Here comes the 9 year old

Wow, I can hardly believe I’m in my 4th year of blogging about my little man and the sh*t he says. It hasn’t stopped! I keep finding new material! And next week I will update my photo to say Sh*t my 9-year-old says. Omg. 9. Do any of you have advice for me? I’m sure this will be a fun year for us. The last year of a single-digit age. {sniff}…

I’ll do my best to post the most entertaining bits of my conversations with Jack. I hope you continue to enjoy reading them!

A note to my group of new followers: THANK YOU!! Drop me a note to say hi and let me know how you found us. I’m always curious to see how we travel around the globe… 🙂

And now for more Sh*t:

me: (laughing at a joke that Jack told me) Hey can you tell me that again? That was funny.

Jack: Is this for your blog?

me: (damn) Nooooo…

Jack: Yes it is!! My whole life is your blog!

me: Maybe my whole blog is your life.

Jack: Don’t tell me dumb things you learned in the 70s…

me: Nice. Well if you won’t repeat your joke, then tell me something interesting.

Jack: Okaayyy, but this is weird…

me: I can handle it.

Jack: You know when you look in a puddle and see your reflection?

me: Yeah…

Jack: Well, what if the puddle is reality and YOU’RE the reflection?? Did you ever think of that???? If the face in the puddle moves away, THEN YOU DONT EXIST ANYMORE!!!

me: (blinking) Cool. Now I have a headache.

Jack: Sigh…

What happened to “no thank you” as the first response?

Jack: Can I have soup and grilled cheese for dinner?

me: Sure. But we don’t have rye, you’ll have to have wheat.

Jack: Eww, then screw the grilled cheese.

me: WHAT??!!

Jack: I mean heh heh no thanks heh heh.

me: Grrrrr!

Inanimate object gets feelings hurt

Jack literally ate 2 breakfasts, a huge snack and 2 lunches today. And as he ate his second lunch he was asking what was for dinner. Bleh, sometimes I can’t even watch him shovel it in.

me: Jack, I can’t believe you’re eating all this. And no you can’t have a grilled cheese after all that. Let it actually hit your stomach first.

Jack:: But I’m starrrrrvinnnngggg!

me:: You’re definitely not starving. It’s like I’m feeding a garbage disposal…

Jack: Except the garbage disposal is sitting right here and has feelings.

(I pause then we both burst out laughing)

I’ve been given some resolutions

I should’ve seen this coming.

me: Good morning! Happy New Year!

Jack: Happy new year! You get a massage! (He starts karate chopping my back)

me: Yay! That’s my New Years resolution. To get more massages.

Jack: I already have a list of resolutions for you.

me: You do? Okay let’s hear em…

Jack: Welll you should be nicer to me. That’s one.

me: Yeah I see where this is going.

Jack: Eat less calories. (He starts squishing my stomach)

me: Heyyy that’s all muscle!

Jack: Be less annoying. And learn to cook better.

me: Gee, thanks. What about your resolutions?

Jack: I’m only 8. Nothing’s messed up yet.

XBox Minecraft…and what boys say

Jack: Your mom’s so ugly her lipstick screams. Hahahaha!

Friend: What?

Jack: Dude, don’t you get it? She’s so ugly her lipstick screams.

Friend: Her what?

Jack: Lipstick. LIPstick. It screams because she’s so ugly. Hahaha!

Friend: I don’t get it.

Jack: Sighhhhh. She goes to put on lipstick and it screams when it gets close to her face. Because she’s so ugly.

Friend: Oh.

Jack: Sigh

Height of Darth Vader determines coolness

Jack: (opening a 12″-tall package) Darth Vader? You got me a Darth Vader doll?

me: Action figure!

Jack: Action figures are small. Anything over 6 inches is a doll, Mom!

me: Fine. I got you a Darth Vader doll.

Jack: That’s SO embarrassing!!!

