I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up.


No sell outs here!

After I stepped out of the shower I asked Jack to come in the bathroom. I pointed to the shelf of soaps and shampoos.

me: What’s this…

Jack: We are NOT going to have mindless product endorsements in THIS house!

me: Ah. So that’s why I washed my hair with conditioner.

Change the school, not me

Last night…

me: Jack it’s late, 2 more minutes then lights out.

Jack: No I’m drawing. I’ll finish when I’m done.

me: Now it’s one minute. 

Jack: No.

me: Lights out now if you’re gonna be fresh. You need your rest.

Jack: I don’t need rest AND I’m not produce mom!

This morning…6:05…

Jack: Mommmm!!

me: (running upstairs) Wha—?

Jack: I have to pee.

me: It’s time to get up actually. 

Jack: (looks at the clock) WHAT??!! I’m not getting up now!!! CALL THE SCHOOL AND TELL THEM TO CHANGE THE HOURS!! KIDS CANT GET UP THIS EARLY!!!

The phrase “told ya so” was on the tip of my tongue.

Walk more!

People in my town don’t walk anywhere. They drive. Or possibly jog. Maybe they hook their bikes onTo the bike rack on the car hitch and drive to a nice trail. But no one is hardly EVER out walking; occasional senior or dog walker  aside. And definitely not with their kids. And definitely not to a store or place that serves food! Such as Dunkin Donuts, where we were headed.

I make Jack and his friends take a walk with us the morning after a sleepover. It’s been dubbed “The Forced March” by some of his friends. Some don’t want to come back for sleepovers. But those that do seem to enjoy it.

I give a dollar to the kid that finds the best treasure. Treasures have to be the property of no one and something worthy of keeping. Like a golf ball or quarter, or even a cell phone (which we found once). A dollar goes to the kid with the best behavior. And we generally have lots of fun. People driving by either smile or look at us like we’re insane.

After 2 minutes they both had their winter coats off (it was cold when we left) and of course I was carrying them. Ugh! I started to overheat.

Today we saw a turkey vulture, an eagle and saved a very friendly dog from being hit by a car.  Jack brought his GoPro camera and he and his friend walked and shot videos, while dodging cars and balancing on fences.

We passed a yard that had free stuff at the curb and the boys dove in. They came out of the pile with 2 golf clubs each. Score! We had been looking for a putter yesterday. Good timing. They proceeded to yell FORE and whack acorns for the next mile or so until we crossed the main road and our target was in sight. Of course u was now also carrying the tripod and GoPro camera!

 In Dunkin Donuts Jack set the camera up on the table and got lots of looks and comments. Took us about 40 minutes to get there what with the multiple circle backs to see if the rock they smashed was still in one piece, or if the shiny thing they just stepped on was a gum wrapper or a coin. :) Customers asked us if we were filming a movie or if the camera had something to do with sports. 

I enjoyed the attention as always and I liked that the kids were having fun and getting exercise and also spending time with me. 

And, as I always do when I have some of Jack’s friends with me, I enjoyed the fact that people assume they’re all my kids. I yell at them all the same if they misbehave, and treat them as if they were my own. Sorry parents! ;)  I think I would have enjoyed two or three kids but it just wasn’t in the cards. Hellooo 47th birthday that just passed. Oh and helllooooo lack of a boyfriend. Certain things kind of need to be in place when you want a bigger family. Sooooo….

Jack: I’m going to do some putts when we get inside.

me: No, lean those against the wall.

Jack: Awwww.

me: And don’t get me in any of your videos. 

Jack: Well we can film some guy stuffing a bagel in his face and then make fun of him,

me: No pointing the camera at strangers. If they walk by its ok, but don’t say anything about them,

Jack: Awwwwww!!!!

me: I’m leaving the coats here and I’ll drive back and get them, this is ridiculous …

(I coerced the cashier to stow them in the back until I came back)

Jack: (as we left) But now I’m cold! 

me: Not happening. Let’s go. Walk faster. 

We passed by the golf clubs again and the boys grabbed more stuff. Now I was holding the tripod and an occasional golf club. Sigh. We sort of looked like vagabonds.

Jack: This was so awesome! I love walking and finding stuff.

Friend: My foot is rubbed raw do I’m going to stop at my house. Can you walk home and getting stuff and then drive to pick up our costs and THEN come get us???

Jack: Yeah my toe is sore.

me: Sheesh. It was only 4 miles….

Jack: Yeah but we’re young and you could use the exercise so you can add more steps to your Fitbit!

Said like he was doing me a favor. :)

We then had a fun afternoon of mini golf, laser tag, praying mantis watching and apple picking! 16,749 steps today yo!!! 


10 random things heard today

1. Raspberry Preemies? “I thought a preemie was like a German cookie or something.?”

2. Cafetorium. “We have the weirdest name for a room in our school. It sounds like where things go to die.”

3. Flubby. “Mom, you’re looking less flubby these days.”

4. Old age club. “You’re already there mom.” 

5. Separated hamstring. “In gym they make you sit down and put your foot on a box then bend the other leg and then stretch down and try to touch your toe and push this little thing as far as you can then hold it for like 30 seconds or a minute until your hamstring separates and it’s like their shoving a knife in there and twisting!”

