I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up.


Dance Fever

Jack went to a party thrown by his new middle school; a meet and greet with loud music, dancing and food and a bunch of pre-teens aged 10-12.


me: Do you want to go to the middle school dance? It’s tomorrow.

Jack: Nahhh. And it’s not a dannnccccceee.

me: Your friend is going.

Jack: Really!?? Go get me a ticket!!


me: What do you want to wear tonight?

Jack: This. (Points down to his sweaty shorts and tshirt)

me: Your friend is wearing khakis and a button down shirt.

Jack: Really? I don’t want to wear that. It’s not a wedding mom!

me: There are going to be middle school girls there.

Jack: (pauses) I’m in! Go get my pants and shirt!

me: Sheesh.

As it turned out, Jack and his friend were the best dressed of all the sweaty messy boys. 

(At the door)

Jack: Dude, put your hands in your pockets. Be cool dude. Mom! You can go now!

me: Sheesh. 


Subaru Confessions – Squirrels of the World

me: Ohh look at the little squirrel that just ran across the street!

Jack: Awwww! He just made it… Mom, guess what, in Central Park there was this squirrel and he was going for an apple and then well first he was sitting on a fence and then this guy came so he jumped down and then he went back up… But after that he went for this huge Apple and he was trying to carry it away but it was just a core but still… It was bigger than him! 

me: Yeah squirrels don’t know about garbage and germs…. Or anything like that. 

Jack: They’re smart, mom.

me: But not about cities and buildings and all the stuff we know.

Jack: They know about buildings because they climb on them.

me: But they don’t know about building them and taxes and that there’s a whole world and not just their neighborhood. They know food, shelter, making babies and avoiding danger. That’s it. Oh and how to do elaborate puzzles.

Jack: What are you talking about?

me: On TV they show scientists making these crazy mazes and the squirrels have to figure them out to get food. Like go through this tunnel and open this slider and crawl on this rope and pull this lever and a pellet comes down.

Jack: Cool.

me: So actually they’re smart about that. You should have a squirrel club and learn about them haha. Squirrels of the world. 

Jack: Nah, Gavin would take that over. (A friend of his that REALLY likes squirrels). 

me: Tha’s his favorite animal still?

Jack: Yeah. But this other kid’s favorite animal is a pigeon. Sooooo…

me: Okaayyy…Squirrel is not that bad I guess. :) 


Happy Mother’s Day!!! with auto corrects left intact

my gift to myself! To post and correct nothing! Not that missed Cap at the beginning, not anything! Oh don’t poo PPP, (see? “Poo poo”) this will save me an hour. I can still type what I should have said at a faster pace than going back and correcting with this one thumb…


Actually I lied. The title should have had this eord on Oy (word in ot$) sigh WORD IN IT. “Smothers” but I wanted the title to make sense. Since I won’t ..,

It’s my 11th Morhers Day and I’m on the 11th doctor in Dr. Wei (who!!)  it must mean something! Or not.

Jack is at a sleepover and I got yo sleep in. Well sorta. I’m going for a long walk in a few minutes. So I better hurry this up. 

I’m wondering if jack made me a card or anything this year? I’m guessing not because he’s at his friend’s and was frankly more worried about the fact that I was packing him “clean” underwear.

Jack: No one cares about that Mommmm! 

me: I do.

Jack: But you’re not gonna be there. There’s no time! I just wake up and wear this! (He gestures to the clorhes he is currently wearing and also tells me he will be sleeping in the same furry clorhes (dirty clothes) and I can’t stop him.

me: Then why do you even need this bag to carry all your stuff. Just go over like that. Skip brushing and flossing and just be filthy.

Jack: (thinking i have turned into the dream mom) Really???

me: No. Now change your underwear now so I don’t have to worry about it.

Jack: Sighhh. This is why your friends don’t invite YOU over for sleepovers.

… Guys, is that really why? Have you all had sleepovers WITHOUT me?!



Jack-Live 5.6.15

I heard this coming from the bathroom this morning. Loud.

Jack: Taking a whazbag is very fun!!!!

Repeat over and over for the typical duration of 10-year-old’s urination time. Which is very long.

The last days of 5th grade

Have you been missing us? Well those of you that see me regularly are certainly not missing us… But those of you in blog land? And there are quite a few of you! I’m doing my best. Really. Lots and lots going on.


5th grade is surely coming to an end. 2 more months. Less actually. Then it’s off to (gasp) middle school! Jack talks about it as if he’s simultaneously going to the best vacation ever… Or to a military reform school. All breathy in-awe whispers. Oohhh middle schoooool. So yes he’s excited. But hey, we have to get him out of 5th grade first, people! 

