I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up.


Those are “inside words”!

Jack was getting into the car and smashed his leg.

Jack: OW!! Frick me in the bunghole!

me: Jack! What the heck!  Why are you even saying that!?

Jack: You told me not to say ass.

me: Grrrrr.

Iggos on board 

I just gave Jack and his friend a ride to school. They call each other Eggo, OK AutoCorrect get it right, it’s IgG oh.  “IGGO”. Sheesh.

Anyway, we were talking about movies and TV and then actors. Jack and I watched a movie last night with Morgan Freeman in it.

Jack: Morgan Freeman was the guy in Mockingjay that died.

Me: What? That wasn’t Morgan Freeman. Believe me Morgan Freeman doesn’t go into a movie for one minute and then die.

Jack: He was the guy that raised his hand and then got killed. Well, if it wasn’t him it looked just like him.

Me: Yeah it must’ve been someone that  looked like him. I’ve been watching Morgan Freeman since I was little. He was on this show called the electric company. We loved that show!

Friend: What kind of name is that for a show?

Me: We had shows like Sesame Street, Zoom, Villa Allegra, and Mr. Rogers neighborhood ha ha.

Jack: We have suicide squad!

Friend: Yeah we have Deadpool and suicide squad!! Oh, and South Park!

Me: We learned things like how to read and count and how to be nice to people.

Jack: I learned how to make a spoon into a weapon, do you know how to make a spoon into a weapon?!

Me: What are you talking about? Is that true!?

Jack: I’m just kidding…It sounded funny after all your stuff from the 1980s.

Me: That would be more like the 1970s.

Friend: Whatever, that be ooooolllld!

Foto Friday

(Earlier this morning)

me: Don’t forget to pack everything you need from the bathroom into your suitcase. Bring it downstairs when you’re done.

Jack: I KNOW!!!

me: (before we left for school) If you want to grab a large ziploc you can put your toothbrush and floss and all that stuff in it?

Jack: Nooooooo.

(After school before leaving for the train)

me: Did you pack everything you need for dad’s this weekend?

Jack: (sarcastically) No I forgot everything. 

me: Ok good.

(Later at the train station)

Jack: I have to put these things in my suitcase, hold on. (He has a few nerf guns and some other stuff)

me: Here let me unzip it for you. You don’t have to rush. We have like 15 minutes before the train gets here.

(He looks inside and realizes that he forgot lots of things.)

Jack: Where’s my toothbrush and inhaler?? Nothing’s here!! Oh my god! YOU FORGOT TO PACK EVERYTHING!!! SO LAZY!!

iPod revoked.

Wonder if he will listen next time?

Flashback to written punishments …

I was cleaning out Jack’s old room after moving him to the new bigger bedroom upstairs, and found this pad. Haha!

I don’t do this anymore, but had threatened it a few weeks ago. Now it’s just take away electronics. All the way.

Jack: Just because you’re making me do this doesn’t mean I’m learning anything from it. 

I wonder why I didn’t make him finish this?

Presents upon the return

Jack always somewhat expects a gift when he returns from his dad’s place after a weekend away. I sonetimes give in to the expectation and leave something on the car seat for him to find when he gets off the train. 

Sometimes it’s a toy or snack or something he needs. Last week I think it was a free book I got at the library and some gum. Haha, I know, awesome right?

Anyway the book was 13 Gifts, which I started to read and of which unapproved for an 11-year-old,  and the gum was, I think, Extra with the truth or dare questions in the wrappers.

Anyway, Jack jumped in the car after saying goodbye to his dad. I had just raced the train down the street as I saw it moving parallel to me in the tracks. I was going to be late if any of the lights changed. But I made it just in time.

me: Did you see me racing the train as it pulled in?

Jack: No. 

me: Oh, well it was cool to do the same speed as the train for awhile.

Jack: (looking at the stuff on his seat) What’s this?

me: A book I got at the library. It’s really cool, and I know you’ll like it even though the main character is a girl because—

Jack: I already read this in 4th grade.

me: Oh, wow 3 years ago huh? Ok. Did you like it?

Jack: It wasn’t that great.

me: But the part about stealing the goat was funny.

Jack: You read it??

me: Not really… Hey look at the gum though!

Jack: Oh I wanted this kind, it has truth or dare on each stick.

me: Let’s do one.

Jack: Allnthe dares say to tweet something. I don’t have Twitter. (Pause) Or a phone.

me: Sigh.

I received withering stares in the mirror for the rest of the ride home.


Now enjoy the photos from Jack’s new hobby/sport… BMX!

More to come on that!

Barbecue sauce, a breakdown and a bike ride.

How was your day? Sit down and I’ll tell you about mine. 

Mine started at 2 am. I had a dream that Jack and I were in a war. There were bombs flying and I was panicking because I knew Jack thought they weren’t real and I knew we were going to die if we didn’t run. He was play dodging bullets and I was screaming for him to stop and come with me. Relaxing eh? I guess that’s what you get when you pick up a Marine on Parris Island. Sheesh.

I had just shaken off the dream and dozed off when I heard Jack calling me. All the lights were on upstairs. Seems he had a bad dream too but couldn’t remember it. Weird!

So we went back to bed and naturally overslept! I woke up and immediately started racing around to get ready and make breakfast. So what do you think happens? My arm bumps the shelf on the fridge door as I’m closing it, and the shelf flips off the door and dumps all the bottles of condiments onto the floor. One extremely large bottle of BBQ sauce literally explodes and sprays the entire kitchen and the inside of my BRAND NEW FRIDGE! My fridge is so new that I still use a wet paper towel to clean the little milk stain on the top shelf when I see it forming. I mean I was being diligent!

