Jack: Um, Mom, why are we getting ass mail?
Jack: I never have a free night!!! I have soccer practice Tuesday and Friday, then taekwondo Tuesday and Thursday, then games on Saturday and then your classes and homework!!!
me: You were free Wednesday remember? I skipped my class.
Jack: But all I did was worry about all the stuff I was going to HAVE to do the rest of the week! I’m too stressed!
Jack and I were in the Store looking at toys and I saw that old Fisher-Price record player that has the plastic disks with the bumps on them, and as it spins the handle catches the bumps and plays music. I don’t think Jack has ever seen a real record player… when he was little I maybe brought him into my basement and played a 45 on the little record player I had as a kid. Who knows what a 45 is?? Haha.
me: Ohh look it’s an old fashioned record player. I had this when I was a kid!
Jack: What’s that?
me: We used it to play our records (blank stare from Jack), you know… Music?
Jack: We have Spotify.
Jack and I were reading Goodnight Moon before bed as a funny way to remember the times when he was little and we used to do those cozy kinds of things to relax. Goodnight Moon has a very nice cadence to it and the pacing if it is pretty soothing. Jack used to know it by heart and whenever I would stop reading, he would fill in the next word for me.
me: …goodnight comb, and goodnight brush, goodnight nobody, goodnight mush, and goodnight to the old lady whispering—
Jack: Anal cavity.
me: Come on, really?
Jack: Really, just think about it. How creepy is an old lady that’s whispering “anal cavity”….oooohhhh
me: Sigh. Goodnight Jack.
Master: Oh you’re doing great today sir! What did you eat for dinner?
Jack: Mac and cheese.
Master: You should have that every night before class then…
Jack: Mom, did you hear that? Listen to the man!!!!!!
me: This is a cool old song with really good guitar. Guess why it’s called Peace Train?
Jack: I don’t know.
me: Well he’s probably singing about world peace and why don’t we all stop fighting and get on the “peace train” and all become nicer, better people. It’s a happy song from before you were born.
Jack: Well, that didn’t happen.
me: Jack, check out this book. It’s about China. They made this very strange policy in 1980—
Jack: (interrupting) I know, Inknow, One Child Law, I already read about that Mom!
me: Cool! Look at the big girders on the ground. Must be a new bridge going in!
Jack: Those are I-beams.
Did you ever have one of those mornings where when you finally get in the car, you wonder what the hell just happened? I’m sure you have. It’s like it all happened so fast and so many things all in the span of about 45 minutes? Is that it? I mean it felt like I don’t know, 3 hours or something, but when I look back it was really just 45 minutes.
So, if there was ever a question of whether or not women should be allowed to fight in real wars, I think we’ve proven that we do that every damn day! Not that I condone wars of course.
The list of what really happened:
1. We overslept. I know my alarm was set, and I know this is a school vacation week, but we did have to get to camp by a certain time and we were just running a bit late today.
Jack: Aaaarrrgghhh! You never set the alarm and now we’re going to be late oh my God it’s the worst day ever I have no time for anything!
2. I had a very intense personal call that I HAD to take.
Jack: Oh and by the way, I know who you were talking to, and I heard the entire thing, so if you’re trying for privacy you might want to go somewhere else!
3. I was trying to get ready as fast as I could, and asked Jack to make himself some cereal to make the morning go a bit faster, but he insisted that we had to only communicate via walkie-talkie.
Jack: Mom, push the button! I can’t hear you!
me: Gah! I said (remembering to push the little button!) that you have to get a water bottle and your soccer ball as soon as you’re done eating!
Jack: Oh my volume was turned down so I didn’t hear any of that. What?????
4. I went in the kitchen and made Jack some egg whites to go with his cereal and then we heard the yowling coming from the living room.
Jack: Mom! Bella is going to barf! All over the rug!
I grabbed some paper towels and ran to chase her around the house until she finally yakked her guts up … Thankfully quite nicely into the paper towel! Yay! As I turned away I could hear her start again but yes I caught that one too. A nice warm blob of barf in paper towel all for me. How appetizing.
(Mind you my hair is still in a towel, I have no makeup on, and I’m still wearing my pajamas, at this point)
5. Next I got ready as fast as I could remembering to give Jack his allergy spray, two inhalers and to have him brush and fix his hair. So many details!
Jack: I’m not doing this inhaler because I feel better.
me: You feel better because you’re using that inhaler. Do it please.
Jack: if I needed it I would do it.
me: This is why we’re late… All the arguing.
Jack: Mom you forgot to push the button! (Yes we’re still only talking via walkie talkie)
6. I asked Jack to try on my old indoor soccer shoes since this was a turf field we were going to.
Jack: They fit perfectly!
me: Ah sweet bliss something is going right. (I mistakenly walk out of the room to brush my teeth)
Jack: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHGGGG! THERE’S A STUPID THING IN THIS SHOE THAT FEELS WEIRD!
me: Oh geez Jack just push it down it’s fine.
Jack: NOOOOO IT WONT GO DOWN I’M NOT WEARING THESE AND I CANT GET THEM OFF!!!
me:They’re all knotted now sheesh!
7. Jack puts on his old rotten sneakers. I race around trying to get two items boxed up that I sold on poshmark. Gotta keep that 1 day shipping average going! I grab a protein drink from the fridge as Jack gets in the car. I hear the other worldly shriek of someone who just got stabbed.
Jack: AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH I THINK I CUT MY FINGER OFF!!!!!! Wwwwaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
(He comes running into the house from the garage with part of his thumb hanging off.) I’ll spare you the details of me trying to wash and put band aids on a cut of that magnitude. Everything I did was wrong or too slow or hurt or etc etc etc. “sob”. I glanced at the clock. We were late for camp and I was late for work).
8. Yes it goes on! We get to the field with Jack trying to control the pain and his tears.
Jack: I can’t go out there looking like this!
me: Wipe your face. Get your coat and your goggles.
Jack: I’M NOT WEARING A COAT OR GOGGLES ITS JUST CAMP!
me: Not debatable.
(Jack hops out of the car with no coat. After I sign him in and the wind rips through his body he runs back to the car for his coat.)
Now I get to drive away and go to work for a break. Wait, I have to leave work in 2.5 hours to pick him up! I start to cry….Wahhhhhh!
I picked Jack up at noon. His team was wining the scrimmage, he had made new friends and it had warmed up outside. He was happy and talkative and tired. Whew. It all worked out.
Jack: You forgot to pack a snack. Everyone had one except for me.