Merry Christmas! Quotes of the day…

It’s a typical Christmas in our house. Knee deep in wrapping paper. I’m a little bleary eyed from staying up late and getting woken up before 6. Ugh. Jack got the Wii U and after setting it up the discs wouldn’t read. Nothing. Tech support forum says send it in for a replacement. Really? It’s Christmas Day! Then a few hours later it just started working. Go figure. But I have a happy boy now. 🙂

Here are some sparkling quotes and conversations that could be heard in my house today.

1.
me: I can’t believe that stupid disc just started working after all this time. A Christmas miracle.

Jack’s Grandma: I prayed for a Christmas miracle so that thing would work.

me: You prayed for a game, with people dying and everything…

Grandma: Yeah.

2.
Jack: Why does this book from Santa have a 20% off sticker on it?

me: Shit

Jack: I heard that.

3.
me: Mom did you read my blog? Jack learned a new word. Pooted.

Grandma: What’s that?

me: (I tell her)

Grandma: Isn’t that “sharted”??

me: Sigh

4.
Jack: Can I go to Alex’s house?

me: No, it’s Christmas. Maybe tomorrow.

Jack: Son of a business man.

Merry Christmas everyone!! 🙂

1 new thing I learned from an 8-year-old

The scene opens to a dimly-lit train interior packed with Millennials going to NYC. And then there’s us. Playing Scrabble on my iPad. Two 11-year-old girls sit across from us. Jack keeps one eye on them at all times. He adopts a “cool guy” slouch sit posture.

me: Your turn.

Jack: (thinks for a bit while studying his letters). Ohhh! Ah-HA!

me: Looking over his shoulder. What’s that? That’s not a word.

Jack: It sure is.

me: No it is not. I’m looking it up.

I pull up the definition and start reading it out loud as Jack reads with me. I gasp, then stop reading. Then start laughing. The two girls giggle. Jack looks pleased with himself.

me: Where’d you learn THAT?

Jack: Around.

Definition: Check it out here...

Jack: Yo, I just took out the garbage!

me: What?

Jack: With my face.

me. Again. What??

Jack: I was sledding next door and smashed into their garbage can. With my face. Do I have a concussion?

me: I don’t think so. You have a red bump on your forehead…

Jack: Yeah baby! I SO took out the garbage with my face!!!

me: Yeah you’re fine.

The musical sarcastic stylings of Jack

 

Listening to music with Jack (or any 8-year-old) is a challenge because they like to hear the same songs over and over and over and over and…

If there’s a song they like, you have to have it on continual repeat. Just try and sneak in one of your favorites and see what happens. The groans, the “this sucks”, the whining, etc etc. I tell Jack “look, let’s listen to one of my songs and see if maybe you’ll like it.” Jack usually makes such a ruckus that I start the song over. Because I couldn’t hear it the first time. Then the groans get louder. So I start it over again. This goes on a few times, and then Jack actually wins. I can’t take it. I put on Avicci again. Not that he isn’t awesome or that his song is one of my favorites. But really. High rotation on every channel, and then constant repeat in my car. I dream of this song. I hear it when I wake up. It starts to haunt you after awhile.

So, in the car today I put on the freaken Avicci, and then skipped ahead to Lenny Kravitz. I was just in the mood people!

me: Jack, listen to this next song. It’s pretty cool. I listened to it when I was in college.

Jack: No one wants to relive the music from the 80’s mom. (he really says this and I really don’t know where he picked this up!)

me: Sigh. Just listen. You might like it. How do you think you got to like all the other songs that you actually like.

Jack: They were good.

me: Just. Listen. (I start the song over because he biotched through the beginning)

Jack: (whine)

me: Listen. It’s saying “it’s not over til it’s over”. Do you know what that means?

Jack: It means its annoying?

me: Listen! For Pete’s sake. Sheesh.

Jack: Who is this anyway?

me: Lenny Kravitz.

Jack: Who? Lenny Crapitz?

me: Knock it off Jack.

Jack: Sorry.

me: So, if you say it’s not over til it’s over, it means don’t give up on…

Jack: (interrupts) Yeah you’ve told me this once or twice or A THOUSAND TIMES.

me: (turning the dial) There. Happy?

Jack: (starts singing the Avicci song)

And I wonder why I’ve been popping Advil like candy this week. Geez.