I couldn't possibly make this sh*t up.

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It’s not really meat!

me: How was lunch today?

Jack: the cheeseburgers were disgusting so I ate ice cream instead.

me: I thought you liked their burgers? That’s why I didn’t pack you a lunch…

Jack: I decided to actually LOOK at the burger and it was all ground suckers!!

me: What??

Jack: They actually stuck out of the top and you could peel them off! That’s not real meat, mom.

me: Ground suckers…?

Jack: Yeah and if you scratch at the side of it, it turns to liquid!

me: Huh? The meat?

Jack: It’s NOT meat.

me: Did you eat any bites at all?

Jack: Yeah, one, and then threw it away.

me: Did you at least eat whatever came with it? Fries? Veggie? Fruit?

Jack: It didn’t come with anything and the veggies are gross and the fruit was soggy grapes! I told you I ate ice cream. It was cookies and cream on a stick.

me: Ice cream for lunch. How nutritious. And so NOT full of the sugar we’re avoiding. Great, Jack.

Jack: At least I had some energy after that!

(Lord only knows what they put in the “ice cream”!?)

Bike Riding by the Numbers

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I thought about writing this post last weekend when it actually happened, but found myself still (humorously) traumatized by the event, and wanted to avoid re-living it for the time being.

Now I find it only humorous!
Less traumatizing! Sort of. As any Mom knows, when you push your child to do something out of the ordinary, or beyond their means, there will be consequences for both people, but deep down you really just hope they stinking learn something about themselves and gain some confidence.

Or at least, use less bad words to express how they are feeling.

We decided to ride our bikes last Sunday. Though the days have been crazy warm and humid, we woke this day to a slightly howling wind and chilly temperature. Chilly enough to send us digging for jackets and me for my cold weather workout gear. (Tough Mudder long sleeved shirt, holla!) I was excited to get the exercise and to do it with Jack, AND to be outside getting some fresh air and covering some ground. What could possibly happen to spoil it?

We planned to leave from the house and ride TO the bike trail. I don’t have a bike rack yet, so this seemed like a GREAT idea. Heh heh. Our house is about maybe 2 miles from the trail. The trail itself, or the section we were after, is 2.5 miles one way and then you turn around at the end (or ride right into the street and smash into Starbucks!), and head back, for a total of approximately 5 miles.

Just for fun, I’ll remind you that Jack has ridden once with me on a run, which was maybe 3 miles. And once on the trail for maybe 5 miles… back then…we walked up every hill, me pushing his bike, and then walked down every hill…or rather I walked and held onto his handlebars to slow him as HE rode. Fun. So, his only other bike riding experience has been up and down our street, back and forth to a few friends’ houses. Hmmm. Maybe I should have pulled out the stroller and taken Jack for a RUN instead! :)

Again, what could go wrong?

Foreshadowing anyone?

9 – Miles covered

23 – The number of times we stopped on the entire trip

20 – Times that Jack cried out loud that he was tired (with tears)

6 – Huge hills we encountered, including our driveway

2 – Number of times Jack threw his bike into oncoming traffic in shear anger and disgust

1 – How many times I was shoved by angry and disgusted Jack

5 – Number of times I was blamed for having this “stupid” idea (which, by the way, was HIS idea)

7 – Number of cars that passed with sympathetic looks on their faces after they saw Jack’s face and him pushing his bike along the road.

1 – Number of worms saved from certain death in the street

2 – Number of happy people that rolled their bikes into my garage after 2 hours.

1 – How many children proceeded to brag to their friends that they rode for TWO hours and 9 miles!

me: Are you sure you want to ride all the way to the end?

Jack: Yeah! This is fun! We can do it!

me: Because we could turn around up here and then head back…?

Jack: No! To the end!

me: Okayyyy…

(at the end)

Jack: My legs are too tired to go back.

me: We’re about 4.5 miles from home Jack. I don’t have my phone. We have to go back.

Jack: Why didn’t you bring your stupid phone! I’m tired!

me: Let’s go.

Jack: (rides about 20 feet) I have to stop! My legs hurt! My hands are numb!

me: Sigh…

It really ramped up towards the end of the trail when we got to the road. The ride TO the park was awesome. All downhill. Soooo, the ride back…naturally…all uphill. At one point I was actually pushing both bikes and cleaning Jack’s glasses to remove the tears and boogers while he threw his helmet around on the ground. But we kept going. I kept the motivational talk up the entire way. I was mentally drained by this point.

