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Why I’m thankful for the sh*t Jack says

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Happy Turkey Day!

I decided to start a new tradition and have Jack type something to all of his fans on Thanksgiving, because he should be thankful that anyone even reads this sh*t. ;)  (Sorry, mommy is swearing…)

I’ll see if jack is up for the task! (looks like he is! you lucky audience)

Before I let him take over the air waves, I will say that I’m thankful for having a little boy that gives me enough excitement and mischief that I have been able to fill an entire 5 years worth of cyber space with it. He’s smart enough to keep me guessing and never lets me get complacent. God forbid I sit down and actually read a book while he does everything asked of him without complaint or needing “help”. Which just means “stop sitting down and reading and come watch me brush my teeth or I’m gonna flop on the floor with the cats until you put the book down and get up and come over here and make me brush my teeth…” Sigh. The joys of parenting, eh? But we all signed up for this, right? At least my childless friends tell me that. haha.

Here’s Jack:

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Hello everyone from…. I don’t really know where, but this thing————>    (mom) says there is a lot of people who read this :) :) :)     Happy thanksgiving to everyone who celebrates it and I’m currently trying to get my mom to leave me alone. GEEEEEEEEEEEZ! But anyway lets get to things I am thankful for:

#1 MOM (not all the time) but none the less she is AWESOME!

#2 lots of PIEEEEEEEEEEEEE

#3 the cats who wake me and this thing——-> (mom) up every morning at 5 am. Sadly though, it doesn’t matter what day it is. Even Christmas. Again, GEEEEEEEEEEZ cats! take a nap, and when you wake up, sit in the corner and think about your life!

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#4 Biscuit my hamster, even though he goes CLACKCLACKCLACKCLACKCLACK! on his water bottle every morning at 6:00. I once counted and I got 367 clacks. oh, and his cage smells like turds.

#5 DAD

#6 FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#7 Family

There is snow so I’m going outside, and I will see you all next year! BYE!

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And, there you have it. Sh*t Jack says, right from his own little mouth. He is currently playing Lego City Undercover on his Wii, and doesn’t know that I have a boatload of chores for him in a few minutes. (evil laugh inserted here)

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For those of you around the world that don’t officially celebrate Thanksgiving, I hope you take a tip from us over here in the USA (Because this is one thing we actually do get right! Not all of us want to melt the polar ice caps or start another world war …) Use this day to figure out what it is that you are truly thankful for. We’re only here for a short time, a blip, and it would be nice if our blips were spent enjoying what we have, being grateful for what we’ve worked hard to obtain, and being thankful for those we care about.

Now go hug your kids and your pets! (Just be gentle with the hamsters…)

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Math multiple choice question from a 9 year old

Jack and his friend were in the back seat of my car having a debate on the current methods of math they teach now.

me: Did you do your Xtramath?

Jack: I did two at “friend”‘s house.

me: His computer?

Jack: Yeah. But there’s no point to math so who cares!?

me: When you grow up you use math every day.

Jack: No, I use the toilet every day!

me: Lovely.

Jack: Here’s a math multiple choice for you…
What is math???
A. Totally boring
B. Completely useless
C. A great place to take a nap
D. All of the above?

Jack’s Friend: Oh oh it’s D. All of the above!

me: You need to learn it for when you guys grow up.

Jack’s Friend: No it’s useless! They teach you the useless kindergarten box counting method. What if there’s a fire and you have to count the number of hoses you need? People will burn if you take out your pencil and start drawing boxes to count!!

me: Well you have a point there…

The week in pictures

Now maybe, just maybe, my phone will comply with uploading more than one photo.

Each time I open my phone I get a new little surprise from Jack in the form of a scary selfie. I haven’t given him the unlock code on my new phone, so I think it’s his way of getting back at me.

me: It’s a work phone, Jack. I can’t have you pawing all over it downloading stuff.

Jack: You used to let me do that!

me: You had strict rules not to get any games unless they were approved by me first.

Jack: But they were free!

me: You’re missing the point. I need to approve everything first.

Jack: But was an EDUCATIONAL game.

me: Same rule applies.

Jack: I guess you don’t want me to learn then??

me: Jack…

Jack: Never mind. I left you a “present” on your phone.

me: It better not be rude or inappropriate.

