we heard the yowling coming from the living room.
Jack: Mom! Bella is going to barf! All over the rug!
I grabbed some paper towels and ran to chase her around the house until she finally yakked her guts up … Thankfully quite nicely into the paper towel! Yay! As I turned away I could hear her start again but yes I caught that one too. A nice warm blob of barf in paper towel all for me. How appetizing.
(Mind you my hair is still in a towel, I have no makeup on, and I’m still wearing my pajamas, at this point)
5. Next I got ready as fast as I could remembering to give Jack his allergy spray, two inhalers and to have him brush and fix his hair. So many details!
Jack: I’m not doing this inhaler because I feel better.
me: You feel better because you’re using that inhaler. Do it please.
Jack: if I needed it I would do it.
me: This is why we’re late… All the arguing.
Jack: Mom you forgot to push the button! (Yes we’re still only talking via walkie talkie)
6. I asked Jack to try on my old indoor soccer shoes since this was a turf field we were going to.
Jack: They fit perfectly!
me: Ah sweet bliss something is going right. (I mistakenly walk out of the room to brush my teeth)
Jack: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHGGGG! THERE’S A STUPID THING IN THIS SHOE THAT FEELS WEIRD!
me: Oh geez Jack just push it down it’s fine.
Jack: NOOOOO IT WONT GO DOWN I’M NOT WEARING THESE AND I CANT GET THEM OFF!!!
me:They’re all knotted now sheesh!
7. Jack puts on his old rotten sneakers. I race around trying to get two items boxed up that I sold on poshmark. Gotta keep that 1 day shipping average going! I grab a protein drink from the fridge as Jack gets in the car. I hear the other worldly shriek of someone who just got stabbed.
Jack: AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH I THINK I CUT MY FINGER OFF!!!!!! Wwwwaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
(He comes running into the house from the garage with part of his thumb hanging off.) I’ll spare you the details of me trying to wash and put band aids on a cut of that magnitude. Everything I did was wrong or too slow or hurt or etc etc etc. “sob”. I glanced at the clock. We were late for camp and I was late for work).
8. Yes it goes on! We get to the field with Jack trying to control the pain and his tears.
Jack: I can’t go out there looking like this!
me: Wipe your face. Get your coat and your goggles.
Jack: I’M NOT WEARING A COAT OR GOGGLES ITS JUST CAMP!
me: Not debatable.
(Jack hops out of the car with no coat. After I sign him in and the wind rips through his body he runs back to the car for his coat.)
Now I get to drive away and go to work for a break. Wait, I have to leave work in 2.5 hours to pick him up! I start to cry….Wahhhhhh!
I picked Jack up at noon. His team was wining the scrimmage, he had made new friends and it had warmed up outside. He was happy and talkative and tired. Whew. It all worked out.
Jack: You forgot to pack a snack. Everyone had one except for me.
Jack: Can I go to InSports camp again in the summer?
me: I think so.
Jack: They have the best food.
me: That’s what you’re thinking about right now? Haha…
Jack: This one kid once ate 6 tacos for lunch!
me: They let him eat all that?
Jack: You can eat whatever you want! The tacos have beef and sauerkraut… Wait I mean sour whatsit? Sour cream. And stuff. Soooo good! They call him Man versus Food!
Jack: The kid that ate 6 tacos. He was only in 3rd grade!
In other news, my ironic evening. Sigh…
I was getting dinner ready and broke a glass on the floor. I cleaned it up pretty quickly and shook the rugs out on the deck to be extra safe. I then went outside to start the grill for the salmon I was preparing. Barefoot.
I stepped on the glass and there’s a piece in my foot right now. 😦 Isn’t it ironic? Dontcha think?
So today I got a call that jack had misbehaved with his water bottle by squirting someone. He wouldn’t stop when asked. Then he wouldn’t give up his water bottle when asked. THEN he walked away from the counselor and she grabbed his arm and he yelled ASSAULT ASSAULT!!
I had just found a seat with my plate of food at my company picnic. I saw the camp number show up on my phone screen. I inhaled a few bites before I answered because I just KNEW!
me: Sigh, hello?
Camp: Hi, Jack is okay, buuuttt (and she told me the story)
me: So like do I need to come get him?
Camp: Um yeah?
me: I’m at a company function and probably can’t leave for a half hour.
Camp: It’s ok, he’s in the house waiting.
I had to leave my company picnic to go get him. Geez. And, when I got there I got in trouble for packing peanuts in his lunch. Gah!! It’s a nut-free camp but I forgot since jack is only allergic to treenuts. Fail.
me: Jack… Come on, what happened?
Jack: My friend was squirting me first!
me: But you got caught. Why didn’t you just hand over the water bottle?!
Jack: They didn’t ask nicely.
me: You shouldn’t have walked away…
Jack: They’re not allowed to touch me!
So we had the conversation about how camp counselors are indeed in charge when I’m not there. And they can take his water bottle and they can stop him from walking out of camp. Sigh…
Well, no ipod or video games for the long weekend. And Jack will be writing a nice apology letter to his counselor. This usually buys me a week of beyter behavior.
