I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up.

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I think only in book titles (while I work on Vlogs)

And only ones that I want to write, not ones that actually exist. Which makes me think, yeah, there’s a book in here somewhere. Not… here… as in this blog, but my head, (point-point). It’s been getting steadily worse, which makes me think this is not just a passing phase! Oh-nos! When would I have time to write? You mean, like right now while I’m writing this?

Well, technically I’m uploading videos for Jack’s YouTube channel, so he’s sort of my client. He laughed when I explained that to him, and then he said, “well, get going!” Sheesh.

So hear I sit, editing and uploading videos, inbetween watching a movie (pretty good I thought) Ask Me Anything. Britt Robertson is my new fave actress. I just saw her recently in The Longest Ride, which was ho-hum, but she was entertaining.

Any–way… Jack is still in San Francisco with his dad. Visiting all the hot spots, except Alcatraz, which needs to be booked like a year in advance. Jack was so excited to possibly go there and step into the most haunted cell (14) of all times. He said he would be brave and take a selfie, even though he cowered in my bed for a few nights after watching the Ghost Adventures crew hang out all night in the prison and capture some creepy footage and sounds in cell 14 and 13, and various other spots inside. (chatter chatter).

Okay, so most of Jack’s videos and Vlogs are uploaded so I gotta go do THAT thing now, since it’s 1am and I’m TIRED.

me: Hey, send me your videos as you do them and I’ll upload them and then you can delete them.

Jack: Okay, but make sure you have ALL of them. Make sure. Are you gonna be SURE!

me: Sigh…

(Day 1 he sends me 18. I’ve created a monster… And, I do not have the GB necessary to store all of this! Gah!)

So I screened them all first. No one needs to see our neighbor’s yard and Jack wandering around aimlessly under a tree and half-saying our neighbor’s name before catching himself, because he knows we don’t want everyone announced on the internet for privacy reasons! (unless you have given me verbal permission and therefore know you might be featured on one or more videos that appear on You Tube!)

Ahem.

After watching them all, and selecting the few to make the cut, I rewatched the entire neighbor version of the video.

Jack: So, this is the kids club. The one that I made, I mean me and my friend D—, I mean my friend made. It’s a work in progress because we’re upgrading it. Really cool trees to climb. As you can see there’s a lot of holes and stuff because we’re sweeping the pine needles away. Eh, you may not care. But, you know, sometimes it’s good to enjoy the little things in life. But um, yeah… back to pool trick shots!

(Which I will upload AFTER the NYC Edition, and BEFORE the San Francisco edition, and I am getting TO the Hawaii edition…man, he gets around…)

Jack: How do you close your face?

Said as he read the sign outside the elevator that would take us to the top of One World Observatory, NY. 

See the photo below. :)  bad break….

  
   
    

  

 

OMG OPEN THE DOOR WHAT DID YOU SAY????!!!!!

Everything is yelled now. There’s no talking. We yell upstairs and downstairs, we yell into the other room, out the back door, across the neighbor’s yard, down into the street. Both of us actually. Even the cats yell. Meeeoooowwwwwuuuurrrrrrrrr! Says Ed when he has to #2. Sheesh. Even the cats.. SQUEEEEEEEAAALLLLLLMMEOOOOWWW. Says Bella when she wants to eat. Which is always.

I was leisurely taking a shower tonight while Jack and his friend played XBox. Leisurely… Which lasted about as long as it takes to say that word.

Jack: MOMMMMMM!!!

me: ARRGHH, WHAT?!

Jack: I CANE FINE APP MOE?

me: Jack I can’t hear you I’m in the shower!

Jack: (opening the bathroom door) CANFINE APP MOE!!!!!!

me: What?!

Jack: CANFINEAPPMOE!!!!!!  OMG OPEN THE DOOR!

me: The shower door is open, I can’t open it anymore, what the heck are you saying!

Jack: (almost hysterical) I. CAN’T. FIND. THE. APPLE. REMOTE!!!

me: Are you kidding? YOU had it to turn on the TV. Look under the cushions.

Jack: NO WAY IS IT THERE!!! (Slams the door)

me: GRRRRR!!!

A minute later he comes in the bathroom. I crack the shower door again…

me: Are you brushing your teeth?? (Huh?)

Jack: Yes.

me: What are you holding.

Jack: The apple remote.

me: Where did you find it.

Jack: (pause) Under the cushion.

me: HA!!!!

In a New York … Coupla Hours

Just some funny sh*t I heard from Jack and his friend during the day today as we wandered around NYC…

“Mom, can we visit LMFAO Shwartz?” (He really didn’t realize his slip up until after haha)

“Look, a park bench. I thought it was just a legend.” (After not sitting for quite awhile and then a long walk in the hot sun.)

“And that’s why my friends never want to do anything because all you do is walk around not going anywhere, like duhhhh!!!” (Said after we tried to get a cab but couldn’t because of the massive holland tunnel traffic jam which of course was MY fault…)

……………………

Jack: Can I get this nerf modulus?!

me: No

Jack: But it’s not even online and it’s only at this store!

me: We just got here, I’m not carrying a giant nerf gun through the city all day.

Jack: I’ll carry it!!!

me: No. Save it for Christmas. 

Jack: You WILL buy me this for Christmas. 

me: Add it to your list. 

