I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up.


An answer for everything

me: Jack, I don’t want you walking around getting ready for bed with your iPod stuck to your face. Put it down and use it when you’re done.

Jack: But I’m just watching videos!

me: Take a little break and use it later or tomorrow please.

Jack: But why?

me: Because if you have that glued to your face all day you’re not giving yourself a chance to be creative and use your own imagination. It’s doing all the thinking for you and you’re not creating anything with your own brain.

Jack: But I get all my creative ideas from the videos I watch.

me: I … Uh… Sigh.

Sometimes I just run out of arguments. 

That’s a Big Pickle

I was in the kitchen the other day cutting one of those obscenely large whole pickles down to manageable slices when Jack walked in. He has recently started to dislike pickles. Every time I offer one to him he says NO. 

Jack: Oh can an I have one?

me: (???) I thought you hated pickles?

Jack: No I love them!

me: Come on. You never want them any more and you told me not to pack them in your lunch.

Jack: Yeah not when they’re whole and shaped like that. That’s just awkward! 

me: Ooohhhhhhh…

Mystery solved. You could get beat up in 7th grade for having a lunch item shaped like that. 


Ninja Stars by any other name…

Jack came in the house after school waving some dollar bills.

me: Whered you get that?

Jack: School.

me: From what? (He held out a small paper disc)

me: What’s this?

Jack: Ninja Star. I make them and sell them at school… 25 cents each or 5 for a dollar.

me: Hmmm that doesn’t sound legal. I hope you’re not making these during class.

Jack: No, at lunch. Someone helps me with the setup.

me: These are pretty cool. 

Jack: Don’t worry. I read the school handbook. This isn’t gambling. 

me: What about weapons?

Jack: It’s not a weapon. It’s a Japanese star of wisdom!

Jack: Can we move to Canada?

Things heard while driving Jack and his friend to school today. 

Jack: I voted for Tom Hanks.

Friend: Donald Trump is a businessman, so he can fix the economy.

me: let’s hope so…

Jack: We can still move to Canada!

Friend: Canadians talk funny.

Jack: Does this sound funny: free healthcare!?

me: Geez…

Friend: Things Donald Trump will do: Paint the White House gold!!!

And now on to things that are a little more important in a 7th graders mind…

Jack: Mom, it’s picture retake day, and I’m wearing the wrong shirt and I look like a scrub! We have to go home so I can put on my blue collared shirt!! And, I should’ve packed shorts for gym, in case we do interpretive dance! Our worst fear is that someone is there taking pictures for the yearbook, ugh!!

me: Sigh… 

Mr. Brainwash


Aw, remember when he was young and cute? And didn’t ask for much. Sigh.


Jack: You owe me $5.00.

me: For what?

Jack: My allowance. You forgot it last week. And this week. So… $10.

me: Wait, didn’t you use your allowance to pay for part of something I bought you last week?

Jack: Oh, and you owe me $20 for helping rake the leaves.

me: But you never finished. AND, I helped you so you didn’t really do all the raking I asked you to do.

Jack: BUT, I was going to do it AND I didn’t ask you to help me, AND you decided on your own to help AND we agreed it was $20. Can I have it now?

me: Go brush your teeth.

Subaru confessions-back to school

I drove Jack and his friend to school this morning, as I do most mornings, and all I have to do is just drive and listen. After about five minutes they forget that I’m even in the car, and the conversations are usually hysterical. This time they were so focused on the school planetarium and what may or may not be happening in the building at any given time. 😳

Jack: I bet you anything our planetarium is a missle silo.

Friend: We don’t even have class in there at all.

Jack: Yeah they use it for reading now. I bet the last real class was in the 80s!

Friend: It’s like all abandoned and probably has nukes in it.

Jack: Our school slogan should just be “sucking the life out of students for centuries”..

Politics by Jack

Jack: If I was old enough, I wouldn’t vote for someone that gets set off by a Tweet. Clinton would have my vote.

me: Really?

Jack: His slogan should be “Making America Worse Again!”

me: Catchy.

Watch the funniest Trump impression here.πŸ™‚

Almost voting time!