I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up.


Those ARE my ab muscles

Jack does this weird thing now. He likes to poke me in the stomach and then say in a strange voice “squishy, squishy, squishy…”

Doesn’t make me feel like the 10 workouts I do a week are paying off, eh?

me: Jack stop doing that.

Jack: But it’s so squishy! Squish, squish…

me: Gah! Stop! (I try to dodge his little pinchy hands)

Jack: One more squish and then I’ll stop.

me: That is pure muscle you’re grabbing mister!

Jack: Then why is it so SQUISHY!!!???

me: Sigh.

Later that evening as I sit on the couch Ed jumps up on my lap and starts kneading my stomach with his front paws…

me: Sheesh, you too!!??

Sh*t Jack Says While Sleeping

It’s late. Or should I say early. Jack is sleeping in my room. He just rolled over in his sleep.

Jack: Sounds about right, everybody out! Dun dun dun dun DUN!

(What the heck?)

Change “beer” to “soda” and it’s all the same

Jack and I we’re driving a friend of his home the other night. When we got close to his neighborhood, we saw a school.

Jack and me: Hey is that your school?

me: Ahahaha! Jinx! You owe me a bee—- uh, soda!

Jack: What? I most certainly do not owe you a BEER mom!!!!

me: Sorry, old habit.

Legos, cats and other randomness

Jack: (playing Legos) Slurp! Cough! Romanamonam! Omg I set this up wrong!!! Now I have to turn this guys head backwards!! Hey mom ya know what!

me: What?

Jack: You smell bad! Dun dun dunnnnn!! (Whistling)

me: Not nice.

Jack: (shooting noises) When’s Gavin gonna be here?! Hey Ed. (Ed jumps across his Legos) Haha. (Smacks himself in the head). Can you stop now. Stop blogging. Stop!! You’re still blogging!!! Let me see!

me: I was out of ideas today.

Jack: I know what to call it. Legos, cats and other randomness!

Who you calling stupid, stupid?

Jack and I were trying to hustle out the door and get to his taekwondo class. He was halfway through a long monologue about something that was stupid and someone that did something stupid and they thought HE was stupid. Or something.

Jack: And there’s no way that stupid person is ever gonna say I’m stupid. I’m the most not stupid person that I – - -

me: (opening the door) Let’s go Stupid.

Jack: (pauses and then cracks up)

It was pretty funny. My timing and delivery were impeccable!

80-minute hike

We went icicle picking today to get the last icicles of the season… I hope. We have a rail trail near our house with lots of rock formations on either side, which make great places for the icicles to grow. We’ve been doing this for about 7 years now.

Even though it reached 60 degrees, we found plenty of porous ice just waiting to be kicked by a 9-year-old boy in brand new size 6 hiking boots. Which, by the way, are now caked with 13 different types of deer poop. I’m like “Can’t you see that pile? He’s like “What pile?” Sigh.

Jack: Turn around for a sec…

me: Why, what are you — Oh. Didn’t you just go?

Jack: I have to go again.

me: Write your name in the snow there, haha.

Jack: Mom, I don’t drink enough water to do that!!!

When a massage feels like a trip to Disney

Jack: Massage time!

me: Awesome!

Jack: (voraciously clawing at my scalp) How’s this??

me: Oh it’s really good! But could you be a little gentler? I’m missing some clumps of hair…

Jack: (using a fake tour guide voice) Once the massage has started you need to be quiet.

me: Ok ok (I start laughing)

Jack: Now for the bonus massage!

me: (he hooks a corner of my eye with one little finger) Owww! You got my –

Jack: (interrupting in the tour guide voice) Please hold all comments until you have exited the massage. Or else will ignore them. Thank you.

Sigh, maybe I can get a fast pass?


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