Jack: You’re rude and inappropriate.

me: Sigh…

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Why Jack is always right

At age 9 you know everything. Remember those days? If I reach back very far in my memory I can remember thinking I knew everything. The sad part is, we really believed it back then. Parents were dumb, uncool and knew absolutely nothing of the (gasp) stresses that haunted our little lives. And we hadn’t even come close to the teen years. I guess I have to gear up for that.

Though I hear having a boy is easier than having a girl … during the teens anyway. Does anyone want to chime in and let me know about that one!? Or spare me the truth possibly so I can keep moving blissfully unaware towards what I believe to be the “easier” years… Hahahaha!

We were driving to Taekwondo, which is where we are usually driving, (omg we really spend so much time there…Jack 3 times a week and soon to be 4 when we add back in the sparring class muhahaha, and me sometimes 4 classes a week!) and Jack was musing about how smart he was in general and about how clueless parents are, in general… (hello I MADE you, have you ever MADE a person???) which is my only argument these days besides “because i said so” because really, enough with the arguing about every little thing…OMG…

Ugh…Where was I?

Jack: Sigh, it’s just… it’s hard knowing everything…

me: Everything about what?

Jack: About everything? Duh?

me: Like what? What do you know everything about?

Jack: (giving the most withering stare directly into my rear view mirror.) About. EVERYTHING.

me: Oh okay thanks for clarifying Einstein.

Jack: Parents just do not understand.

It’s funny because I used to think the same thing! And look how far I’ve come! I no longer think that Charlie’s Angels are the best detectives in the whole world. I no longer eat Twinkies and Ring dings because they are baddddd. I stopped feathering my hair. Well, on most days. I buckle my seatbelt every day. I recycle! And I learned that just because I like something doesn’t really mean it’s good for me. That was a tough one to swallow.

Good luck teaching your kids the ways of the world! Stay young at heart but not necessarily of mind. ;)

1 month, no sugar

So THAT happened. We (mostly) avoided all added sugar for one month. Jack had a few ice creams at school but that was it. I had nothing for one whole month! And I felt great! Thinner. Smarter. Able to leap tall piles of clothes and toys in a single bound…

Until yesterday.

In September I said “let’s make it through one month.”

And of course I said “then we can have our Halloween candy as a treat.” Yay.

“It’ll be great.” I said.

Ask me how I feel today? Ugh. I have a sugar hangover.

I had cereal for breakfast yesterday with Jack. Carbs. Then at work the candy brigade started. A peanut butter cup here, a Hershey mini there. I was not hungry for lunch at all. And I had a wicked buzz going on. But not a good productive kind. More like I had ADHD Jack was at school still eating healthy so his buzz wouldn’t be coming for a few hours.

I ordered pizza for everyone that would be coming over before we went out trick or treating. I ate some. More carbs. I don’t think I had a gram of protein all day! I had a headache and then got nauseous. But it faded and I had a few more pieces of Jack’s candy when we got home at the end of the night. Wouldn’t you? It was my free pass day.

Ugh. I told Jack how I was feeling and said he might not like how the candy made him feel.

Jack dug into a Butterfinger and a Hershey bar and I told him that was it for the night. He still had a few friends over to trade candy and play games, so they were pretty occupied now. And wired!

me: So how do you feel?

Jack: I don’t think the sugar did anything to me. I feel the same.

I looked at the clock. 11:45 and he was still going. Uh huh, no effect at all.

Btw, I hid his candy and so far he hasn’t asked for it. A friend slept over and he hasn’t asked for HIS bag either! And today I had an egg white and spinach omelette.

Next allowable sugar day: THANKSGIVING!

The boys are currently making ipad videos that start with “Hey YouTube, Jack here. And, BOY did I eat a lot of beans last night…”

Sigh…

It’s not really meat!

me: How was lunch today?

Jack: the cheeseburgers were disgusting so I ate ice cream instead.

me: I thought you liked their burgers? That’s why I didn’t pack you a lunch…

Jack: I decided to actually LOOK at the burger and it was all ground suckers!!

me: What??

Jack: They actually stuck out of the top and you could peel them off! That’s not real meat, mom.

me: Ground suckers…?

Jack: Yeah and if you scratch at the side of it, it turns to liquid!

me: Huh? The meat?