6. Too early. “Call the Boarf of Ed and tell them it’s not normal for us to be at the bus stop at 7am. Tell them to start school later! I should still be in bed at 7am!!!!”

7. Pine fresh. “I think Ed peed here on your Ernie doll. He smells all pine fresh.”

8. The plumber is crying. “Of course I just bit my lip, whaddya think, the plumber just bit his lip? Or did I bite the plumbers lip? Geez!!”

9. Raking my head. “Here gimme the brush and let me show you how you’re brushing my hair like a rake and removing my scalp!!!”

10. Exalted leader. “I was just nominated leader of the kids club so I don’t want to go to taekwondo on Thursday because that’s when I’m being sworn in.” (Members = 3. Location = tree.)

Subaru Confessions – Middle School

Jack: In Sweden they have this wall of gum and everyone sticks their old gum on there. 

me: It’s in Seattle.

Jack: Seattle, Sweden, same diff.

me: Not really…

Jack: The guy from Dude Perfect stuck a book to the wall there.

me: Ew, that’s gross.

Jack: No that’s awesome.


Jack: Guess what, I figured out the best way to be first on the bus after school.

me: This should be good.

Jack: So, before last period, you go get everything ready that you need and put it in your backpack in your locker. Then, you set up your locker combination by dialing the first two numbers and then leaving it right before the last number, and so when you get there after the last class you only have to do the last number.  

Then you’re like click, grab, slam, done! It’s like one second!

me: Why do you need to be first on the bus?

Jack: To get the best seat, duh…

Soccer Saturday

I finally became a soccer mom this year! I always wanted to be a soccer mom. Ever since the Halloween that I dressed in a soccer uniform (my actual college uniform) and strapped on a fake pregnancy belly, and thought I was so clever as everyone asked what I was dressed as. Oh I’m clever alright. Ha.

Considering I’ve been playing soccer since I was probably 10… Or younger… I could not wait to have a son or daughter that wanted to play MY sport. Oh I could teach them everything I learned over the years!!! I could practice with them! Sigh…

Two years ago I saw a summer soccer clinic hosted at my actual college which was probably managed by actual people that actually were there when I played at that school… And I signed Jack up without hesitation.

When I told Jack how very lucky he was, he flung himself on the ground in a tantrum the likes of which I had never seen. And, as you know, I’ve seen some doozies at my house. 

So, I let him calm down and waited a few weeks hoping he might come around. I emailed the camp to make sure he was registered and confirmed the start time. 

On the day of the camp I asked Jack if he wanted to play soccer, and he said yes! Until… He found out it wasn’t in the driveway with a nerf ball. He again flung himself on the floor and screamed that I was ruining his life! He was 7. Or 8. Did he even have a life to ruin yet? Geez.

I called the camp, defeated, and asked for a refund. :(

So this year when all of Jack’s friends fell in love with soccer, so did he. And I became cautiously hopeful. Again. I wish I was still playing soccer. Really. And I guess I could, but the injuries and the lack of time, what with my martial arts classes like 4 times a week, make it kind of hard. Ugh. And it’s not easy to bounce back (when you’re above the age of 20) from a dislocated jaw (I was behind a guy as he flung his arms out to kick the ball in front of us), or a sprained ankle, (they put me against a guy with no arms, true story, and I was afraid to knock him down, so he knocked me down, having not been very afraid at all of my two working arms — and ovaries… Helloooo!), or the bloody swollen tops of my feet (from trying to get the ball away from 20-year-old Brazilian boys who clearly in their minds were in the World Cup at this very moment)… I could go on. But luckily for you I won’t.

I found myself at 7:30 am out on a chilly and wet, but beautiful, soccer field watching the boys on Jack’s team arrive, waiting for their 20-something coaches to show up. I organized the boys into a line and I jumped into the goal to let them take shots on me, and warm up. My sneakers got wet and dirty, and my hair frizzed out but I loved it!

We lost the game 8-5 or something very close to a football score. I yelled encouragement and pointers from the sidelines and I paced back and forth while the other parents huddled in their camp chairs. It was great!

me: Jack! You can move up a little but stay on that guy! That was a nice kick! 

Jack: Quiet wannabee coach!!!!! 

me: Sigh…


Detours are the best

Jack and I are heading home from Cape Cod. To break up the 3.5-hour ride we like to take different detours or side routes and stop and visit things we’ve never seen. 

Today’s detour took us through Groton, CT and we visited the USS Nautilus Submarine Museum. Closed Tuesdays, FREE every other day! Yay!

We toured the submarine and then the museum. Both were very cool and informative, and I mentioned Free, right?

By the way, my 3pm sugar craving is kicking in again, thanks Scottcakes!! So NOW I’ll start my sugar-free year, heh heh. UGH.

me: Oohh we can stop at that seafood place we ate at last time when we went to the beach.

Jack: I’m in!

me: Way better than Subway again. Bleh. And, they have that awesome ice cream, remember?

Jack: Yesss!

me: Wait, I think the ice cream is cash only.

Jack: (mild panic) Do you have cash? 

me: Ah, no…

Jack: Awww I hate that place!!!

me: Though I think they have an ATM. How bad do we want ice cream?

Jack: Usually pretty bad, Mom. 

Ok, no sugar starts tomorrow! 

Seriously. I mean it. 










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