Jack:  A list is for things you hope to get not THINGS YOU’RE DEFINITELY GETTING!!!

me: And you think this is definite, huh? 

……………………

“I’m thirsty, hot, starving, tired, and want to go home!”

“Wait, we’re going home??!! I want to STAY!! WE NEVER DO ANYTHING!!”

“Can I sleep over my friend’s house tonight??” (Do you think I even hesitated before answering?!! 

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

 

Speaking English, but somehow a different language

…an example of a conversation that may or may not take place on this planet..

me: Hey, do you want bacon with your eggs?

Jack: (slurping noise that sounds like he’s sucking down a bowl of Jell-o)

me: Is that a yes?

Jack: Nooooo.

me: Is that a sarcastic No?

Jack: Nooooo.

me: Okay no bacon.

Jack: I WANT bacon!

me: Then say yes please.

Jack: I did.

me: How many pieces?

Jack: 21 (said with a slightly middle eastern accent)

me: Seriously…

Jack: 21

me: You get 2 then

Jack: Awwwww, but it’s so derpy!

me: What is? The bacon?

Jack: No, you.

me: Sigh. Okay it will be ready in a minute…

Jack: I’ll be shozzing. (he runs to the bathroom)

me: Nice timing.

Jack: (returning a moment later) It was just a Whaz, false alarm.

me: Sigh. Here you go. Eat up. What do you want to do after?

Jack: Calling Iggo to see if he’s around

me: You mean Alex?

Jack: No, Iggo. Hey, can you move your jiggly puff? I’m trying to read.

me: I’m just giving you more bacon. Didn’t you say you wanted 21 pieces?

Jack: LOVE the mush!

me: Stop grabbing me there… Sheesh

Jack: It just means I love you Mom.

Real-life undo button needed…

Some days need an undo button. I would have worn that button out today…

Jack had a sleepover last night and he and his friend slept in a tent that I set up in the front yard. I took them to the town pool last night and then got them pizza. This morning I decided to take them to the beach. Seemingly innocent and relaxing. 

My trouble started on the way to the beach, first with me missing the turn to the highway, taking us miles out of the way, and then with me hacking my shoulder open on a hook at the gas station rest area as I kindly jumped out of the way to let a lady pass. That’s a 4″ x 1″ mark that I will have forever. If I made that turn I would have never stopped at that rest area and my shoulder would not have gotten mauled. :( 

Then at the beach I helped Jack video tape some stuff for his You Tube channel (Trick Shots & Stuff) and slipped on a rock (that I said was not slippery) and received two knifelike wounds on my heel that are about 2″ long and 1/4″ deep. I could hold mail in those cuts and it would stand right up. As I hopped over to the lifeguard station on my tiptoe I stepped on a shell that punctured the same foot and left a wicked wound in the shape and size of a bullet hole. Wtf. These are all throbbing as I type this…

(It gets better)

I then take jack and the friend for seafood, and ice cream. We head home and drop the friend at his house. I walk in my door finally (well limp) and go directly to my fridge and pop open a can of orange seltzer water. I shriek! The pop tab has nearly severed my pointer finger because it has this metal shard hanging off of it. I whimper, bandage THAT part of me, and want my day to end; however we had plans to take another friend of Jack’s out with us to see some fireworks, so we have to hurry and get ready to go. I wonder how much fun I’ll be with all my boo-boos, and whether or not I can even go to taekeondo next week!

Jack: We should have filmed more trick shots n stuff but you were… “hurt”.

me: Jack, my foot was hacked to bits today, sheesh. I did film you in all those other parts before I cut my foot. Remember?

Jack: No. You never want to do ANYTHING!!!!!

   
  

    
 

Glass half empty? Or full of…

Jack and I took a 4-mile bike ride again this morning to get an egg sandwich and a donut (both him). I drank water. Too early for all that food!

We timed ourselves. 15 minutes there, 18 minutes back (lots of hills). Today we beat our arrival time and got it down to 13 minutes. Were we optimistic about the ride home?!!

Jack: Let’s just say we left here a minute earlier than we did and then we’ll get home quicker!

me: Uh…

Jack: Because I know we can beat the last time!

me: Oh so you’re optimistic, eh?

Jack: What does optimistic mean?

me: You don’t know? It’s like being positive about a situation rather than negative. (My little pessimist…) I thought you knew that?

Jack: I didn’t know. It’s not really that and I just want to say we left earlier because I don’t think we’ll beat the time, I’m just saying that.

me: Nooo, let’s be optimistic Jack! Think good thoughts and we can do it!

Jack: Well we’re not, so don’t pester me about all that…

me: Aaand now we’re pessimistic…

Jack starts riding home and along the way I sneak up behind him and pretend to bump his tire. He sees how close I am and squeals as he speeds up to get away from me. I do this a few more times because I like to hear him squeal with faux fright. :)

Jack: Okay we’re home. Time check. 

me: 7:42. 

Jack: 12 minutes! We beat our time! I’m getting so strong from the bike rides and taekwondo and sports camp!

me: Told you! You just had to be optimistic (plus my tire bumping helped.)

Jack: Yeah yeah but I’m tired now and there’s no way I’m walking this bike ALL the way up the hill…ugh I’m soooo tired and I’ll just do it later and I’m NOT going in the water at camp no matter what …

…And my glass-is-half-empty boy is back!  

 

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