I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up.


How to conduct a spelling test with a 5th grader

Jack: I’m going next doooooorrrr! (He runs for the door)

me: Wait, wait, homework!

Jack: I don’t have any. I forgot it. 

me: Those are completely opposite statements. How did you forget your homework?

Jack: I forgot to check my mailbox. We’re soooo busy! We had testing too!

me: Jack… Come on..,What was your homework supposed to be?

Jack: Spelling.

me: Ok. I’ll read your spelling words to you and if you spell them all correctly you can go outside and play next door.

Jack: Yay!

me: Trifold

Jack: T R I F O L D

me: Good. Semicircle.

Jack: I can’t wait to go outside. These are easy!

me: Ahem.

Jack: S E M I  DASH C I R C L E

me: Dash? Try again.

Jack: S E M I C I R C L E

me: Yep. How about Biweekly?

Jack: So can we go to Walgreens tomorrow and get that nerf gun?

me: (stare)

Jack: Sigh. B I W E E K L Y!!! Sheesh.

me: Good. Now try—-

Jack: (interrupting) Can we?

me: Jack let’s finish up. Midafternoon. Why aren’t there hyphens in these? Is that right?

Jack. Finish up Midafternoon? I won’t have time to play!!!!

me: That’s the word you have to spell. 

Jack: Oh. M I D A F T E R N O O N.

me: Yes. Ok…Triangle.

Jack: Seriously? TRIANGLE!!!  So easy.

me: Yep. 

Jack: Walgreens? Can we?

me: Maybe. 

Jack: But—-

me: There are like 10 more stinking words here. You know them, we’re just going through the motions, I know, but you are finishing. Bisect.

Jack: Sheesh. B I S E C T. (Muttering) … Well I’m getting that gun tomorrow and you can’t stop me.

me: Sigh. And when do you expect to do your homework that you forgot? 

 Jack: In the morning like I always do. I mean… Um…

Jack in Hawaii

Jack and his dad just got back from a week’s vacation in Hawaii. How cool! With a 6-hour time difference in sure to have fun getting Jack ready for school tomorrow. :)

me: (grabbing the phone at noon) Hey!!!

Jack: I slept in.

me: Oh really?

Jack: I just woke up!

me: Uh oh.

Jack: It’s fine. I just slept for half a day!

me: Well I can’t wait to see you later. And the cats miss you!

Jack: Can I get wireless Beats headphones? Everyone has them!

me: Sigh.




Joke of the day

Jack: Here’s a joke. The teacher says “can anyone use the word random in a sentence?” A kid raises his hand and says “yeah, my Dad saw two squirrels in the driveway and random over.”

me: Sigh.

What’s the opposite of integration?

Jack: And you know what Mrs. C calls Youseff? YOseff. Hahahaha.

me: That’s not that far off…

Jack: And she calls Megan Morgan. Ha! And she calls Lewis Anthony.

me: Is she doing it to be funny?

Jack: No! She like seriously doesn’t know anyone’s name.

me: What does she call you?

Jack: Jack.

me: Well with the number of times you’ve gotten in trouble in that class, I guess she knows you pretty well Eh?

Jack: My name’s easy.

me: That must be it. How can she call Megan Morgan? That’s so weird. Is this Megan from last year?

Jack: Yeah.

me: Do you still talk to her?

Jack: We don’t talk to anyone.

me: Ohhh wait, is it boys huddled over here and girls over there?

Jack: Yeah it’s like segregation, except we’re nice to each other.



Who’s the stinkiest one of all?

We are watching the worst movie ever made. Furry Vengeance. With Brandon Fraser. And a bunch of wild animals. Jack absolutely loves this movie.

Jack: I just love this movie so much mom! Hahahahaha!

me: Ugh.

Jack: But look at all the skunks. It’s a line of fire!

me: Skunks are stinky but they really are so cute…

Jack: You know, they can be de-stinked and kept as pets.

me: Yeah they can be pretty good pets without the stink. I once…

Jack: (interrupts me by farting loudly)

me: Sigh. What about de-stinking boys?

Jack: I just LOVE this movie!!! Hahahaha!



Invention Convention

Jack LOVES science. Therefore he’s loving his science project, which is to create an invention that solves a problem and then launch it at the Invention Convention in May at his school.

Jack of course decided to invent something that helps to detect tree nuts, or any food allergen, in food. We’ve had to research patents, speak with allergists, look up antibodies as protein probes, Google allergen detectors and come up with a prototype. Whew.

His teacher is thoroughly impressed and said if Jacks invention doesn’t quite work out the way he envisions it, he will help Jack to do another one in time for the convention.

Jack said in his own words: I want this invention to lift a weight off the shoulders of the world.

me: Do your friends like your invention?

Jack: Eh. I don’t know.

me: Well what are they doing? Are they as scientific and involved as yours??

Jack: Well one kid is doing a magnet in a glove so a ball will magnetize to it.

me: Oh.


Free country

me: Go wash up and brush your teeth please.

Jack: (looks up from his drawing) No.

me: Uh, yeah, let’s go.

Jack: It’s a free country, Mom.

me: Not for kids, now get in there.

Jack: It’s a free country for everyone! Right?

me: Yes. However…Kids have to listen to their parents. It’s a free country for you when you’re an adult.

Jack: If it’s a free country then it’s free for everyone all the time!

me: Then how would kids know how to do anything? Their parents have to teach them and keep them safe and clean and fed … So it’s free but you do have to listen to your mom.

Jack: That means it’s like prison.





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