I’m sitting on the deck in the sun, and I should be reading Nick Hornby, but I decided to blog first, finally, and I just realized I have NO idea where Jack even ran off to. Hmmm.

So back to getting Jack out of 5th grade. I’m sure he’ll be fine, but he sure is cutting it close. With the doodling, and the talking, and the crazy bus behavior… However he luckily counterbalances that with 100s on his spelling tests, all homework completed on time, the highest test score in his grade for those standard tests they take. He could have gotten a perfect score, but he was doodling and probably talking… The word “apply” gets used a lot. As in, if only he would.

But he’s happy for the most part, unless we bring up shots, and he’s healthy and he likes to have fun and make people laugh, aka class clown… Sooo…

Here are a few conversations we’ve had recently. They seriously never stop. There’s always more sh*t!! Does this sound like he’s ready for middle school…?

me: You have to wear sports goggles if you want to play soccer. Not debatable.

Jack: But they’re gonna suck and I’ll get laughed at and I won’t be able to see!

me: If you start thinking more positively you’ll see that your whole mood will change. I already said you have to wear them. So what positive thing could you say instead?

Jack: I am positive I’m going to hate wearing these goggles!

me: Sighhh.
So there was thaaaat and that was fun. But how about this?
me: Are you excited about going back to camp?

Jack: Oh yeah! Remember last year… There was that Porta potty and I looked in it and saw half of a chicken nugget? And a bag of Doritos! The blue kind…

me: That’s what you remember?

Jack: Of course! Only the awesome stuff.
Bleh. Now where is that boy? Just called a few neighbors. Hmm.
Jack: (stepping off the bus) Rahma kchx kchx!!!

me: What?

Jack: Rangellos! kk kk!!

me: English please. 

Jack: That is English. IG Bromin style.

me: Oh thanks for the clarification.

Jack: Saggels.

me: Ummm. Ok?
Just heard Jack whiz by on his bike. Ok he’s been warned for not staying where he said he’d be. Remember the days when they couldn’t go anywhere because they couldn’t walk??! Sheesh.

How to conduct a spelling test with a 5th grader

Jack: I’m going next doooooorrrr! (He runs for the door)

me: Wait, wait, homework!

Jack: I don’t have any. I forgot it. 

me: Those are completely opposite statements. How did you forget your homework?

Jack: I forgot to check my mailbox. We’re soooo busy! We had testing too!

me: Jack… Come on..,What was your homework supposed to be?

Jack: Spelling.

me: Ok. I’ll read your spelling words to you and if you spell them all correctly you can go outside and play next door.

Jack: Yay!

me: Trifold

Jack: T R I F O L D

me: Good. Semicircle.

Jack: I can’t wait to go outside. These are easy!

me: Ahem.

Jack: S E M I  DASH C I R C L E

me: Dash? Try again.

Jack: S E M I C I R C L E

me: Yep. How about Biweekly?

Jack: So can we go to Walgreens tomorrow and get that nerf gun?

me: (stare)

Jack: Sigh. B I W E E K L Y!!! Sheesh.

me: Good. Now try—-

Jack: (interrupting) Can we?

me: Jack let’s finish up. Midafternoon. Why aren’t there hyphens in these? Is that right?

Jack. Finish up Midafternoon? I won’t have time to play!!!!

me: That’s the word you have to spell. 

Jack: Oh. M I D A F T E R N O O N.

me: Yes. Ok…Triangle.

Jack: Seriously? TRIANGLE!!!  So easy.

me: Yep. 

Jack: Walgreens? Can we?

me: Maybe. 

Jack: But—-

me: There are like 10 more stinking words here. You know them, we’re just going through the motions, I know, but you are finishing. Bisect.

Jack: Sheesh. B I S E C T. (Muttering) … Well I’m getting that gun tomorrow and you can’t stop me.

me: Sigh. And when do you expect to do your homework that you forgot? 

 Jack: In the morning like I always do. I mean… Um…

Jack in Hawaii

Jack and his dad just got back from a week’s vacation in Hawaii. How cool! With a 6-hour time difference in sure to have fun getting Jack ready for school tomorrow. :)

me: (grabbing the phone at noon) Hey!!!

Jack: I slept in.

me: Oh really?

Jack: I just woke up!

me: Uh oh.

Jack: It’s fine. I just slept for half a day!

me: Well I can’t wait to see you later. And the cats miss you!

Jack: Can I get wireless Beats headphones? Everyone has them!

me: Sigh.





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