Jack: You didn’t even pack SNACKS!

me: (what WAS I thinking…?) I know… I don’t have any pockets… (lame)

Jack: What about a BACK PACK! Ever hear of that! (flings bike again, etc)

So, we made it home and Jack now brags about how he accomplished this LONG bike ride. Though he swears he will never ever try it again.

Know of any good cheap bike racks??

Subaru Confessions – 5th Grade Style

me: Ohh we should put orange light bulbs in our driveway for Halloween! Whatcha think?

Jack: Meatballs.

me: Why.

Jack: MEATBALLS that’s why!!

me: In the lamps…

Jack: No like on aircraft carriers. Duh,

me: You’re asking me to put meatballs in the lights, and I’m the duh?

Jack: Sigh… They make light formations on aircraft carriers for planes to land. I went to the Air and Space Museum and that’s what they’re called.

me: Oh. Either way we aren’t putting meatballs in the lights.

…and in other news…

Jack: Guess what?? We found a butt wipe on the floor in the boy’s bathroom!! And it had poop on it!

me: How awesome.

Sherpy Derp

Do you know what your kids are saying? I’m trying to keep up! Here’s a bit of what I hear around my house…

Jack:
Sherp Derp. As in “that’s so derpy”. Is that good? I don’t know!

Wubba or Wubza – I think this means What or Repeat please…

Wazzle – use in place of “pee”. I have to wazzle!

Shnoz – nope it doesn’t mean Nose anymore. What’s the opposite of Pee? “Oh my god I have to take a shnoz!” Or, “That’s the color of shnoz dude!” Ugh…

Beeteedubs – an oldie for sure but it’s all the rage in 5th grade. Short for “by the way” or text talk “BTW” so bee tee dubs… BT Dubs I’m getting a headache.

Ig Bromon – this might be his friend’s gaming name????

Doughnut – if you poke someone in the belly button you are “doughnutting” them. It hurts bee tee dubs!!

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Spam

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No…seriously. The hammy product in a can.

Jack: Oh oh!!! We HAVE to try this!!

me: Spam?

Jack: Yes spam, glorious spam!

me: Glorious?

Jack: Just put it in the cart lady.

Later…

Jack: It’s kinda salty…

me: Ya think? It’s canned…!

Jack: Maybe heat it up?

me: Okay, here you go…

Jack: Umm … Maybe on a sandwich?

me: It really doesn’t get better Jack…

Jack: Yeah. Can I have more chicken??

This morning…

Jack: Spam sandwich for lunch please!

me: Instead of school pizza?

Jack: Their pizza stinks! And Spam is glorious!

me: And salty… I’ll give you a tiny sandwich with cheese and mustard (and a minuscule shaving of Spam).

Jack: Yay! I can’t wait to show my friends!!! And Mr. Spillane!

me: Your math teacher likes…spam…

Jack: Correction. Loves!!

me: How old is this teacher?

Jack: I don’t know, old?? Like 30? What does that have to do with someone loving glorious spam??!!

Sh*t My Mom Says

me: (dropping all of the mail in the driveway) $%&@!  (mutter mutter)

Jack: I heard that

me: I said Fart.

Jack: No you didn’t. I heard you.

me: Jack I was just muttering.

Jack: I heard the F.

me: Yes the F in fart. Stop making me say fart. Hey, did you get a new bus driver?

Jack: Yeah! How did you know?

me: I just saw her when you got off the bus, remember?

Jack: Oh! haha. My friend’s mom wrote a letter to the bus company because the driver called him an Ass and so he got fired.

me: He called him an Ass? And he called you guys a bunch of jackasses I remember.

Jack: (pauses looking at me)

me: … Aaaaand we’re swearing at each other in conversation as if it’s normal. Please don’t say the A word again okay? Just say A. Sheesh. And stop tricking me.

Jack: (cracks up because I totally let him swear)

me: Sighhhh…

#diggingforgold

Jack: oohhh it’s a big one..,

me: What??!

Jack: In my nose. (He proceed to dig)

me: Come on! You’re not 3, you’re 9!

Jack: Yeah, well, a tissue doesn’t always work you know!

me: You could at least wrap your finger IN a tissue. Sheesh. Go wash your hands. And lather!

Jack: (lathering his hands) Hashtag digging for gold!

me: Don’t be so proud of it…

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