I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up.

Posts tagged “humor

May the 4th be with you!

Spoilers.

This post has nothing to do with Star Wars.

Jack: Hurry up and sign my permission slips. They’re due tomorrow!!!

me: Where are they?

Jack: In my backpack!

me: Leave them for me and I’ll sign them.

(Next day)

Jack:!We’re gonna be late! You have to sign these! You didn’t remember yesterday!

me: Leave them on the counter.

(How is this my fault?)

me: Ok, here you go. Hey, for the band parade it says they need parents to walk along and hand out waters and stuff. Want me to do that?

Jack: NO.

me: Well someone has to do it. Then who will walk?

Jack: Anyone but you.

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It’s gonna be May

Ok enough with the backstreet boy memes. But it’s so funny! To me. Because I just heard about it today from Jack. We were listening to the radio and I’ll pretty much sing anything Backstreet or Justin T when it comes on, just because, and Jack said his Spanish teacher cracked that joke in class today.

We also had some funny conversations of our own!

We went to the gym, Jack was in a GOOD mood, (Oh-ho-ho!) and then we went to the store for dinner stuff.

On the way to the store Jack wanted to be dropped at home, but I said no (and dammit I just remembered that I was supposed to get gas and that’s why I didn’t want to drop him off, but of course I forgot, sigh), and Jack faked like he was going to grab the wheel and steer home.

me: Hey! Don’t mess around and put your hand back in your pants!

Awkward silence.

We both bust out laughing.

me: I meant “in your lap”.

Jack: it’s way too late to correct that. Just. No.

Hahahahaha

Kinda like the time Jack and his friend were in the car and we said something T the same time and I yelled “you owe me a beer!” and they both looked at me.

me: Please don’t tell your mom.

(Sorry Annette lol)

Happy last day of winter 😬😝


Meteorology Lesson

me: Jack, see those clouds? Do you know what weather they predict for tomorrow? It’s usually a 24- hour window that you get when you look at the clouds….it’s generally accurate…and so cool that we can predict the weather just by looking at the sky and not some dumb app. So what’s your guess?

Jack: I don’t know, rain?

me: No, look, see how they’re all bumpy and uniformly dispersed? That usually predicts the exact same weather as today. So hopefully it will be sunny and in the 60’s… just like today…Isn’t that cool?

Jack: (looking at the weather app on my phone) Says 40’s and rain tomorrow. Good job, Mom.

me: Grrr. Stupid feckin clouds.

Side note, I haven’t written in awhile and it has nothing to do with clouds or weather! Though I DO so hate the cold and am fully ready for spring to arrive. Sorry everyone, I’ll do a better job!

This article has some really interesting cloud formations. I’m kind of a cloud geek, see my Chicago Skyline photo below. I can’t believe I took such a cool photo. The rest are just bonus shots from Chicago from last November 🙂


When caviar goes bad

We met some friends for dinner and Jack’s friend ordered a bento box that had a few different types of sushi in it. Including one giant avocado tower covered with Roe and caviar. Needless to say when he touched his fork to it, the tower fell over.

Friend: Awwwww my caviar!

Jack: First-world problem.


Cloudy with a chance of kittens

So this happened:

I know… RIGHT?? My new little girls.

Luna in the back, PoBo in the front. And no, it’s not PoBoy as in sandwich. For those of you that have asked and those of you thinking it. 🙂 It’s a small child’s way of saying Polar Bear.

Hey, Jack used to say Kkkk for Christmas tree. This is an evolved name!

And of course they are white so we had to name them whitey names. Not like Honky as one friend suggested. But we went through the gamut of whiteness: Snow, Cotton, Crystal, and then we started getting silly and thought of weather names like Cloud and Fog and Cold Front.

Then we joked that we would name them Low Pressure System and Barometric Pressure, haha. Or Windy and Rainy. But Luna stuck out on my list and Jack liked it. PoBo was pre-names before she even arrived and I dared NOT even attempt to veto that one. Jack picked it naturally.

I come home from work now and have two little mountain climbers scaling my legs. Must remove tights first and put on thick sweats! Aaahhh. We cut their nails so it was heavenly for a day or two. Now they’re sharp again! Oy!

Overall they have been a sweet and fun addition to the family. Moca is perplexed and whiney and tried to lick them to death on the one or two introductions we’ve made. She lunged one time so we put a stop to the visit early. We’ll keep trying!

You know what I’m doing, right? With Moca and now these guys. I’m building my support system for when JACK LEAVES FOR COLLEGE! I will have a well-established group of animals that adore me and I will not miss him for a second. That is, if he manages to get out of the closet I’m locking him in until he’s 50 after high school graduation. Not weird at all right?

Cuteness break:

That’s the kitties squawking at me when I walk in the bathroom. Aka “Their Home” for now. Awwwwww!

Taking it slow 🙂

Jack and I have this crazy coordinated cat/dog dance that we have to do now. PoBo is the chill kitty but she’s become a flight risk. I open the bathroom door and she leaps over my feet like lighting and hides under my bed. Luna, aka Looney, who dies CARTWHEELS in the air as she maniacally plays with a miniature fuzzy road kill squirrel (thanks Kelley lol) is more hesitant when faced with an open door.

Jack; Mom, come here!

me: In a minute, I’m doing something.

Jack: Mom! It’s the Walking Dead!

me: Wha—? ( I head to my room )

Jack: Look! I can’t close the door! PoBo keeps sticking her paw in it clawing at me like the walking dead and I can’t close it!

Moca is pacing and whining, beside herself at the sight of the little white paw.

me: Ok, first let’s get Moca out.