I’m tired and ready for sleep! 🙂
Jack: That’s all the counselors say! They don’t care if you die swimming with a cramp!
me: I’m sure they care if you have a cramp, Jack…
Jack: No. They don’t. Hurt your leg? Walk it off! That’s what they say. Bump your head? Walk it off! Someone trips and falls? Walk it off! It’s annoying!
me: Wait, are these all things that happen to you?
Jack: Uh, not really… Maybe sometimes…
me: How about you just try to be more careful and then you won’t have anything to walk off.
Jack: That just means I would have to sit there and not move.
This is probably going to be a longish post. Are you ready? Go get a snack. I’ll wait.
So I took a walk in the woods. Guess what happened? I ate a bug. It turned into a short story in my head and here’s the visual I had as inspiration. My two brothers and a dog:
Here’s the story. I wrote it so it would appeal to a certain 7-year old, and I actually had fun watching him read it. He was cracking up at certain parts which made me very happy.
Stay tuned for bonus photos at the end. Just to make sure you stay interested and up-to-date!
I Ate a Bug
If you take a walk in the woods, you can expect a lot of different things to happen. You could maybe trip on a rock, stub your toe, see a garden snake, jump over some poison ivy, cross a fallen log over a stream, go to the bathroom behind a tree, or even run away from an angry swarm of bees because you just happened to disturb their hive. Really. All of this could happen.
All of these things didn’t happen to me. Only one thing happened to me.
I ate a bug.
I was walking along the path, talking to my brothers. Blah Blah Blah, not really paying attention to where I was going. I must have been telling a really good story because my mouth was open pretty wide. Blah Blah Blah.
My brother’s dog was walking along with us and she is the kind of dog that will bark at anything that moves. And I mean anything. A leaf, another dog, a cat, a squirrel, a twig, a fast-moving cloud, your shoelaces! It’s SO annoying to hear Yap Yap Yap the whole time you’re trying to take a walk in the woods. How can you enjoy nature with all that racket?
Where was I? Oh yeah, I was telling a story Blah Blah Blah, mouth wide open, when something flew right into my mouth and bounced off my tongue! I made a choking coughing sound and tried to spit out whatever it was that was IN MY MOUTH. Was it a fly? Gross! Was it a flying beetle? EWWW! Was it a (gasp) MOTH??
Whatever it was, this bug was not coming out of my mouth. It had a very strange taste. It was a green sort of taste that reminded me of salad. Bugs taste like salad?? How WEIRD? But not really that bad, if you know what I mean.
Here I am, coughing and choking, trying to spit this bug out of my mouth, and my brothers don’t even hear me because the dog is still going Yap Yap Yap the whole time! After a few minutes they finally realized that I wasn’t talking anymore, and they must have wondered why I was jumping up and down flapping my arms. They stopped and stared. I must have looked pretty funny hopping around making weird coughing noises. Even the dog quieted right down and stared at me.
The bug definitely did not come out of my mouth. I tried. Really I did. So, what other choice did I have?
I swallowed it. I swallowed a bug. I honestly and truly did.
Then the weird feeling went away. Nothing was crawling or creeping or flying in my mouth anymore. What a relief! Whew!
I started walking faster to catch up to my brothers. Once they realized that I was okay they turned and went back to walking the dog. Yap Yap Yap!! She started right up again with that racket. Sheesh!
I got back to telling my story (remember, from the beginning of THIS story?) and I was starting to Blah Blah Blah again with a big open mouth. This was a really good story that I was telling. I’m sure you would agree.
Suddenly, I felt a weird sensation in my throat. It seems that the bug that went DOWN was trying to get UP! The bug that was IN now wanted to be OUT! Not only did I eat a bug, but a bug was crawling in my throat! I started coughing and choking, trying to spit the bug out of my mouth … AGAIN!
This time, it worked!
So, technically, I ate a bug. But it didn’t last very long.
Jack: That’s a pretty funny story.
me: Thanks. I thought you might laugh so I decided to write it down.
Jack: Did you type it?
me: Yeah, that’s what you’re holding…the printout of what I typed.
Jack: Did you write it first and then type it?
me: No. I typed it as I wrote it.
Jack: Huh? How did you do both??
me: Noooo…I was writing it in my head and I just typed it into the computer.
Jack: You should always write your stories out first in pencil. THEN type them into the computer. Then you can make corrections first.
me: Good advice.
Jack: They made us do that in school. We always had to do everything twice. What a nuisance!
Well, now that Jack is out of school, I guess he won’t have to do everything twice. Except apply sunblock. Here are a few photos from Jack’s new camp, which he LOVES.
Jack also just passed his red belt test. Check out the belt order and see how many belts he has left before his black belt. Almost there!
This weekend we went to a nail salon with my friend and her daughter. Guess who had to have his big toes painted black? Of course I had to add a skull and crossbones to them when we got home.
I took Jack to my office on Monday before camp. He got to write on my chalkboard wall, play on my iPad and have a little fun with Mom before his first day out in the woods! He decided to have an impromptu dance party by himself. Complete with breakdancing on my rug.