I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up.

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Like a … What???

Normally the answer to that would be “Chainsaw”!!! For those of you that know Limp Bizkit but for this 9 year old, it meant something entirely different.

Jack: But I don’t HAVE any friends at camp!!!

me: Of course you do! You see them every day!

Jack: They don’t like me. (He pouts)

me: Then you have to work on being more likable.

Jack: How does THAT HELP!!

me: It helps a lot. Just be very kind and helpful…(he interrupts)

Jack: How is that LIKE A BULL!!!!????

me: Ohhhhh…. Heh heh

Riddle of the day. And a headache to go with it.

Jack: Two astronauts are kayaking down the Nile river. How many pancakes does it take to shingle a doghouse?

me: Two.

Jack: Nope. Purple. Because ice cream has no bones.

And he cracked up for a few minutes while I went to get an aspirin. ;)

10 awesome one liners

Stop Saying Words

Well, “awesome” isn’t exactly the word that a Mom would use to describe her sarcastic and comedic son’s retorts, but hey, they sometimes make me laugh…just before he gets punished.

 

Here are some of the choice one-liners that I’ve heard fairly recently:

10. me: Ugh! Your shoes are all muddy and gross!  Jack: You’re all muddy and gross.

9. Travel back in time to 1953, when you were in 4th grade.

8. Why are you all mushy… I mean soft…wait, no, I mean mushy…

7. Waaaahhh, Waahahhhahahaha, WAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! (stops crying) Heyyyyy are you watching TV without me??!!!

6. In time outs, I don’t think about what I did wrong, I think about everything else in the world but that. Or nothing.

5. I can teach you how to play this game, but wait… hold on, you don’t know what you’re doing so give me that and I’ll just do it for you!

4. This was officially the worst dinner ever. No offense. You’re a really good cook. Usually.

3. So wait, before you say no, just listen, I have a really good thing I’m about to ask you okay?

2. Writing punishments do not make me learn from my mistakes, they just make me want to do it again.

 

And the number one most-awesome one liner…? Think fuzzy math, or Abbott and Costello.

1. So Mom, I have about $7 in my bank upstairs, plus the $10 that you should have in your wallet from when I had you hold my money…you still have that right…so that’s $17 and if the Lego set is $20 then I only need $3, but since you haven’t paid me my allowance in a couple of weeks, then you owe me $4 from last week, so I’ll be one dollar over and then when you give me the week before’s allowance, that will make me $5 over so technically you owe me the Lego set plus 5 bucks.

Quote of the day, fruity kind

Jack: This nectarine tastes like the doctor’s office.

me: ?

Why no one comes over

me: Why don’t you have your friend come over here instead of going to his house.

Jack: Ok! I’ll call him!

me: But…No video games. You’ve had enough. You guys can play outside.

Jack: What, like on the SWINGS??!! And that’s exactly why no one wants to come over. You make us go outside.

me: Well if I let you go over your friends house I don’t want you playing any more video games today.

Jack: Oh that’s ok! We can just play outside in his yard. Thanks!

me: ??

#ProudOfIt

Jack: It takes a real man to wear a heart band-aid.

me: Sure does.

Jack: You should post that on Facebook with hashtag ProudOfIt.

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Contractions are words too!

me: Jack, don’t expect to buy a toy at the grocery store. We are only getting food.

Jack: I know I know! Can I just look in the toy aisle????

me: Just look. With your eyes.

Jack: (a few minutes later) I found the perfect thing! I NEED one of these! (Small cheap plastic knife, grenade and watch set)

me: No toys, put it back please. Plus you have that grenade at home. You throw it at me like every other day.

Jack: I do NOT! I lost it. I NEED THIS!!

me: Sorry, no.

Jack: You’re the worst!

me: Watch it…

Jack: ( A few minutes later) Just hear me out. So this is a real actual video game in this little plastic box. It’s really what I’ve always wanted and it’s only $2.00!

me: It’s junk and we’re not buying toys. Put it back.

Jack: Noooo I really really want this!!!

me: This is me asking twice now.

Jack: (shrieks and starts to cry).

me: If I ask again you’re getting a punishment for not listening.

Jack: Why are you so mean??!

me: When we get home I want 25 “I will listen the first time”. Got it? I’ll add more if you’d like.

Jack: (shrieks again and puts the toy back) But I didn’t even DO anything and you’re punishing me!!! NOT FAIR!!!

Somehow we make it home and I actually make lunch. Jack cheers up after he eats.

Jack: And now for my punishment. (He starts writing furiously with a fat red sharpie marker).

me: It’s not an art project. Pencil please before that gets all over everything. Let me see what you’ve done.

Jack: What?

I look down at his punishment sheet and notice he’s abbreviated “I will” to “I’ll”, and then used one continuous line down the page for each straight letter. Sheesh, what a cheater.

me: I asked for a full neat sentence.

Jack: You didn’t say no contractions!

me: Railroad tracks aren’t letters Jack.

Jack: But it’s neat!

me That’s debatable…

See for yourselves. The best part is that while he was being so clever he actually wrote more than I asked. Haha.

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