And yeah, you know what BBQ sauce smells like when you’re not hungry right? You know it contains a lot of sugar that’s  really sticky, RIGHT?? And let me tell you, the splatter would have made Dexter drool! I mean it was beautifully sprayed into and across every surface. It was even under and inside cabinets. Crime scene worthy.

It was so bad I didn’t even want a photo to remember it by. I’m in denial that it ever happened as I’m writing this. Hee Hee…Of course my fridge still has that new fridge smell. Of course…It’s pristine! (Sob)

The fridge had to be entirely emptied. Every single thing had to be washed. I was so late. I was sobbing internally, just thanking the lord that it was a plastic bottle that exploded. Imagine a glass bottle? (Shudder)

Jack: Woah that’s a mess.

me: Ya think? (I was on my knees with wet paper towels sopping up the river.)

Jack: Can you get me the ketchup? 

me: Are you serious. Here. Geez.

Jack: I kind of didn’t want eggs. (He was looking down at his breakfast, ketchup bottle paused in mid air)

me: Now is not the time to give me any sort of grief about anything Jack. Got it? Look at me down here!

Jack: (I think he got the message) Good job cleaning Mom! Boy it really stinks in here.

BBQ smell never goes away. Ever. The floor will never not be sticky. The cats paws are even still sticky. Sigh.

The best part was that after I cleaned it all up I realized that I hadn’t looked at my own legs. Any guesses what they looked like? Bleh.

So I got us out the door and had a fun story to tell for the rest of the day. UGH!

After work I had to get Jack to do the last page of his summer math packet. Make that the “last problem”. Only one left. Just one! Hahahahahaha! How do you think that went.

Jack: And you better help me!

me: I’m right here Jack.of course I’ll help you. Be nice.  Just figure out how many pounds are needed for 20 people if this amount is for 8 people.

He did furious math for about 5 minutes. Then we went to check the math. Oops. Crap.

me: Oh…uh Jack …?

Jack: Wait, the sheet days for 28 PEOPLE AND YOU SAID FOR 20!!!!!! AAARRRGGGHHH!

me: Well geez I’m sorry I thought it said…




me: Oh my gosh Jack it took you 5 minutes. Just do the same thing but put 28 as the…


So instead I went outside. Even the birds flew away in a fearful panic. Geez can that kid scream. Is this what 7th grade math homework is going to be like??

Jack: I need your help.

me: Are you done yelling?

Jack: Yes

And then he whipped out the answer in 2 minutes. Sighhhhh. I really thought it said 20. Time for contacts.

Later today Jack went to a friends house while I rode my bike to my taekwondo class AND did the class AND rode home. Oh yeah. I’m a badass. Actually I’m a sore ass.🙂. I rode to Jack’s friend’s house to pick him up.

Jack: Where’s the car?

me: You can’t see it? (My bike was laying in the road.)

Jack: You RODE your bike to class? You’re so weird!!

me: Thanks. Sheesh.

And that was my fun day. At least I wasn’t sitting on a bus all day riding BACK to the Marines after a very short break, eh Jonathan? 😁👍❤️

Beme me up!

me: What are you watching?

Jack: A video.

me: Of what?

Jack: Just this guy that does cool videos.

me: Appropriate videos?

Jack: Yesss… They’re just ones he films. Lots of cool stop motion.

me: Swearing?

Jack: No. Well, he bleeps them out.

me: Wait, is this that Kristie guy?

Jack: You mean Casey.

me: Yeah that’s him. What’s his last name?

Jack: Neistat. Bet you can’t spell that.

me: N-E-I-S-T-A-D-T?

Jack: Oh my god how did you know it was NEI… There’s no D Mom. Sheesh.

me: Heyy that’s pretty good for not knowing!

Jack: He made this cool app called Beme that’s like Snapchat but better because you don’t have to use your hands all the time.

me: Beam?

Jack: B-E-M-E. 

me: Ah of course. What’s it do?

Jack: It’s like a 4-second video that records when you put it up to your chest and you don’t have to push any buttons, and it automatically posts it for you. So you don’t have to look through your camera to see what’s happening in front of you. 

me: Posts it where?

Jack: To the Beme app.

me: But no one has that.

Jack: It has over a million downloads!

me. Oh. And how old is this guy?

Jack: 35.

me: Isn’t this just like Snapchat without the text?

Jack: Mom! Those are long videos, and these are 4 seconds!

me: Only 4. Why not 5?

Jack: 4 seconds is really long.

me: What could you say in 4 seconds?

Jack: A lot.

me: No I mean literally what could you say. It would be all cut off. Like what if I wanted to record a video and say “This is a great concert at..” Beep. It would be over.

Jack: That was only like 2 seconds.

me: Really?

Jack: Yeah.

me: Maybe I’ll have to check it out.

Jack: He filmed a Mercedes commercial.

me: Wow, with 4 second clips? That’s impressive.

Jack: I never said he used the app for it, geez! It was before the app!

me: Well sorry I thought that’s what you meant. Sheesh. He must be pretty good if Mercedes wanted him.

Jack: We should get it. But it’s only for the iPhone. 

me: Hmmm. (Now oddly intrigued)

And that’s how Jack convinces me to try new things. I have an iPhone. 

BTW Beme now has 1,000,001 downloads.