Jack: It’s NOT meat.

me: Did you eat any bites at all?

Jack: Yeah, one, and then threw it away.

me: Did you at least eat whatever came with it? Fries? Veggie? Fruit?

Jack: It didn’t come with anything and the veggies are gross and the fruit was soggy grapes! I told you I ate ice cream. It was cookies and cream on a stick.

me: Ice cream for lunch. How nutritious. And so NOT full of the sugar we’re avoiding. Great, Jack.

Jack: At least I had some energy after that!

(Lord only knows what they put in the “ice cream”!?)

Bike Riding by the Numbers

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I thought about writing this post last weekend when it actually happened, but found myself still (humorously) traumatized by the event, and wanted to avoid re-living it for the time being.

Now I find it only humorous!
Less traumatizing! Sort of. As any Mom knows, when you push your child to do something out of the ordinary, or beyond their means, there will be consequences for both people, but deep down you really just hope they stinking learn something about themselves and gain some confidence.

Or at least, use less bad words to express how they are feeling.

We decided to ride our bikes last Sunday. Though the days have been crazy warm and humid, we woke this day to a slightly howling wind and chilly temperature. Chilly enough to send us digging for jackets and me for my cold weather workout gear. (Tough Mudder long sleeved shirt, holla!) I was excited to get the exercise and to do it with Jack, AND to be outside getting some fresh air and covering some ground. What could possibly happen to spoil it?

We planned to leave from the house and ride TO the bike trail. I don’t have a bike rack yet, so this seemed like a GREAT idea. Heh heh. Our house is about maybe 2 miles from the trail. The trail itself, or the section we were after, is 2.5 miles one way and then you turn around at the end (or ride right into the street and smash into Starbucks!), and head back, for a total of approximately 5 miles.

Just for fun, I’ll remind you that Jack has ridden once with me on a run, which was maybe 3 miles. And once on the trail for maybe 5 miles… back then…we walked up every hill, me pushing his bike, and then walked down every hill…or rather I walked and held onto his handlebars to slow him as HE rode. Fun. So, his only other bike riding experience has been up and down our street, back and forth to a few friends’ houses. Hmmm. Maybe I should have pulled out the stroller and taken Jack for a RUN instead! :)

Again, what could go wrong?

Foreshadowing anyone?

9 – Miles covered

23 – The number of times we stopped on the entire trip

20 – Times that Jack cried out loud that he was tired (with tears)

6 – Huge hills we encountered, including our driveway

2 – Number of times Jack threw his bike into oncoming traffic in shear anger and disgust

1 – How many times I was shoved by angry and disgusted Jack

5 – Number of times I was blamed for having this “stupid” idea (which, by the way, was HIS idea)

7 – Number of cars that passed with sympathetic looks on their faces after they saw Jack’s face and him pushing his bike along the road.

1 – Number of worms saved from certain death in the street

2 – Number of happy people that rolled their bikes into my garage after 2 hours.

1 – How many children proceeded to brag to their friends that they rode for TWO hours and 9 miles!

me: Are you sure you want to ride all the way to the end?

Jack: Yeah! This is fun! We can do it!

me: Because we could turn around up here and then head back…?

Jack: No! To the end!

me: Okayyyy…

(at the end)

Jack: My legs are too tired to go back.

me: We’re about 4.5 miles from home Jack. I don’t have my phone. We have to go back.

Jack: Why didn’t you bring your stupid phone! I’m tired!

me: Let’s go.

Jack: (rides about 20 feet) I have to stop! My legs hurt! My hands are numb!

me: Sigh…

It really ramped up towards the end of the trail when we got to the road. The ride TO the park was awesome. All downhill. Soooo, the ride back…naturally…all uphill. At one point I was actually pushing both bikes and cleaning Jack’s glasses to remove the tears and boogers while he threw his helmet around on the ground. But we kept going. I kept the motivational talk up the entire way. I was mentally drained by this point.

Jack: You didn’t even pack SNACKS!

me: (what WAS I thinking…?) I know… I don’t have any pockets… (lame)

Jack: What about a BACK PACK! Ever hear of that! (flings bike again, etc)

So, we made it home and Jack now brags about how he accomplished this LONG bike ride. Though he swears he will never ever try it again.

Know of any good cheap bike racks??

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