We double door it, closing Moca outside my bedroom door.

me: Now it’s ok to open the door a bit and push her —–

Jack: Aaaaahhhh! She’s out!

PoBo does a flying leap over Jack and takes over my bedroom.

me: Ok, you go in the bathroom and I’ll grab her, and then we will figure out how to get out while keeping them in.

We wrangle the kitties and get in the bathroom.

me: I know, let’s put them in the bathtub and then make a run for it.

Jack: Have you seen them jump?? It’s like one second before they’re out of the tub.

Well that’s all we got. It works and we make our escape checking so we don’t close a kitty paw in the door.

We open my bedroom door and Moca lunges in and races to the bathroom door to sniff and whine. We drag her out.

Repeat many times throughout the day. Ha!

We should have named them Hurricane and Tornado!

(A little meet and greet in Moca’s crate)

🐶😺


Memory is Relative

I think memory can be turned on and off by 13 year olds. I want to really believe that Jack wouldn’t forget things that I say on purpose. Right?? I get the selective hearing but maybe because their brains have NOT GROWN in fully yet, there are Swiss cheese holes where recent memories just sort of fall into.

I recently read that an average dog has a short term memory span of about 5 minutes. That explains a LOT with Moca. But it’s sad also because I give her an amazing belly rub and expect that she’ll remember how loved she felt and maybe she’ll really “drop” the ball for me this time instead of pulling a Lucy / Charlie Brown on me and running with it just as I reach for it. I sort of hoped she would want to please me since I was so nice to her! But alas, she wouldn’t even remember the belly rub. Or that I put bits of chicken or beef or salmon in her breakfast and dinner bowls. Each time I feed her she gives the bowl a look of pure disdain… she’s not one to be motivated by food. When she realizes there’s something tasty mixed in, she sometimes behaves like it’s Christmas and she devours the food-slash-treat with loud gobbles and clangy metallic slurps when the bowl is empty and she’s trying for that one last bite. Without being able to remember how yummy that meal was, she starts off the next day with the same sideways look at her food bowl. “Same old crap, eh?” Yet how can Moca remember THAT?? Hmmmm….

I’m forgetting where I was…

Oh yes, Jack and his short term memory. I’ll be glad for the day his prefrontal cortex pops open like one of those time lapse photos of flowers blooming at the end of winter, pushing the brain matter aside like soil, and he wakes from a deep sleep and looks at me appreciatively and says… THANKS! For everything.

Ahhhhh….

So anyhow, I asked him to turn off the light in the upstairs hall. Again. The same light I ask him to turn off every day and sometimes every night.

Jack: No this is the episode where they end up seeing the weeping angels and one of them gets into Amy’s eye, remember? And the crack in her wall follows them to this dimension and… (boy can he remember a doctor who episode from 2 years ago)!

me: Hey Jack, go turn off the hall light up there before we watch…

Jack: Sighhhh (he gets up to turn off that light, and turns ON the stairs light to do so…)

me: AND, get the stairs light too… sheesh…

Jack; Ok Ok!

Jack returns down the stairs and walks right by the light switch and sits down. I stare at him. He stares at me.

Jack: Wellllll? (Gestures towards the TV)

me: Jack, seriously go turn off the light.

Jack: What do you think I just did??

I look at the stairs. He turns and looks.

Jack: Well you said to get the HALL light, you never said to get THAT one.

me: I said it as soon as you flipped the switch.

Jack: No you didn’t.

me: Yes I did and you said Ok. Just go turn it off please. It’s like you only remember the things you care about right? Maybe that’s it.

Jack: True!

me: Well what’s something you would never remember because you don’t care?

Jack: Literally anything you tell me.

me: Sighhhhh…

(The beatings begin)


Speak softly, but carry a big can of paint…

(A fun quote by street artist Banksy.)

Jack and I don’t feel well, nd have taken a day off. I still have a fever and haven’t really moved from the couch. He’s upstairs playing Mario.

Last night we both were exhausted and watched Exit Though the Gift Shop, a Banksy film I’ve loved for years and have seen many times. It was fun to watch Jack watch the film.

Jack’s become a really good artist and has the best style, sort of Haring-like with a comical twist that is uniquely Jack. So, he genuinely enjoyed the film which made me happy. We took our Banksy love to a new level when we visited London last April and saw one of his street rats. It was amazing.

The movie itself is amazing on many levels. The street art, the artists, the plot, Mr. Brainwash (the identity the main character, a photographer/videographer takes when he changes lanes and becomes a street artist himself…after filming street artists for about a year or more). He eventually created his own sticker, ala Shepherd Fairy and his OBEY Andre the Giant stickers, and plastered them everywhere.

This guy carried his video camera everywhere! That too reminded me of Jack, who literally has had his camera strapped to his hand on every major trip he’s taken, and vlogged the entire time.

(China town in London, video camera in hand.)

In the Banksy movie, the main guy Thierry, filmed his cousin (artist Space Invader) wherever they went, and people really thought this guy was more famous than he really was, due to the camera attention of course.

I had an idea.

me: Hey Jack, Why don’t you start filming me everywhere we go. You know, like Thierry in the movie did with his cousin. Then everyone will think I’m famous and maybe something will come of it!

Jack: Yeah, but your life’s not interesting.

Sigh…

I won’t spoil the movie, but GO RENT IT AMD WATCH IT. I have a good suspicion that Banksy played a huge trick on us, the viewers, because that’s just what he does.

I’m now on to my third movie in two days… 2nd one was “Where is Banksy?” And now I’m finishing “How to sell a Banksy.”

Oh and we drew a lot last night and a bit today. Since we’re just sitting here riding out the Nor’easter 🙂